How to Gain the Respect of a Narcissist

If you have a narcissist in your life, you might feel like you're not being respected or properly valued. You might even feel as though they are putting you down just to make themselves feel superior. So, what can you do to earn the respect of a narcissist? While it is unlikely that someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will truly respect you, there are some ways you can set boundaries and address your own needs.

Narcissists lack empathy, so they are not capable of truly respecting you. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable condition marked by a lack of empathy and an inflated sense of self-worth. If you're hoping to gain respect from a narcissist, it's important to realize that building a trust-based relationship with them is virtually impossible.

• Narcissists who seek therapy can communicate better with others. While NPD cannot be cured, therapy can help them gradually improve their social and emotional skills.

Narcissists only value qualities they wish they possessed. If a narcissist doesn’t perceive you as valuable, they will immediately dismiss you or openly show disrespect. The most effective way to earn their respect is by demonstrating that you are more capable, skilled, and valuable than they are.

• For instance, they are often attracted to individuals with high social status, wealth, prestigious careers, or exceptional looks.
• You could mention that you recently received a promotion or highlight your social media following, for example.

Narcissists see you as 'inferior,' so prove them wrong. They may try to belittle you, but show them that you know your own worth, and that’s what truly matters. Focus on things that empower you or repeat affirmations to overcome challenges with a narcissist.

• For example, you could tell yourself, “I truly have excellent communication skills. I find it easy to talk with others,” or “I have a natural gift for taking care of people.”

Show them how you want to be treated. You might start believing what a narcissist tells you, but remember they may intentionally try to belittle you. Overcome feelings of insecurity by repeating positive affirmations like:

• "I am in control of my life."
• "I do not need their approval or permission."
• "I deserve to be treated with respect."
• "I deserve love and kindness."

Rude or disrespectful behavior might be exactly what a narcissist wants. Instead of getting angry and giving the narcissist a taste of their own medicine, try to suppress that urge. Count to 10, take deep breaths, or visualize a peaceful scene before speaking to them calmly and kindly. Don't try to provoke them - show them the behavior you wish to see in them.

• If you become defensive or try to embarrass them, things will escalate and may lead to arguments.
• If you're unsure you can respond calmly, take a break and avoid responding. They might stop provoking you altogether.

Narcissists will not meet your emotional needs, so you must protect yourself. If you're in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, understand they are not seeking a partner - they want someone who will boost their ego, and they likely don't care about your emotional needs. If your partner is a narcissist, recognize their limitations and distance yourself as much as possible. Then, evaluate whether this relationship is fulfilling your needs.

• If you're dealing with a narcissistic friend or coworker, limit your closeness to them. It's better to keep your relationship professional or friendly, but avoid sharing more intimate emotions with them.

Control your finances and make decisions in your life so you can leave when necessary. If you feel like the narcissist is making all the decisions or controlling your life, don’t wait for them to respect you. Take steps to regain your autonomy. By making decisions for yourself, you’ll realize that you no longer need to seek their respect.

• For instance, do you have career goals? It may be time to enroll in courses or apply for jobs.
• If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, make sure to have a separate bank account to take care of yourself when needed.

Establish clear boundaries with the narcissist so they know what behaviors you expect. You need to define what you want in the relationship and what behaviors are unacceptable. Make sure to communicate the consequences if they cross your boundaries. The consequences might include leaving the situation, pointing out their behavior, or walking away. For example, your boundaries could be:

• "I will leave if you don’t stop yelling."
• "I will not speak to you if you keep insulting me."
• "I will not tolerate disrespect behind my back. If you have a problem with me, let’s talk about it."

Firmly maintain boundaries when the other person crosses them. They may lose respect for you if you allow them to ignore your limits. Instead, calmly and objectively point out their actions, and then show them the consequences to let them know that you demand respect.

• For example, they might try to provoke an argument or offer excuses for their behavior, but don’t allow them to do that. Take a deep breath and walk away to show the narcissist that you won’t be drawn into what they want.

Remind yourself that you have a support system around you. A narcissist might attempt to isolate you from your friends and family. Try to meet up with people you love and trust so you can receive the care and attention you need.

• It's natural to feel upset, disappointed, or confused when dealing with a narcissist, but a therapist can assist you. They can provide advice on how to cope and communicate with a narcissist, helping you feel stronger in your relationships.

If the relationship is negatively impacting your health, it may be time to end it. If your mental health is suffering and you realize the relationship is harmful, prioritize your well-being and happiness. This can be especially hard if the person is a close friend, family member, or partner, but you deserve a healthy and supportive relationship.

• You might need to end the relationship if you feel threatened, manipulated, or controlled, or if conversations with that person are becoming increasingly tense.
• If you are experiencing emotional or verbal abuse, prioritize your safety—don’t hesitate to call the domestic violence hotline at 18001768 (In the U.S., you can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 911).