Buzz
Setting boundaries might feel awkward or make you feel guilty, but they are essential for protecting your emotional and physical well-being. As you begin dating a new guy, it's a perfect time to realign with your needs and desires in a relationship—and make sure you’re both on the same page! We’ll guide you through how to connect with your boundaries and have clear, confident conversations about your rules.
Steps
Take time to define your boundaries.
Understanding your boundaries helps you communicate them with clarity and confidence. Ask yourself, “What makes me uncomfortable?” If you’re unsure, reflect on behaviors from past relationships (or others' relationships) and how they made you feel. Pay attention to any feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment, as they are signs that someone has overstepped.
- Try the circle exercise: Draw a circle and note what you need to feel safe, supported, and loved in a relationship. Outside the circle, list behaviors that disrupt or hinder these needs.
- Create a list or journal entry of your “dealbreakers” and significant boundaries in a relationship.
- Reflect on yourself: “What matters to me in a relationship? What are my core values? Which parts of me am I ready to share?”
- Make a habit of tuning into your emotions. Throughout your day, check in: “How am I feeling? What is my body telling me?”
Protect your time and energy.
Clarify how often you’ll see each other and communicate. No matter how frequently you wish to connect, ensure you're both on the same page. It's also important to create personal space, even though spending time with him likely feels exhilarating. Here are some examples of boundaries and how to express them clearly:
- “I enjoy texting, but I can’t during my workday.”
- “I spend every Wednesday evening with my friends. Can we meet on Thursday instead?”
- “I’m exhausted tonight and won’t be able to come over. How about we catch up tomorrow?”
Clarify your digital and social media boundaries.
Talk about sharing photos, sending explicit content, and updating your relationship status. Ask him how he feels about posting pictures of the two of you on social media, and share your comfort levels. Discuss whether you're comfortable sending or receiving explicit texts or images—ultimately, it’s your decision, and you shouldn’t feel bad about expressing your preferences. Have a conversation about your thoughts on changing your relationship status on social media and ask for his input.
- Try stating the boundary as a mutual agreement: “I’ll always ask you before posting a photo of us. Can we both agree to check with each other before posting?”
- “I’m not comfortable sending or receiving those kinds of messages.”
- As the relationship grows, set tech boundaries regarding personal passwords: “I’m not sharing my phone password, but I’ll unlock it if you want to change the music.”
Discuss your financial preferences openly.
Dating shouldn't put financial strain on either of you! When dates start becoming costly, have a conversation with your partner about budget-friendly options, or let them know beforehand that you're sticking to a budget. If your partner asks to borrow money or regularly expects you to pay, it's okay to say no and discuss how to manage finances together. It might feel awkward at first, but your partner might be on the same wavelength.
- Check in with your feelings: How do you feel about paying versus splitting the bill?
- For example: “How about we pay separately instead of alternating who pays?” or “I’ve got dinner tonight. Does 7 PM work?”
- If something feels too expensive, suggest an alternative: “That trip’s a little out of my budget. How about a day trip instead?”
- Decline lending money: “I really care about you, but I don’t usually lend money to friends or people I’m dating. Is there another way I can help?”
Keep your personal views and thoughts intact.
Your intellectual boundaries protect your beliefs, values, and aspirations. They help define your individuality. To establish intellectual boundaries, reconnect with your dreams, beliefs, and values, and commit to not letting your partner pressure you into actions that aren’t aligned with your true thoughts.
- Separate your thoughts from your partner’s. Practice saying, “I see that differently.”
Choose when you're ready to be emotionally open.
You decide when and how to share your emotions. Emotional boundaries involve protecting our well-being, expressing our feelings, and processing experiences. For example, you may feel pressured to say “I love you” if he says it first, but you’re not obligated to say those words unless you're ready. Here are some questions to guide you as you build emotional boundaries:
- “When am I comfortable saying ‘I love you?’”
- “Do I tend to open up easily, or do I need more time? How can I communicate that to my partner?”
- “Do I expect my partner to support me during difficult times?”
Understand your boundaries when offering emotional support.
It's not your job to be your partner’s therapist. This can be a difficult situation to navigate, but it’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being. If your partner is dealing with work struggles, home issues, or mental health challenges, you can still be supportive without taking on their burdens. Show empathy and guide him towards professional help. While it may feel guilty to step back, encouraging your partner to seek help from a counselor or therapist is ultimately more beneficial for him.
- “It’s tough for me to hear you talk about yourself like that. Would you like me to go with you to a counselor so you can get some support?”
- “I’m here for you, but I’m not sure just talking to me will be enough. How do you feel about seeing a therapist?”
Discuss your comfort level with physical intimacy.
Let your partner know what you’re comfortable with and what makes you uneasy. Always ensure that both of you ask for and give clear verbal consent before engaging in any sexual activity. A real relationship doesn’t require physical intimacy, and you don’t owe your partner anything when it comes to your body.
- Communicate your boundaries ahead of time: “I’m happy to come over for dinner tonight, but I won’t be staying the night.”
- If boundaries are crossed, assert them with clear communication: “I’m uncomfortable with this. Please stop.”
- State your preferences: “I’d prefer if we just stick to kissing for now.”
- Remember, it’s okay to change your mind: “I’m not in the mood to cuddle right now. I love you, but I need a little space.”
- Your boundaries might depend on the situation: “I’d prefer if we kissed in private, rather than in public.”
Express your boundaries as soon as you can.
Start your relationship with clear expectations to avoid uncomfortable situations. For example, one of the first things to establish might be what you both want from the relationship. Keep in mind that setting boundaries isn't a one-time discussion. Here are some instances when it's important to set them and prevent any misunderstandings:
- Before going on your first date (or early on), discuss your expectations: “I’m looking for a casual relationship where we can have fun” or “I want to be upfront—I’m interested in something serious right now.”
- Before getting physically intimate, share what you are and aren’t comfortable with: “I’d prefer if we could… In general, I’m not comfortable with…”
- While it’s easier to establish boundaries early, remember you have the right to express them whenever something feels off.
EXPERT INSIGHT
John Keegan
Dating Expert
Dating Expert
Honest communication keeps both of you aligned. Make sure your expectations for the relationship, your goals, and your lifestyles are in sync. The more openly you communicate, the stronger your bond will become!
Be clear and direct when discussing your boundaries.
Use precise language to express your limits. Share specific examples of behaviors or situations that demonstrate where your boundaries lie. It may feel uncomfortable to be very clear, but your partner will appreciate knowing how to respect you. Open communication will ultimately strengthen your bond.
- Have the conversation in person to prevent misunderstandings.
- Clarify when your boundaries apply: “For our first date, I’d prefer to drive myself. Thanks for offering!”
- Provide examples of boundary violations: “I don’t like being yelled at or swore at. If that happens, I need a break for both of us to cool down.”
- Describe positive behaviors you prefer: “I noticed you sent me a lot of messages while I was in a meeting. I’d love to talk, but I prefer if you send just one message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!”
Use “I” statements when expressing your needs.
“I” statements help avoid making your partner feel attacked. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself and expressing what you need to feel safe. Keep your statements simple—don’t over-explain, just say what you need. Your boundaries are valid as long as they are about protecting yourself, not controlling your partner.
- “I would appreciate if…”
- “I feel upset when…”
- “I’d prefer…”
- “I’m not up for that right now. I’d like…”
State your boundaries confidently, without apologizing.
Don’t feel guilty about establishing boundaries. See your boundaries as an expression of self-respect and self-care. It’s normal to feel uneasy about confrontation or the possibility of rejection when saying “no” or setting limits, but remember, your needs and desires are just as valid as your partner’s. Overcome any feelings of guilt or embarrassment and confidently express what you need.
- If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start small. For example, try saying “no” to one thing: “I’m not in the mood for Thai tonight, but how about we try that Caribbean spot?”
Enforce your personal boundaries with clear consequences.
Have a conversation about what happens if your partner crosses a boundary. Let your partner know that you will address the behavior, step away, or take time to yourself. By setting clear consequences for violating your boundaries, you ensure that people respect your limits and don’t take advantage of you.
- Be gentle but firm with minor boundary violations: “Remember when I said I’d let you know if the texting was too much? It’s getting a bit overwhelming.”
- Take a break if your partner oversteps an emotional boundary: “It really bothers me when you speak about my family like that. I’m going to take a walk, and we can discuss it after.”
- Don’t apologize for standing firm on major boundaries: “I’m uncomfortable with the way you’re pressuring me. I’m going to head home now.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 897 Mytour readers how they feel about their role in relationships, and only 4% said I feel like my needs are being met. [Take Poll]
- Many people feel that their needs aren’t being met in relationships. Setting clear boundaries early on can help create stronger, healthier relationships.
