How to Engage in Conversations with Others

Conversing with strangers. Sometimes, the most challenging part of communicating with others is figuring out how to start a conversation. This can be especially intimidating when approaching someone you’ve never met before. To break the ice, try finding common ground.

• For example, if you’re in line at a local coffee shop, you could say to the person ahead of you, "What’s good here? I haven’t tried anything special from this place yet."
• You can also comment on the situation. Try saying, "Nice weather today, isn’t it?" If the person responds positively, you can continue the conversation with a few more remarks.
• Another way to start a conversation is to compliment the person. For instance, "I really like your bag."

Choose the right person to approach. Look for someone who isn’t busy and appears friendly. For example, if you’re in a queue and someone makes eye contact with you, smile and ask them an open-ended question. Avoid trying to start a conversation with someone who’s already engaged in a discussion or focused on a task.

• At a party, a good place to strike up a conversation is near the food table or the bar. You can naturally start with comments like, "Have you tried the pasta salad?" or "Can you show me how to use this wine opener?"
• If you’re unsure how to mingle at a party, head to the kitchen. This area often attracts people, and you can join in by helping with drinks or snacks.
• Apply the same rule when approaching a coworker. Wait until they’re not talking to someone else. Lunchtime is ideal for starting a conversation.

Approach someone you know. You might want to talk to someone you’ve met before but aren’t sure how to reconnect. A great way to start is by asking about them. Questions are an excellent way to kick off a conversation.

• If you want to chat with a coworker in the cafeteria, try asking, "How was your weekend? Did you enjoy the nice weather?"
• If you’re curious about your new neighbor, when you see her getting the mail, ask, "How’s the new place coming along? Let me know if you need a recommendation for a good pizza place."

Keep it simple. You don’t need a grand opening line to start a conversation. Basic greetings like "Hi" or "How are you?" work just fine. The other person will usually take it from there.

• You can also make a simple comment about yourself. After a challenging spin class, you might say to the person next to you, "Wow, I’m going to feel this tomorrow."
• By keeping it simple, you’re starting the conversation while allowing the other person to contribute. It also reduces the pressure of coming up with a clever topic.

Avoid oversharing. When trying to start a conversation, don’t make others uncomfortable. Many people tend to ramble or speak nervously, leading to the social issue known as oversharing.

• Unless you’re speaking privately with someone you know well, avoid sharing sensitive personal information. For example, don’t start a conversation by telling an acquaintance about your recent gynecologist appointment.
• Others may feel uneasy if you share too much personal information. The cashier at the grocery store doesn’t need to know about your teenager’s poor grades. Stick to neutral topics when initiating a conversation.
• Don’t monopolize the conversation—good dialogue involves a mix of questions and short stories.

Know when to stay silent. Sometimes, silence can be awkward. Your natural instinct might be to fill the gap with small talk, but occasionally, staying quiet is the best approach.

• If you’re bored on a flight, you might want to pass the time by chatting with the person next to you. But if they show clear social cues indicating disinterest, find another way to entertain yourself.
• If someone avoids eye contact, it’s a sign they don’t want to talk. Someone reading a book or wearing headphones likely prefers silence.

Ask questions. Once you’ve broken the ice, there are many ways to keep the conversation going. Asking questions is a great way to sustain dialogue. You can ask the other person to do something simple for you.

• For example, if you’re picking up your child from school, you could say to another parent, "Can you remind me what time early dismissal is tomorrow?"
• You can also ask a coworker for advice. Try saying, "Binh, your PowerPoint presentations are always so polished. Do you have any tips for me?"
• If you’re on a date, ask questions like, "What’s something that usually annoys you?" or "What’s something surprising about me that you’ve noticed?"

Use open-ended questions. Asking questions is a great way to keep the conversation flowing, but open-ended questions are key. These require more than a yes or no answer and encourage deeper discussion.

• Instead of asking, "How was your trip to Da Nang?" try, "I remember you mentioned you were going on vacation. What did you end up doing?" This invites a more detailed response.
• Follow up on their initial answer. If they say, "We spent a lot of time golfing," you could reply, "Oh, what’s your handicap? Do you have any tips for a good golf course? I’d love to improve my game."
• You can also turn compliments into questions. For example, "I love your dress. Where did you find such a stylish piece?"

Be genuine. Don’t force the conversation. Instead, talk about things you’re genuinely interested in. If you fake enthusiasm, the other person will likely notice.

• At a dinner party, engage with someone who shares your interests. For example, you could say, "Minh, I heard you just bought a new bike. I’ve been wanting to try mountain biking."
• At your daughter’s soccer practice, chat with another parent about the new training program. For instance, "Hanh seems to be doing really well with the new drills. How’s Mai adjusting?"

Avoid conversation killers. After chatting for a few minutes, you might feel comfortable with how the conversation is going. But you still need to put in effort to keep it smooth. Part of being a good conversationalist is knowing what topics to avoid to prevent discomfort.

• You’ve probably heard the old saying to avoid discussing politics or religion in social settings. This advice is especially important in diverse groups.
• Don’t bore others. For example, avoid lengthy monologues about reality TV or your cat’s health. Give others a chance to contribute.
• Use an appropriate tone. Lighthearted conversations should be fun. After all, you’re trying to make a good impression. People are naturally drawn to positivity. When in doubt, steer the conversation toward optimistic topics.
• For example, you could say, "It’s been raining so much lately, but at least we’ll have beautiful spring flowers!"
• If you’re in an awkward situation, express your concern but add a positive spin. For instance, "Looks like we’re working late tonight. Want to grab a late-night pizza with me? I know a great spot."

Change the topic. In most conversations lasting more than a few minutes, you’ll discuss more than one subject. Be prepared to move beyond your initial icebreaker. A good way to do this is by staying informed about current events and pop culture, as these can always serve as conversation starters.

• For example, you could say, "Have you seen any of the Best Picture nominees this year? I really enjoyed Spotlight."
• Be ready to pivot to a new topic. Try saying something like, "Oh, your story reminds me of my trip to Greece. Have you ever been there?" This approach keeps the conversation flowing naturally.

Engage multiple people. The more people involved in the conversation, the less pressure you’ll feel. Take steps to include others in your group. For instance, if you’re eating in the office cafeteria, you could invite a colleague looking for a seat by saying, "Hey, Linh, want to join Tuan and me?"

• This works in social settings too. If you’re chatting with someone at a cocktail party and notice someone standing alone nearby, invite them into the conversation. You might say, "Wow, these shrimp are amazing. Have you tried them?"
• Including others isn’t just polite—it also keeps the conversation dynamic. More participants mean more topics to explore.

Be a good listener. Listening is just as important as speaking. To be a skilled conversationalist, practice active listening. Use verbal cues to show you’re engaged and paying attention.

• Offer neutral comments like, "That’s interesting." You can also say, "Tell me more," to encourage the other person to continue.
• Use reflective listening to show you’re following along. For example, say, "Wow, it’s amazing that you’ve traveled to every country in Europe."

Smile. When conversing, your body language is as important as your words. One of the most effective ways to communicate is by smiling at the other person. It’s a great way to connect with someone you don’t know well.

• Smile at someone at the dog park. If your dog and theirs are playing together, a smile can make you seem approachable.
• Smiling also shows support. If a coworker comes to your desk to share a story, a smile demonstrates that you’re interested in what they’re saying.

Maintain eye contact. When conversing with others, remember to look them in the eye. This gesture shows that you’re engaged in the conversation and respect what they’re saying.

• Eye contact also helps you gauge the other person’s reactions. Eyes can reveal emotions like boredom, anger, or affection.
• Avoid staring. You don’t need to focus solely on their eyes. Let your gaze naturally wander around the environment.

Nod. A simple nod is one of the most effective non-verbal cues you can use. Nodding communicates many things, such as showing that you understand what the other person is saying.

• Nodding also signals agreement and support for the speaker’s words.
• Avoid excessive nodding, as it can come across as insincere or overly eager.

Build confidence. Body language often reflects stress and anxiety. It can be challenging to converse with others, especially if you’re shy. One of the best ways to improve your confidence is to prepare for various scenarios. For example, if you know you’ll meet new people at a party, have a few conversation topics ready.

• If you’re attending a bowling-themed birthday party, think of a funny story about your experience with bowling leagues.
• Practice your skills. Challenge yourself to start a conversation with a stranger every day. It could be someone you meet on the street or at school. Work on initiating and maintaining dialogue.
• Confidence is key when approaching someone you’re interested in. Once you find a conversation starter that works for you, try it out on someone you like.
• For example, you could say, "The music in spin class makes me want to dance. Do you know any good spots nearby for live music?" Deliver this with a smile and eye contact.

• Prepare a mental list of conversation starters.
• Don’t fear new situations. Trying new things helps you meet people and practice your communication skills.