Buzz
Learn how to tell if someone is mad at you, whether in person or through text.
It can be difficult to tell when someone you care about is upset, especially if their behavior seems off and you're unsure of the cause. You don’t have to keep guessing! Instead, reach out and ask them how they’re feeling. If you’re unsure how to start the conversation, we’ve got you covered. After consulting with psychologist Lena Dicken and psychotherapist Kelli Miller, we’ve put together a list of questions that will help you understand what might be going on.
What to Say Instead of Asking “Are You Angry?”
- “Are you feeling alright?”
- “Do you want to talk about something?”
- “I’ve noticed some distance between us. Is everything okay?”
- “Could you help me understand what’s going on?”
- “What can I do to make things right?”
- “I’m really sorry.”
Steps
"How are you holding up?"
Use a gentle approach to give them space to open up. A good way to understand how someone is feeling is to casually start a conversation. You could call or text them, simply asking how they’ve been. If something’s wrong, they’ll have the opportunity to share. Even if they don’t offer much at first, it paves the way for follow-up questions, says Dicken.
- You might also say something like, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything okay?"
- “Just checking in, is everything alright?”
- “How’s everything going?”
"Is something bothering you?"
Let them know you sense a change in their energy. By asking this, you show that you care about their emotions and have noticed something is different. This way, you’re not directly asking if they’re upset with you, but rather if something is troubling them in general.
- Another way to phrase it could be, "Am I right in sensing something’s bothering you? Want to talk about it?"
- Dicken also suggests, “How are you feeling emotionally?”
"It feels like we’ve been a bit distant. Can we talk?"
Use this approach if you sense their emotions are directed at you. Sometimes it's more evident when someone is upset with you—they may give you angry stares, respond briefly, or go completely silent when you're nearby. If you’re sensing this kind of tension, it’s okay to ask what’s wrong.
- If their mood suddenly changes during a conversation, try asking something like, "Did I say something to upset you? If I did, I want to make it right."
- When you ask directly, be ready for an honest response. They may bring up things you weren’t expecting, so just listen and let them share their feelings.
"Can you help me understand why that upset you?"
Be inquisitive if you’re unsure about the reasons behind their feelings. If they mention that something you did upset them but you’re still unclear on why, don’t hesitate to ask for more details. It’s essential to get to the heart of the matter so you can prevent future conflicts. Dicken also suggests, “Are you open to discussing how you’re feeling?”
- Make sure to maintain a calm tone when asking this—if you come across as judgmental or mocking, it’ll only worsen the situation.
- While they’re speaking, just listen attentively without interrupting. Avoid sharing your thoughts right away, but saying something like "I understand" or "That makes sense" can show empathy.
Mytour Quiz: What’s Your Apology Language?
You’ve likely heard of love languages, but have you heard of apology languages? Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman (creator of the 5 Love Languages) and Dr. Jennifer Thomas, apology languages represent the ways people prefer to give and receive apologies. By understanding your apology language, you can resolve conflicts in a more meaningful way. Take this quiz to discover yours.
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Oops! You accidentally damaged your sibling’s phone. How do you react?
"Am I understanding this correctly?"
Repeat what they’ve said to confirm your understanding. According to Miller, it’s helpful to check that you’re interpreting their emotions correctly. By paraphrasing what they’ve said, you both ensure you're on the same page. Just be sure to approach this with empathy—if you sound judgmental, it’ll make things worse.
- For example, you could say, "It seems like you’re telling me that I was dismissive of your suggestion about painting the living room, and that you feel like I don’t value your input. Is that right?"
- Or, “I just want to make sure I understand, so I can improve. Does this sound accurate?”
"May I share my point of view?"
Share your perspective, but only if it might help the situation. In certain cases, you might feel that if the other person understood where you’re coming from, they’d be less upset. But be cautious—coming off as though you're trying to prove your point or justify your actions can seem insensitive. Miller suggests asking if they’re open to hearing your side before actually offering it.
- Remember, in a disagreement, the way something is perceived is more important than the intention behind it. Sometimes, it's better to just apologize rather than explaining yourself.
- You could also say, “I didn’t intend to upset you, but I see that I did. Can I explain what I was trying to do, even if it didn’t come across the way I intended? I don’t want you to think I’m attacking you.”
"Do you need some time to yourself?"
Respect their need for space if they ask for it. Sometimes, when someone’s upset, they may need some time alone to process their feelings before they can move forward. If they say they need space, it’s best to respect that and check in with them later. Dicken suggests asking, “Would it be better to talk now, or would you prefer some time?”
- This can vary from person to person. If you live together, you might leave for a few hours, then return and try talking again.
- If you’re not as close, it might take a few weeks before they’re ready to talk. The timeline depends on your relationship and the situation that caused the upset.
"What can I do to make this right?"
Inquire if there’s something specific that would help resolve the issue. Sometimes, the other person will know exactly what they need from you to feel better. They might ask you to stop making certain comments or behave in a different way. In that case, make an effort to follow through on their request to avoid repeating the mistake.
- Alternatively, you might ask, “I want to make this right, but I don’t want to make things worse. What can I do to help?”
- Be careful not to agree to something you can’t do. If the other person asks for something unreasonable, like “I want you to quit your job so I don’t have to see you,” it’s okay to politely refuse.
"I’m really sorry, can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"
Offer a heartfelt apology and ask for forgiveness if you wish to heal the relationship. Even if you feel you weren’t entirely at fault, accept responsibility for your part in the situation. If you understand where the other person is coming from, express your genuine regret. Acknowledge your contribution to the issue and kindly ask if they are open to forgiving you and moving forward.
- For example, you might say, “That was on me, and I take full responsibility. I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if I still need to earn your trust.”
- If the issue touches on something you believe in strongly, such as a moral value, apologizing might not feel right—sometimes standing your ground is the best choice. For example, if they are upset because you supported trans rights or equality for minorities, it’s okay to decide that the relationship may not be worth preserving.
"Please let me know if I did something to hurt you."
Let them know you're always open to hearing feedback and improving. Dicken advises that being receptive to their emotions and feedback is crucial. By telling them you’re open to hearing what they have to say and want to ensure you’re always improving in how you treat them, it shows that you’re willing to change, even if you don’t yet understand what went wrong.
- Alternatively, you could say, “I just want you to know that you can always let me know if I’ve upset you,” or, “I never want to hurt you. Please tell me if I ever cross a line.”
