Buzz
After the initial hurt someone causes you, you might find yourself questioning whether you should forgive and how to approach it. Forgiving someone who has caused you pain can help release negative emotions and begin the healing process. If you decide to forgive someone in your life, read through the steps below to know where to start.
Steps
Accept what has happened in order to move forward.
Accepting the hurt does not mean justifying it or forgetting about it. Acknowledge that the unfortunate event took place and that you may still have conflicting emotions. Acceptance allows you to come to terms with the sad events of the past, enabling you to forgive the person for your own benefit.
- Try not to make excuses to downplay the pain, and don’t defend the person who hurt you. Try saying out loud, “I was hurt by this person, and I need to work on moving past it,” you may find this helpful.
Give yourself time to move past negative emotions.
You may not be able to forgive someone right now. You will need some time to grieve and process everything after the hurt has occurred. There is no set timeline for overcoming negative emotions, and how quickly or slowly you heal is entirely up to you.
- Feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion are common after a traumatic event.
- You don't have to completely dismiss these emotions before you're ready to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.
- Think about what forgiveness means to you, to understand what you're working toward. For example, you might let go of the belief that the person needs to pay for their actions in order to stop dwelling on it.
Write down your feelings.
Expressing your emotions through writing can help you move past them. Sit down and write about how you felt in the past, how you feel now, and the benefits you’ll experience when you forgive. Keep this letter to yourself and don't share it with anyone.
- Forgiveness can bring a sense of relief and help you shed negative emotions like sadness and resentment.
Talk to a friend.
An objective perspective can help you find an effective way to forgive. If there’s someone close to you whom you trust enough to talk about this, share with them what happened and why you’re trying to forgive now. They may offer advice, but sometimes, simply listening is all they need to do.
- If you don't want to confide in someone you know, consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
Empathize with the person if possible.
Try to view the situation from their perspective. If you were in their shoes, would you have acted the same way? Even if you can't fully put yourself in their place, considering the situation from their point of view can help you forgive more easily. You might understand why they acted the way they did, and this could make it easier for you to empathize with them.
- For instance, the person who hurt you might have been under immense stress at that time. They might not have known how to express their emotions and directed them at you.
- This doesn't justify their actions, nor does it mean you believe what they did was right.
Be patient with yourself.
It’s difficult to forgive someone overnight. Don’t forget that forgiveness is a process that takes time and involves several steps. Even after deciding to forgive, you may still have a lot of work to do in order to fully let go.
- Be kind to yourself throughout this process and avoid setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.
Let go of expectations.
Forgiving someone doesn't guarantee they will change. When you choose to forgive, do it for yourself. Your forgiveness might ease the tension between you and the other person, or help them feel lighter, but there’s no certainty about that. Don’t expect them to apologize or change their behavior, as it may lead to disappointment if things don’t go as you envision.
- Forgiving someone can often strengthen your relationships with others, as the process of healing can help you grow.
Decide whether or not to tell them that you’ve forgiven them.
Sometimes, keeping forgiveness to yourself is the better option. If the person who hurt you hasn’t shown any remorse or offered an apology, they might not react well if you say you forgive them. However, if they’ve apologized and you wish to restore the relationship, it may be worth saying.
- If you haven’t been in touch with the person for a long time, there’s no need to reach out just to say you forgive them. That could unnecessarily cause stress.
- Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to rekindle the relationship, especially if they haven’t changed the behavior that hurt you.
Forgive them, but set clear boundaries.
Setting clear boundaries can help prevent conflicts with that person in the future. If you continue to communicate with someone who has hurt you, make it clear that forgiving them does not give them permission to hurt you again. Establish boundaries and be firm in protecting yourself if they cross them.
- You can limit your interactions with that person, especially at the beginning. For example, if you used to meet them in person, you should now only contact them via phone.
- If the emotional harm is severe, you may need to sever all contact permanently. You can forgive them privately without telling them.
- You can also remind them that you have forgiven them once and cannot do so again.
Consult a psychologist if necessary.
Forgiveness is difficult and not easily attained. If you're overwhelmed by resentment, sadness, or guilt, a therapist can assist you in managing these negative emotions in a healthy way. They can also help you find the best approach to forgive those who have wronged you in the past without compromising your personal values and beliefs.
Advice
- Forgiving someone can help you regain control over the situation.
