Buzz
When anger takes over, it can feel like you want to explode. In those moments, you might feel deeply hurt. Sometimes, you might unintentionally hurt others, or even do so intentionally. Instead of suppressing your emotions or lashing out, you can express your anger constructively. Take a moment to calm down and understand your anger and other emotions. Then, you can communicate your feelings assertively and minimize harm to others.
Steps
Calm Down
Recognize the physical signs of anger. When anger begins to rise, your body reacts with physical signals. Understanding how your body feels when you're angry or stressed can help you identify when you're about to lose control. Some physical signs may include:
- Tight jaw and tense muscles.
- Headache or stomachache.
- Rapid heartbeat.
- Sweating, including sweaty palms.
- Flushed face.
- Shaking body or hands.
- Feeling dizzy or lightheaded.
Recognize the emotional signs of anger. Your emotions can become erratic, leading to feelings of anger. Some emotional signs you might experience include:
- Irritation
- Sadness
- Frustration
- Guilt
- Resentment
- Anxiety
- Defensiveness
Take deep breaths. Manage your anger before engaging in a conversation with someone. Otherwise, you might say things you regret. Deep breathing clears your mind and triggers your body's calming response. Try the following steps:
- Inhale and count from one to four, hold for four counts, and exhale for four counts.
- Ensure you're breathing from your diaphragm, not your chest. When breathing from your diaphragm, your stomach expands (you can feel it with your hand).
- Repeat until you feel calmer.
Count to ten. If you feel anger rising and notice emotional or physical symptoms, remind yourself that you don’t need to react immediately. Counting to ten helps you calm down and gives you time to think. Pause your response in the moment and allow yourself time to process your emotions.
Change the setting. If you feel your temper flaring, remove yourself from the situation. Take a walk. Avoiding the triggers, people, or things that upset you will help you regain composure.
Analyze the problem carefully. If you notice anger building, calm down and rationally analyze the situation. Use logic before your body loses control. Before anger takes over, you can have an internal dialogue to calm yourself. Even if it feels overwhelming, you can maintain a positive internal conversation to handle your anger differently.
- For example, you might tell yourself: “My boss yells every day. It’s really hard to deal with, and it drives me crazy. I’m allowed to be angry, but I can’t let it take over my life or ruin my day. I can work assertively with my boss even when he acts aggressively. I’ll look for another job, but for now, whenever he yells, I can tell him it’s hard to understand what he wants when he’s upset. If there’s an issue, let’s sit down and discuss it so I can help find a solution. If he needs something from me, I can do it if he communicates without yelling. That way, I can stay calm and show him how to behave better.”
Understand Your Anger
Assess your anger. This can help you identify what triggers your anger and the intensity of your reactions. Some situations may cause mild irritation, while others might provoke intense outbursts.
- You don’t need a formal anger scale. You can create your own, such as rating your anger on a scale from one to ten or from zero to 100.
Keep an anger journal. If you find yourself frequently angry, tracking the situations that trigger your anger can be helpful. Record the intensity of your anger and other factors at play. Also, note your reactions and how others respond to your emotions. Consider these questions when writing in your anger journal:
- What triggered the anger?
- Rate the intensity of your anger.
- What thoughts arose during your anger?
- How did you react? How did others react to you?
- What was your mood immediately after the incident?
- What physical symptoms of anger did you experience?
- How did you respond? Did you want to leave, act out (like slamming doors or kicking something), or use sarcasm?
- What were your immediate emotions during the event?
- How did you feel a few hours later?
- Has the anger subsided?
- Recording this information helps you identify patterns and triggers, allowing you to avoid or anticipate them. It also helps you track progress in managing anger.
Identify your anger triggers. Triggers are events or situations that evoke specific emotions or memories. Common triggers include:
- Inability to control others’ actions.
- Others failing to meet your expectations, leading to disappointment.
- Lack of control over daily life factors, such as traffic.
- Someone trying to control you.
- Anger at yourself for a mistake.
Understand the impact of anger. Anger can become a significant issue if it leads to aggressive behavior toward others. When anger is a frequent response to daily events and people around you, it can diminish joy and richness in life. Anger can affect your work, relationships, and social life. It may even lead to legal consequences if you harm others. Anger is a powerful emotion that must be understood to mitigate its effects.
- Anger can make people feel justified in acting irresponsibly. For example, road rage might lead someone to push another driver off the road, believing they deserved it for cutting them off.
Understand the root of anger. Some people use anger to escape pain. It provides a temporary boost to their self-esteem. This also applies to those with legitimate reasons to be angry. However, using anger to avoid suffering means the pain remains, and it’s not a long-term solution.
- Anger can become a habit to mask pain because it’s easier to handle. It gives a sense of control, making it a familiar coping mechanism for fear and vulnerability.
- Often, our unconscious reactions to events are tied to painful past memories. Anger responses may be learned from parents or caregivers. If one parent was frequently angry and the other always tried to calm them, you might adopt passive or aggressive anger models, both of which can be counterproductive.
- For example, if you experienced childhood abuse or neglect, you might have learned ineffective ways to handle anger (e.g., aggression). While revisiting these emotions can be painful, understanding your childhood experiences helps you recognize how you learned to cope with stress, challenges, and difficult emotions like sadness, fear, or anger.
- Seek professional support for psychological trauma, such as childhood abuse or neglect. Revisiting painful memories without professional guidance can sometimes lead to unintentional self-harm.
Communicate Your Feelings
Avoid passive expressions of anger. Passive anger involves avoiding direct confrontation with the person who hurt or angered you. Instead, you might seek indirect revenge, such as gossiping or embarrassing them later.
Avoid aggressive expressions of anger. Aggressive anger is the most problematic because it can lead to violence and negative consequences when anger spirals out of control. If frequent and unchecked, it can disrupt your daily life.
- For example, yelling, screaming, or physically attacking someone are signs of aggressive anger.
Choose assertive expressions of anger. This is the most constructive approach. Assertiveness fosters mutual respect. You can express anger without blaming others, maintaining respect for everyone involved.
- Assertive communication respects everyone’s needs. To communicate assertively, describe events without accusations. Simply express how an action made you feel. Base your statements on facts, not assumptions, and ask if the other person is willing to discuss it.
- For example, you might say: “I feel hurt and angry when you laugh during my presentation because it makes me feel like you’re belittling my work. Can we discuss and resolve this?”
Identify your emotions. Understand what you’re feeling. Be more specific than just “good” or “bad.” Clarify your emotions—whether it’s jealousy, guilt, hurt, or something else.
Use “I” statements. Talk about your feelings without judging others. Starting sentences with “I” prevents the other person from becoming defensive and encourages them to listen. “I” statements show that you, not someone else, are experiencing the issue. For example:
- “I feel embarrassed when you tell our friends about our arguments.”
- “I feel hurt when you forget my birthday.”
Focus on yourself, not others’ shortcomings. You’re the expert on your feelings, not others’ flaws. Instead of blaming someone for making you feel bad, focus on your emotions. Once identified, express your true feelings, such as hurt. Avoid judgmental statements and stick to what relates to you.
- For example, instead of: “You’re never home in the evenings,” say: “I feel lonely and miss our dinner conversations.”
- For example, you could say: “I feel like you’re not paying attention to me when you read documents instead of listening to what I’m trying to say.”
Provide specific examples. When addressing the other person, give concrete examples to illustrate what might have caused your feelings. Instead of saying, “I feel lonely,” explain why. For example: “I feel lonely because you’ve been working late every night, and we couldn’t celebrate your birthday together.”
Be respectful. Show respect for the other person during the conversation. It can be as simple as saying “please” or “thank you.” This fosters cooperation and mutual respect. When asking for something, frame it as a request rather than a demand. You can start the conversation like this:
- “If you have time, could you…”
- “It would really help if you… Thank you, I truly appreciate it!”
Focus on problem-solving. Once you’ve acknowledged your emotions and started communicating assertively, you can begin proposing solutions. This means doing everything in your power to resolve the issue.
- Take a few minutes to calm down. Clarify your current emotions. Start strategizing how to approach the problem.
- For example, if your child comes home with a poor report card, you might feel angry about their grades. Approach the situation with solutions rather than just anger. Discuss spending more time on homework after school or suggest hiring a tutor.
- Sometimes, you may need to accept that there’s no solution to a particular problem. While you can’t control the situation, you can control how you react to it.
Communicate clearly and specifically. If you hesitate or speak vaguely without addressing the issue directly, everyone will feel frustrated. For example, if a colleague talks too loudly on the phone, you could make a request like this:
- “I have a request. Could you please lower your voice during phone calls? It’s making it hard for me to focus. I’d really appreciate it. Thank you.” Address the person directly, clarify what you want to happen, and present it as a request.
Seek Professional Support
Try therapy. Therapy is an excellent way to discover new methods for managing and expressing anger effectively. A therapist will likely use relaxation techniques to help you stay calm during moments of anger. They’ll also help you address thoughts that trigger anger and find new ways to view situations. Additionally, they’ll support you in developing emotional regulation skills and practicing assertive communication.
Enroll in an anger management class. Anger management programs have shown high success rates. The most effective programs help you understand your anger, provide short-term coping strategies, and build long-term skills.
- There are many options available. For example, programs may cater to teens, executives, police officers, or other groups who experience different types of anger with varying causes.
Consult your doctor about medication therapy. Anger is often a symptom of various disorders, such as bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. Medication therapy depends on the underlying condition causing the anger. Treatments for these disorders can also help manage anger.
- For example, if anger accompanies depression, you might ask your doctor about antidepressants to treat both depression and anger. If irritability is part of generalized anxiety disorder, benzodiazepines like Klonopin may be prescribed to address the disorder and help manage discomfort.
- All medications have side effects. For instance, lithium, used for bipolar disorder, carries a risk of kidney complications. Understanding potential side effects helps you monitor and manage them. It’s important to discuss these risks openly with your doctor.
- Discuss any concerns about medication dependency with your doctor. For example, benzodiazepines are addictive. Struggling with alcohol addiction while developing a dependency on another substance can worsen the situation. Be honest with your doctor so they can determine the best treatment for you.
