How to Feel More at Ease

Insecurity is one of the main issues that affect human relationships and, even more importantly, the relationship we have with ourselves. The feeling of being unsafe, whether alone or with others, can lead to self-destructive behavior if there are no appropriate coping mechanisms in place. When we feel insecure, we cannot express or showcase our best abilities, nor do we dare to face the everyday risks that bring us exciting experiences and new opportunities. Feeling more at ease allows us to begin making profound changes. Courage and perseverance are two essential virtues, worthy of being an invaluable gift that helps us trust ourselves and the world we live in.

Start by understanding the inner critical voice. This voice, or the persistent thoughts in your mind, often seizes every opportunity to make you feel worse when facing even the smallest mistakes, failures, or shortcomings. Take time to genuinely listen to the inner criticism and judgment. Sometimes, we focus so much on blocking the negative inner voice that we fail to accurately listen to what it is actually saying.

Understanding the Inner Critic's Voice. Take the time to listen to the self-criticism that arises within you in different situations, paying close attention to recurring themes or common threads that emerge in these critiques. By linking your expression, personality, or a specific tone of voice with the inner critic, you can gain deeper insight and understand the core message it seeks to convey.

• This might be particularly challenging for some people who struggle to visualize an object or role associated with the inner critic. This could suggest that the inner critic isn't an entity you need to please, but instead represents your unmet personal desires and values.

Making Peace with the Inner Critic. Making peace doesn't mean agreeing with everything the inner critic says. A true friend is someone with whom you can be comfortable and who loves you, no matter how much you change. Similarly, accepting the presence of your inner critic and being willing to confront the messages it conveys is essential. The inner critic may express an unmet need, albeit in a distorted way.

• For instance, if your inner critic tells you that you are worthless, you might recognize this as a sign of an unmet need for recognition. This transforms the feeling of helplessness into a new goal—seeking the validation you need, which could be as simple as asking a loved one for an affirming statement.

Let the Inner Critic Know When to Back Off. As with any genuine relationship, it's important to recognize when to heed warning signs and when to push back. Once you've developed a positive perspective on what the inner critic is focusing on, you can challenge both the critic and the negativity it brings into your life.

• Over time, you might realize that the inner critic doesn't always have the right answer. For example, the inner critic may repeat harmful things that others once said about you or dredge up childhood thoughts.
• Make a well-considered decision to change the narrative of the inner critic, sending a clear signal to that part of yourself that has often been deemed useless or overly criticized.

Stand Tall. Improving your posture is one of the best ways to overcome feelings of insecurity (though it may seem indirect). By standing and sitting upright, your body sends a signal to your mind that you are capable and ready to act.

• Similarly, pay attention to your clothing. Even if you're working from home or in a relaxed environment, consider switching your usual outfit for something you feel good about wearing throughout the day.

Develop a Simple and Regular Morning Routine. Mornings can often feel more stressful than other parts of the day, especially if you have tasks awaiting you. It’s the time when we become fully aware of everything we need to do, which can leave us feeling anxious about whether we can manage it all. By creating a consistent morning routine, we can calm those anxious thoughts by planning ahead, such as brewing coffee right after stepping out of the bathroom.

Shift Focus from Criticism to Praise. Have you ever noticed how easily you fixate on criticism while ignoring any praise you receive for your work? Living in a society where people are focused on fixing flaws, we often overlook the positives, with problems pulling us down more powerfully than recognition. Thankfully, you have the power to choose where to direct your attention, how much weight to give it, and what you choose to focus on.

• For example, if your boss says, "You've done an excellent job recently, but I want to see the documents you are working on organized differently," you can respond (1) with gratitude for the acknowledgment, (2) with a comment about what you enjoy about the work, and (3) then address the request to adjust the task that was already done well. By emphasizing the importance of the praise, you’ll realize how others can positively contribute to boosting your sense of security.
  • Note the distinction in significance between praise and issues, especially when compared to a standard apology and a promise to make a suitable change.

Strengthen Your Skills in Your Chosen Field. Do you have any skills or talents that others admire? Take time to learn things you find worthwhile. Whether it's speed reading, making coffee, or playing the piano, developing your abilities will give you a greater sense of confidence because it nurtures your innate talents and cultivates skills you can share with the world.

• Remember to focus on what truly matters to you. You may value a skill because you tend to admire those who excel at it. This perspective can help ease insecurities as you recognize this is a skill you deem valuable. Otherwise, the uncertainty about your choice might leave you wondering, "Should I even bother learning this skill?", which would undermine the confidence you gain from practicing it.

Organize Your Desk. Having your work tools within reach can eliminate even the smallest moment of insecurity, which might arise when you don’t have what you need close by. Such moments of insecurity can amplify and affect your major decisions and your mindset. Since your desk is one of the few things you can truly control, knowing that items like paper clips and staplers are neatly stored in the top left drawer will give you a sense of order and ease as you go about your daily tasks.

• This is similar to other daily management successes (e.g., cleaning your counter, catching up on the news), all of which can and should be seen as small victories. To better recognize these successes, make a list of the tasks you should clearly address. Complete them and praise yourself for every small win, being kind to yourself regardless of your satisfaction with the results!

Choose Your Living Environment Wisely. Surround yourself with people who help you feel comfortable to create and explore your true self, to examine the insecurities you feel, and everything that comes with them. Since you are responsible for your own sense of insecurity, it’s crucial to stand firm in social situations. This means being assertive about your personal needs and even distancing yourself from those who cannot offer help or show empathy.

• Ask yourself honestly: "Who has made me feel this way when I’m around them? Who has made me feel that my contributions are insignificant?" You might be surprised (and disturbed) to realize that those we love the most sometimes unintentionally downplay or suppress our true feelings. It’s also common to fear that our tension and necessary needs won’t be accepted, even though everyone has similar feelings and needs!

Express Your Requests and Suggestions. Gaining peace of mind means learning to trust that someone is actually listening and won’t ignore you. By making legitimate requests and suggestions, others will recognize your contribution and viewpoint without feeling that you are being demanding.

• For example, if you're discussing dinner options with your partner and you're so exhausted that you can't handle the decision-making, instead of complaining that they don't do as many small tasks as you, or arguing about who should take responsibility for this, try expressing your fatigue openly. You can make a direct yet non-threatening request for them to take on this task tonight.
  • Remember not to blame your partner or make them feel guilty, as this will only put them in a defensive position. People tend to react poorly when they feel they're being controlled rather than acting on their own accord.

Embrace a Conscious Flexibility in Social Situations. Those seeking peace of mind often experience a strong urge to please others, which can lead to self-sacrifice and diminish their sense of security. However, a similar drive to meet others' demands may push you to step outside your comfort zone. Trying out various social scenarios can show you that you’re more capable than you think. This will also offer you valuable insight into what true safety in life is—your own strength.

• It might sound odd, but how does continuing to please others relate to your peace of mind? The difference lies in awareness. For instance, if you're invited by friends to join a new club that seems intimidating, you might choose to participate because you're feeling insecure about your standing with your peers. However, you could also view this hasty decision as an opportunity to be more adaptable, reminding yourself that you’re capable of handling new experiences. Being mindful of when to please others and when to seize opportunities to try something new will encourage a sense of security in your actions.

Remind Yourself of the Invisible Nature of Insecurity. In some social situations, do you ever feel like others might somehow sense that you're filled with fear or anxiety? Fortunately, no one can access your thoughts except for you. You can rest assured knowing that you are your own harshest critic, and most likely, those around you are also concerned with leaving a good impression.

• This idea aligns with the truth that when facing challenges, you are responsible for the standards you set for yourself. Only your perspective is closely tied to your sense of feeling, and right or wrong according to others’ standards will never forge that connection.

Visualize a Moment When You Felt Fully Confident. Try to evoke as many vivid details as possible about the moment when passion and motivation gave you unwavering confidence. Visualization can help you tap into a mindset where you can recognize your strengths, as well as the opportunities that align with those strengths.

• In addition to visualizing a confident version of yourself, think about your ideal role. By imagining a role that supports and challenges you, it will be easier to visualize and understand the driving forces behind your thoughts and motivations.

Feel Free to Put Emotional Matters Aside. When you truly focus on the challenges and setbacks in life, it's crucial to maintain some emotional distance to prevent yourself from becoming overly anxious. The helplessness in understanding the issue can lead to real feelings of insecurity, which may snowball into a series of worries, taking up all of your attention and preventing you from focusing on other matters.

• Recognize that emotional detachment can be an effective way to gain a fresh perspective on both yourself and your circumstances, only once you’ve processed the issue with your own emotions. The most beneficial approach is to adopt a holistic view of life that balances emotional sensitivity with appropriate detachment. This detachment will be most effective for those who naturally tend to react emotionally.

Train Yourself to Recognize the Positive Side of Failure and Insecurity. One person's trash can be another's treasure. Instead of attempting to deny or change your flaws, strive to discover what they might offer you.

• Keep in mind that these insights aren’t always immediately obvious and may require some creative interpretation. For instance, if you didn’t land your dream job, focus on the fact that you now have the opportunity to search for a better, more fulfilling role. If you’re concerned about how odd you might look while running, think about how someone else might find your running style absolutely endearing.