How to Escape an Abusive Relationship

Leaving or ending an abusive relationship is never an easy task. Victims of abuse often fail to recognize the signs of mistreatment, sometimes blaming themselves for the abuse. Once you acknowledge the situation and are ready to confront it, you must act swiftly and cautiously to prevent escalating tension or violence that could affect your life. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help, use all available resources, and safely exit the abusive relationship.

Find Safe Support. Call logs may be intercepted, and browsing history may be traced. Be sure to delete your call logs and browser history. Many browsers have a private mode, but if you suspect the abuser is tracking your communication, you should use a different computer or phone.

• Public libraries offer internet-connected computers for community members. You can start here.
• You can use a prepaid phone, which could be useful if you need assistance after leaving an unhealthy relationship.
• You can borrow a friend’s or neighbor’s phone or computer. If necessary, claim that your own device is broken.

Contact Support Organizations. Most local areas have services that support victims of abuse. If you're unsure where to start or want to discuss your plan to leave an abusive relationship, you can call the following hotlines:

• Domestic Violence Prevention Hotline: (04) 37 359 339 (in Vietnam)
• 24-hour Crisis Hotline: 408-975-2739 (Asian Women's Shelter - US number)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 (in the US)
• 1800 1567 - Reporting child, women, and family violence (in Vietnam)
• Worldwide: Access the international violence prevention agency directory website

Find a Safe Shelter. If you are an abused woman, you need to locate a shelter in your area. These locations are typically kept confidential to protect victims but must allow you to contact a hotline or screen your location. You will then be referred to a protective center.

• Most shelters offer safe accommodations for both women and children. These locations ensure safety and support as victims recover, but you can only stay there for a limited period.

Talk to Friends or Family. Unfortunately, many abuse victims are isolated or forced to cut off contact with others. This leads them to believe that no one can help them escape the abuser. However, friends and family, even if disconnected, can still assist you in escaping. Reach out to someone you trust and ask for help.

• Provide them with details on how they can assist (e.g., offering you a place to stay, holding your ‘escape bag’, calling the police when you give a ‘code word’, etc.)

Create an Emergency Fund or Credit. If the abuser controls the finances, takes all the money, or prevents you from working, it may be difficult to create an emergency fund. Save all spare change, return items for refunds, hide money given to you by others, or find other ways to gather emergency cash. If you can't create a cash fund, consider applying for a credit card in your name but have the statements sent to a work address or a friend's home so the abuser can't find them. Avoid accessing your credit card account on your home computer.

• Opening a credit card can help you establish credit (as long as you're responsible for payments), which may be useful after leaving the home to live independently.

Prepare and Hide Your 'Escape Bag.' You should prepare an emergency bag with essential items. The bag must be securely hidden (it could be kept at someone else's house). Only pack a few things, but make sure to include the following:

• Your clothes and your children's
• Important documents (birth certificates, passports, driver's licenses, bank or credit card information, pay stubs, social security cards, etc.)
• Your and your children's medications
• Special personal items like photos or jewelry
• Non-perishable snacks

Collect Evidence of Abuse. You should not provoke abusive situations to gather evidence, but collecting proof can help with legal actions later on if enough evidence is available. Take pictures of injuries, broken items, or the room after a violent encounter, keep clothes or towels with blood stains, and retain medical records of your injuries from abuse.

• Whenever injured due to abuse, you should go to the emergency room for treatment and keep the records. These documents are important for obtaining protective orders, custody of children, or contested divorces.

Hide Spare Keys. If your access to transportation is restricted, you should prepare an extra car key. If available, keep it in an easily accessible place in case you need to escape quickly. Before leaving, check that the abuser hasn't found the spare key and disposed of it.

• You need to position your vehicle to ensure a quick getaway. Fill up the gas tank to avoid running out of fuel during an emergency.

Determine Where to Go. While escaping may be urgent, you can ensure your safety if you've planned ahead. Communicate in advance with a shelter, domestic violence prevention center, or trusted friends or family members. However, in an emergency, these must be safe locations, even without prior notice.

• If you plan to stay with friends or family, choose someone the abuser doesn't know.

Prepare for Your Pet. Many people (especially women) endure abuse because they fear their pets will be harmed if they leave. Some shelters allow pets. If not, you should leave them with a neighbor or friend, or even take them to a humane animal shelter. Ultimately, you must accept that your life is more important than your pet's well-being.

Consider Bringing Your Children Along. You should consult with a lawyer before leaving home about taking your children with you. Of course, you must protect them from harm, but you should also avoid affecting your future custody and protection rights.

Leave at the Right Time. It's best to leave when the abuser is not at home (unless the abusive situation forces you to flee immediately). Plan and prepare when the abuser will be gone for a few hours. Take time to gather your belongings and get to a safe place before the abuser realizes you've escaped.

• You don't need to leave a note or explain why you're escaping. Just leave the house.
• If you don't have a car, you can ask someone to pick you up. If you feel in danger, you can ask the police to come pick you up.

Leave the House Immediately and Ensure No One Follows You. You should immediately run to a safe place (a shelter or a friend's or relative's home), taking a detour and checking if anyone is following you. Blend in with traffic, take shortcuts, turn around, and follow routes while keeping an eye on any vehicles behind you traveling in the same direction.

Don't Bring Your Phone. Write down important phone numbers on paper (or memorize them). Your phone may have tracking software installed without your knowledge, so it's best not to carry it to avoid the abuser tracking your location.

• Consider purchasing a prepaid phone and keep it in your emergency bag. This way, you can make important calls related to your escape and ensure your safety without the abuser detecting your actions.

Leave misleading traces after escaping. If you suspect the abuser will chase after you, it's wise to create a false trail after your escape. Call a hotel located 6 hours away from home to mask your true destination. Use a shared credit or debit card to book the hotel room or send a confirmation email to a shared account or monitor it. You can also rent a car at the hotel or ask the staff to call your home number.

• Do not take these steps before leaving the house, as the abuser may suspect you're planning to escape and react violently.
• If using your phone to create a false trail, dispose of it before reaching your actual location.

Head straight to a safe place. No matter where it is, make sure to go there. A shelter or an organization that assists abuse victims has staff or volunteers who can help you determine the next steps after escaping.

• If you go to a friend's or family member's home, consider contacting an abuse support organization for further guidance on legal assistance, counseling, support groups, job training, and financial help.

Plan to ensure your personal safety. Despite being cautious, the abuser may still follow your trail. You need to prepare for such a scenario. In that case, contact the police immediately.

• If the abuser shows up and begs you to return home, do not follow them. They may try to coax you back, but doing so will put you in danger.

Use a fake name. When arriving at a women's shelter, you are not required to provide personal information. You can register under an alias, especially on documents. This method does not apply for legal or financial consultations, but it can provide added safety during this time.

Do not disclose your location. Never share the location of your shelter with anyone. Revealing it to the abuser, the abuser's family or friends, or even your own friends puts you and the other women and children at the shelter at risk.

• You may be required to sign a document ensuring you do not disclose the shelter's location before the organization takes you to the safe place.

Change your work routine. If you are employed, it is important to discuss with your employer any necessary changes to ensure your safety. Some local laws require companies to accommodate victims of abuse. Investigate the possibility of changing your work location, hours, or enhancing security while traveling from work to the parking lot.

Use a non-public phone number and secret address. When moving to a new place, ensure that your home phone number is not listed publicly. For mail, use a post office box or inquire with the post office about local confidential address programs. This will make it harder for the abuser to track your whereabouts.

• If you have children, make sure they understand not to disclose your address to the abuser or strangers.

Change all your passwords. Any online account can be a source of information. For safety, change the passwords for your financial accounts, social media, emails, etc. In fact, you should consider temporarily or permanently deactivating your social media accounts and changing your email address.

Request enhanced security. Some companies may ask for your Social Security number and your mother’s maiden name to access confidential information. If you are married to the abuser, they might already know this information. Discuss with the company about adding extra security to your account or provide answers to security questions that are incorrect (but still memorable to you). For instance, you can give your grandmother's maiden name instead of your mother's.

Seek guidance or support from a shelter. Most shelters provide legal guidance for victims of domestic violence. Some even offer free legal services to survivors. Even if you are not staying at a shelter, you can contact such organizations (many have helplines) to inquire about affordable or free legal services.

• Some organizations also provide immigration assistance for victims of domestic violence; don't endure abuse out of fear of deportation. You have the right to fight against abuse, even if you are an immigrant.

Contact a lawyer. You will need a lawyer to help you navigate the legal battle you may face. If you're married to the abuser, have children together, or are an immigrant, you will need to pursue legal actions with the help of a lawyer.

• If you don't have funds, you can still hire a lawyer. Some lawyers may pursue reimbursement from the abuser if the case is successful. Others may offer pro bono services to handle your case.

File for a personal protection order (PPO). A PPO is a legal document that offers you protection from the abuser. To file for a PPO, you need to gather evidence of abuse and write a letter detailing the abuse and your relationship with the abuser, which will be submitted to the local court. The court will guide you through the necessary paperwork for obtaining a valid PPO.

• Once the PPO is approved, it will be served to the abuser, and you will need to provide proof to the court. Consult with the court clerk about the process.
• After receiving the PPO, keep it with you at all times. If the abuser violates the PPO, present it to the police.
• Understand that a PPO does not guarantee your safety. It only allows for the abuser’s arrest if they cause harm, but it often won't fully prevent contact with the abuser.

File a battery charge. If you have recently been assaulted or have a record of abuse (such as police or medical records), you need to file a battery charge against the abuser. You can file even without physical evidence (especially if you have witnesses against the abuser), but the process will go more smoothly if you gather physical evidence of the assault before leaving the abuser.

• It's likely that you will face multiple legal actions (for example, filing for divorce, child custody, battery charges, and requesting a PPO). Due to the complexity of these proceedings, you should hire a lawyer.

Complete the necessary procedures for divorce or custody. After escaping the abuser, you need to sever all legal ties. If you're unmarried and don't have children, simply severing the connection is enough. However, if you're married and have children, you'll face a difficult legal battle that may require you to appear in court with the abuser (e.g., during a hearing). Prepare mentally for this process by utilizing available support through shelters, legal counseling, friends, family, and therapists.

See a therapist. You need to seek help from a therapist or a community therapy group (or both!). Overcoming abuse is not easy, and escaping it requires significant effort. You can rely on those around you to heal emotionally, stay strong, and prepare for healthy future relationships.