How to Forgive Others

Forgiving those who have hurt or betrayed you is one of the most challenging things you will ever do. However, learning how to forgive is crucial if you want to repair your relationship with that person, or simply let go of the past and move on in life. Confronting negative emotions, facing the one who hurt you, and starting to move forward in life are key steps.

Recognize that anger is harmful. Forgiving someone who has wronged you is a bitter pill to swallow. Your initial reaction may be to hold on to anger and blame the person who caused you pain. While this is natural, continuing to feel hurt and angry will only cause you more suffering than the person you despise. For this reason, forgiveness is essential – not for the other person, but for your own well-being.

• Holding on to grudges can damage future relationships, cause depression or irritability, and may isolate you from others.

Make the decision to forgive. Forgiveness requires a conscious and deliberate choice to let go of negativity and strive to move forward in life. It does not come naturally or easily. But it is something you must do.

• Often, people say they "can't" forgive those who have wronged them. They believe it's impossible to overlook the feelings of hurt and betrayal. However, they fail to realize that forgiveness is a choice. When you decide to forgive the one who hurt you, the person who benefits the most from this decision is you.

Release your anger. Let go of all the negative emotions you hold toward that person. Allow yourself to cry, punch a punching bag, go outside and shout, or do anything that helps you release these bad feelings. If you don't, they will linger and cause you more pain.

• Remember, you're not doing this to ease the conscience of the other person or to overlook their actions. You're doing this to heal and move forward.

Stand firm in your perspective. Try to gain a new perspective by stepping back and examining the situation objectively. Did that person intentionally hurt you? Was it something beyond their control? Did they attempt to apologize and make amends? Try to consider everything and calmly analyze the situation. If you can understand why and how this happened, forgiving will be easier.

• Ask yourself honestly how many times you've wronged others and been forgiven. Recall how that felt and how relieved and grateful you were when others forgave you. This will remind you that we, too, sometimes unintentionally hurt others.

Talk to someone. Speaking with someone you trust can help you process your emotions and gain a fair perspective. Getting everything off your chest will feel like a weight has been lifted. A friend, family member, or therapist can lend a listening ear and provide you with a shoulder to cry on.

• While you may be advised to speak with the person who wronged you, wait until you are calm and have fully processed your feelings. This will help you avoid exacerbating the relationship and any further harm.

Find positive ways to express yourself. This will help you release negative emotions and overcome the issue. Try reading a journal, writing a letter, using creative methods like drawing or poetry, listening to or writing music, jogging, or dancing. Engage in activities that help you de-stress and make you feel better.

• Dealing with your emotions positively will make you more conscious of the issues you need to face. This is the key to acknowledging and addressing negative feelings, rather than ignoring them.

Seek inspiration from others. Read and listen to the stories of those who have gone through the process of forgiveness, in situations even worse than your own. They could be spiritual leaders, therapists, family members, or simply people who write about their experiences. These stories will provide you with hope and perseverance.

Give it time. Forgiveness doesn’t happen with the snap of a finger. It requires calmness, determination, compassion, and, above all, time. Forgiveness is something that can be done gradually, day by day. Remember, no one reaches the end of their life thinking, "I should have stayed angry longer." In the end, love, empathy, and forgiveness are the most important things.

• There is no perfect timing for forgiveness. You may find that you’ve held onto a grudge for years, only to realize you need to talk to the person involved. Trust your instincts.

Don’t rush to conclusions. Avoid making hasty judgments when confronting the person who has hurt you. If you act impulsively, you may say or do things you’ll regret. It’s important to take time to process what you know and gather information before taking any action.

• Whether the person who hurt you is a close friend or a family member, don’t overreact. Reflect on your past with that person and determine if it was a one-time mistake or a habitual pattern. Make sure to think calmly and logically before saying anything you can’t take back or that may drive that person completely out of your life.

Request to meet with the person who hurt you. Suggest meeting in a private place. Make it clear that this doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is back to normal between you two, but rather that you are ready to listen to their side of the story before moving forward. Tell them you are open to hearing the other aspects of the situation.

Listen to their side of the story. When hearing the other person’s perspective, make an effort to sit down and let them speak. Avoid interrupting or dismissing them. If your relationship with this person is at risk, the least you can do is listen.

• Ultimately, it’s up to you, but give yourself the opportunity to hear the other person’s side of things. You may be surprised by what you learn, and if nothing else, you’ll be able to make an informed decision about what to do next.

Show empathy. Try to understand the situation when dealing with the person who has hurt you. Put yourself in their shoes and ask what you would do if you were in their position. Would you act differently?

• Try to understand the person’s motivations and intentions. Did they intentionally hurt you? Or were they just pretending? Or was it simply their carelessness?

Don’t lose your temper. When addressing the person who hurt you, avoid saying or doing things that you cannot take back. Yelling angrily and hurling insults or accusations might make you feel better momentarily, but it won’t benefit the relationship in the long run. In fact, it could make matters worse and potentially destroy the relationship forever.

• Stay calm when confronting the person who hurt you. Avoid making accusatory statements during the conversation. Instead of saying, "You made me feel..." try saying, "I feel..." Take a deep breath, and if they say anything to provoke you, try counting to ten before responding.

Express your feelings to them. Once you’ve had time to calm down and think things through, calmly and carefully explain to the other person how their actions have hurt you and how it made you feel. This is crucial; otherwise, your anger may boil over and make forgiveness impossible. Let them know how this has affected your relationship, especially if it’s a romantic one.

• Once you’ve expressed your feelings clearly, it’s important to move forward. If you’ve decided to forgive them for what they’ve done, you can’t continue to harbor that painful past every time you argue or keep bringing it up.

Don’t try to get even. When you decide to forgive, it’s important to let go of any desire to get revenge or score points against the person who hurt you. Trying to get back at them will only cause more pain, including for yourself. Be strong, aim to forgive, and move forward. If possible, try to rebuild the trust and relationship you had. This is especially crucial in conflicts with family members. You need to resolve family tensions, as you’ll have to see that person for a long time.

• For example, if your best friend betrayed you, you won’t resolve anything by betraying them back. All you’ll do is cause more suffering and resentment. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your forgiveness will lose its value if it comes after you’ve gotten revenge on them.

Let them know you have forgiven them. If the person has asked for forgiveness, they will likely feel relieved and grateful that you are willing to continue building your relationship. If they haven’t asked for forgiveness, at least you can move on and leave the past behind.

• Remember that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean things will go back to the way they were between you two. If you feel that this person might hurt you again or that you can no longer trust them, that’s okay. Just make it clear to them. This is often easier in romantic relationships that have ended since you’ll likely not see each other often. However, it’s more challenging in family relationships because you’ll continue to encounter them regularly.

Understand what you want. It’s important to recognize that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Decide whether you want to rebuild the relationship or if it’s better for them to move on. To do this, you need to carefully think about the relationship and whether it’s worth rebuilding. Will this person hurt you again if you let them back in?

• In some cases, such as abusive relationships or if they’ve betrayed you multiple times, it may be safer and healthier to permanently remove them from your life.

Focus on the future. Once you’ve decided to forgive, let go of the past and focus on what’s ahead. If you believe the relationship is worth healing, start moving forward slowly. Let the other person know that despite the pain they’ve caused, you still care for them and want them in your life.

• If you continue to hold on to past hurts, you will never truly forgive or move forward. Focus on the positives and view this situation as an opportunity to start fresh. This could be what your relationship needs.

Rebuild trust. Rebuilding trust may be difficult after being hurt, but it’s important to trust yourself — trust your judgment and your ability to make the right decisions. Only then can you begin to rebuild trust with the other person.

• Make a commitment to be fully open and honest with each other about everything. This will take time. Trust cannot be rebuilt overnight. You need to give the other person time to earn your trust back.

Create a list of positive aspects. Try to focus on the good by listing the positive things you’ve gained from this experience. These could include: discovering your ability to understand and forgive, learning valuable life lessons about trust, or even developing a closer bond with the person who wronged you as you both overcame a difficult challenge together.

• If you keep dwelling on the pain and hurt that person caused you, don’t let those thoughts linger in your mind. If you do, you may find yourself repeatedly revisiting the past in search of answers. Don’t use this as another reason to stay angry. Instead, view it as an opportunity to heal.

Remember that you did the right thing. Sometimes forgiveness may mean little to the other person, and sometimes relationships cannot be repaired. Even when things don’t resolve the way you hoped, remember that you made the right choice. Forgiveness is a noble act, and you will not regret it.

• Remember that forgiveness is a process. Just saying the words doesn’t make it real. You must act on it, little by little, every day. However, expressing it verbally will help you feel more grounded in your decision.