How to Forgive

Initiate contact proactively. As life gets busier, maintaining connections with friends becomes challenging. When conflicts arise, the resulting distance makes relationships harder to mend. If you wish to forgive someone, take the first step by reaching out. This action will help you feel more open and optimistic.

• The first step is always the hardest, and sometimes you need to push yourself. Simply tell yourself, 'Let’s do this,' then pick up the phone and make the call.

Request the other person to listen. Whether you decide to arrange a face-to-face meeting or communicate via phone or electronic devices, the goal remains the same: to ask the other person for time to express your thoughts and feelings about the conflict that occurred.

• Reassure the other person that you are open and willing to listen. This will make them feel more comfortable about the upcoming conversation.
• If the person declines to meet, don’t be disheartened. There are steps you can take to move toward forgiveness, regardless of their agreement. The process of forgiveness ultimately benefits you. You can write a letter instead of speaking directly to express your feelings and thoughts about the other person. Journaling can help you articulate your emotions and be effective.
• Journaling can reduce anxiety and stress, as it provides a healthy outlet for confused and overwhelming feelings.

Discuss the issue at hand. Some conversations in life seem more challenging than others. When conflicts arise and negative emotions surface, initiating a dialogue can be difficult. The goal now is to arrange a conversation and work toward a peaceful resolution to address the hurt and disappointment within you.

• First, thank the person for agreeing to meet with you.
• Second, explain that your aim is for both parties to hear each other’s stories and move toward a peaceful solution, allowing both to move forward.
• Third, share your story in detail, expressing your feelings and thoughts.
• Fourth, ask if there’s anything they’d like you to clarify before they share their side.
• Fifth, ask questions that provide you with the necessary information to understand their intentions, motivations, thoughts, and feelings.

Apologize for your part. Most conflicts involve misunderstandings and misinterpretations of the other party’s actions and words. There are steps you can take to ease the tension. Taking responsibility for your role encourages open communication, which is essential for reaching a resolution.

Accept the apology. If the other person offers a sincere apology during the conversation, accept it. Even if you must force yourself to say, 'I accept your apology,' this is a significant step toward fostering forgiveness within yourself.

• Accepting an apology can be challenging. If you’re struggling to forgive someone, you might say, 'I accept your apology, and I’m working on forgiveness, but it will take time.'

Show willingness to move forward. If you wish or need to maintain a relationship with the person, your behavior should reflect your seriousness. Your relationship will improve if you navigate the path of forgiveness. This process involves letting go of grudges and not dwelling on the past. Additionally, being willing to laugh and joke with the person is part of the forgiveness journey. Leaving the conflict behind brings immense relief. Use this as motivation to adopt a fair and decisive mindset.

• As time passes and things progress, you might find that feelings of betrayal still affect how you treat the other person, leading to heated arguments. Perhaps you haven’t fully processed your hurt, and there’s still work to be done. This is a normal reaction, and you can address it by sharing your feelings with the person involved or someone else.

Practice empathy and compassion. Empathy and compassion are qualities that can be learned. Like any new skill, they require practice. Treating others the way you want to be treated means you’re already halfway there.

• Seize opportunities to practice compassion in public. If you see someone struggling with a door, step forward and help them. If someone seems sad, smile and greet them. Your goal is to let others feel the impact of your kind gestures.
• Expand your empathy by talking to, and most importantly, listening to people outside your usual circle. Try to have a conversation with a stranger each week. Move beyond small talk and ask about their life and experiences (with respect). This broadens your perspective and deepens your understanding of others.

Let go of your negative emotions. Fear, insecurity, and poor communication often lead to hurtful behavior. Some people don’t understand why they act a certain way because they haven’t explored their inner motivations. This doesn’t excuse their actions.

• Remind yourself that you’re not responsible for helping or transforming the other person. Wish them well, but don’t let it hinder your journey toward forgiveness.
• Try to understand what happened and why they acted that way. You can talk to them or someone you trust. Alternatively, research online, visit a bookstore, or go to a library to learn more. Knowledge is power, and understanding human behavior is fascinating.

Ask questions and shift your perspective. You might be convinced the other person wronged you in that situation. Often, people have biased views, and restoring balance is essential. It’s important to base your perspective on evidence, especially if it harms you.

• If your mind keeps circling back to the conflict, it’s consuming your time. Ask yourself: Compared to a life-or-death situation, is this issue really that significant? Is it worth sacrificing your joy and time over? Reflect on your answers, decide to shift your perspective, and don’t let the conflict dominate your thoughts.
• Perhaps you avoid social events with loved ones because you don’t want to see the person who hurt you. This decision prevents you from connecting with those you care about and robs you of enjoyable experiences. Be brave and accept invitations. You don’t have to interact with the other person, but if you cross paths, remain polite and avoid unnecessary conflict.

Shift your thoughts from anger to comfort. The truth is, anger only harms you because you’re nurturing negative feelings toward someone else. To combat resentment, transform it into peace. The lighter you feel, the less anger you’ll harbor. The reward is a better mood and appreciation from others. Answering these questions can help you shift your mindset and reduce anger:

• How do I feel when I think negatively about that person?
• Do I want to hurt myself?
• Are my thoughts only harming the other person?
• Your answers might be: uncomfortable, no, and no. Based on these, create a more positive response: I deserve to feel optimistic, take care of myself, and protect myself from harm.

Create a list of the benefits of letting go of resentment. Free yourself from what’s holding you back. Some people cling to anger, playing the victim and letting it affect multiple aspects of their lives. They believe they’re victims of others’ actions, even when evidence suggests otherwise.

• Ask yourself if you fall into this category. If the answer is yes, you need to adjust this behavior.
• The process of resolving conflict-related feelings involves identifying negative emotions and then considering the benefits of releasing them. For example, you’ll feel relaxed, relieved, able to focus on the positive, free from anger, and as though life is back on track. The goal is to find ample evidence that your life will improve if you let go and move forward.

Don’t give up on your efforts. If you try to forget something but it continues to weigh on your heart, you need to address the situation further. You can confide in a close friend or family member, write about it, or go on an outdoor adventure to let physical activity release your emotions.

• You might feel frustrated if someone tells you, “just let it go,” when you haven’t yet resolved the issue. Take a deep breath and say, “I’m trying to let it go, but I’m not there yet.”

Engage in enjoyable activities. You can learn to let go by rediscovering your passions. When you have fun, you’ll escape the negative thoughts about the conflict lingering in your mind.

• For example, you could go to the beach and fly a kite. This activity requires careful attention, giving you joy and satisfaction when the kite soars. It’s a magical distraction that shifts your perspective. As they say, laughter is the best medicine. Play and laughter help you stay optimistic and positive in tough situations.
• Schedule at least one fun outing each week to enjoy yourself.

Release your anger. Holding onto anger and frustration is unhealthy. Managing anger through physical activity or artistic expression are great ways to reduce stress and anxiety. Anger must be released to move toward forgiveness.

• Consider running, hiking, or weightlifting to burn off the energy you’ve spent dwelling on the issue. Physical exercise improves blood circulation and increases endorphins, the hormones that bring happiness and reduce pain.
• Meditate alone or in a group. Meditation has been used for centuries across cultures to overcome negative thoughts that fuel anger and cultivate positive ones.
• Painting, sculpting, or creating digital art are effective ways to shift your focus to creativity, helping you process your anger.

Rebuild trust. When we let someone into our lives, we take a risk. They might betray the trust we’ve built. A crucial part of forgiveness is allowing them to regain your trust.

• Give the person a chance to prove they’re trustworthy, honest, and sincere. Create opportunities for them to show you. By giving a little, you may receive significant positive rewards.
• For example, accept their invitation to a movie. This gives them a chance to be punctual, treat you well, and share enjoyable moments. If you’re unwilling to accept their invitation, how can you witness their sincere efforts to regain your trust?
• If the person lied about their whereabouts, ask them to text or call you to let you know where they are.
• Acknowledge their efforts to rebuild trust. You can tell them you recognize their attempts.

Cherish the lessons from experiences. Every person and opportunity in your life can teach you something. Each experience makes us wiser and more understanding of what we expect from life. We learn from both the good and the bad.

• Sit down and list what you’ve learned from the situation you’re dealing with. Perhaps you’ve learned not to co-sign a loan for a friend with poor financial history. You might also have discovered that some people prioritize partying over paying rent, or that certain roommates are so lazy and messy that you can’t recover your security deposit.
• Don’t forget to write about the positive aspects. People often focus on the negative when they’re drowning in pain, but no situation is entirely bad. Maybe you’ve learned to discuss habits and expectations when choosing roommates to ensure they align with your study and cleaning routines. This will help you create more peaceful living situations in the future.

Find a therapist. If you’re struggling to forgive someone and it’s negatively impacting your life, it might be time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Certain therapies encourage forgiveness and have successfully helped people overcome past hurts, find peace, and resolve issues.

• Ask for referrals or recommendations from your doctor, family, or trusted friends. If that’s not convenient, contact your local mental health office to explore counseling options.
• If a therapist doesn’t feel like the right fit, find another one. Each therapist is different, and it’s essential to find someone you feel comfortable with.
• Look for a cognitive behavioral therapist. They can help identify and dispel negative thought patterns growing in your mind.
• Consider seeking spiritual counseling. Many find comfort in turning to spiritual leaders who can guide them toward forgiveness. The power of prayer can heal and alleviate feelings of guilt and shame, which often drive people to seek forgiveness.

Set therapeutic goals. Commit to changing your behavior. Setting goals is beneficial for both mental and physical therapy. Engage in the process by allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable. Don’t give up just because therapy becomes challenging. Your efforts will pay off, leaving you with a sense of clarity and fulfillment.

• Define your goals. For example, do you want to feel more at peace with a family member who betrayed you? Let your therapist know this is one of your objectives.
• Reward yourself when you achieve a goal. You’ll stay motivated by celebrating your progress.
• Adjust your goals instead of abandoning them.
• Continue setting new goals to keep yourself engaged and growing.

Strengthen your support system. Surround yourself with people who care about you—whether it’s family, friends, or colleagues. Reach out to new people and expand your support network. Through therapy, you’ll learn many things that make you feel resourceful and confident. A strong support system can reduce stress and even boost your immune system.

• Explore activities you enjoy to join groups, meet new people, and experience new situations.

Forgive and accept yourself. Struggling with yourself can leave you feeling bad about who you are. You might feel guilty for not taking care of yourself in a certain situation or blame yourself unfairly for what happened. You can learn to manage feelings of guilt and shame rather than eliminating them entirely.

• If you decide to engage in cognitive behavioral therapy, it can help you examine your thoughts and develop more effective ways of thinking about yourself.

• Sometimes it helps to know that others have forgiven in unbelievable situations. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you to forgive.
• Studies show that forgiveness depends on whether people believe they will continue a relationship with the wrongdoer. This can help you decide whether forgiveness is necessary.
• It’s never too late to seek professional help if you want it. Change isn’t easy, but it’s possible if you’re willing to put in the effort and find ways to face challenges.
• Licensed therapists are trained to help people manage internal conflicts affecting their lives.
• Being honest and sincere when apologizing increases the chances of being forgiven.
• If you’ve served in the military and witnessed actions that conflict with your moral views, you can learn self-forgiveness through therapy.
• Use your mental energy (perhaps first thing in the morning) to visualize the new life you desire. Imagine yourself in the future, free from pain and suffering.

• Forgiveness is difficult, but living with resentment is even harder. Holding onto anger can be dangerous and harm others in ways you might not anticipate.
• Certain mental health conditions can hinder the ability to forgive. Someone with a personality disorder may never feel remorse or shame for their wrongdoing, which are key motivators for forgiveness.
• Unconditional forgiveness doesn’t depend on any actions or requests from the wrongdoer. The act of forgiving is meant to free you from anger, sadness, and disappointment that cause suffering.