How to Gain the Respect of Your Ex

Encountering your ex—whether at school, work, or while co-parenting—can be challenging if you feel they don’t respect you. Although the decision to respect you is entirely theirs, you can choose to be someone who is always honest, empathetic, and trustworthy in order to earn respect from others. Check out the strategies below to become such a person, especially when dealing with your ex.

If you don’t believe you deserve respect, neither will others. People (including your ex) will not value you if you constantly belittle yourself, blame yourself, or dwell on your mistakes. Instead, accept yourself—imperfect, yet deserving of respect. The fact that you’ve recently broken up with someone does not change that.

• After a breakup, it's natural to feel sorrowful and upset. Allow yourself to experience these emotions, but also remind yourself of the positive and joyful aspects of your life.

You will lose others’ respect if you behave weakly or aggressively. Imagine this: if your boss or teacher stood in front of everyone and boldly declared, 'I demand you respect me,' would you respect them more? What if they knelt and begged others to respect them? Your ex will never truly respect you out of fear or pity—if you want respect, you must earn it yourself.

• Whether it’s your ex or anyone else, you cannot 'force' them to respect you. Focus on becoming someone your ex (and everyone) will naturally respect. Don’t try to make them feel pity for you.

Respect your ex (and others) the way you want to be respected. This should be your post-breakup principle: 'Treat your ex the way you want to be treated.' If you want them to be polite when you cross paths, be polite with them first. Greet them with something like 'hello' or 'how are you?' Don’t bring up unpleasant memories from the past unless both of you are willing to talk about it. Instead, focus on pleasant topics or safe, neutral subjects unrelated to your past relationship.

• Think about the people you respect the most in your life—they likely respect you a great deal as well.
• Don’t forget to respect everyone, even if your ex doesn’t see or hear it. Respecting others will help you build meaningful relationships.

Avoid Retaliating with Your Ex. Choosing to act nobly is never easy, especially when it comes to your ex! And if they have deliberately disrespected you, you might feel like earning their respect is impossible. However, by refusing to stoop to their level, you are showing respect for yourself.

• For example, if your ex misses an appointment or leaves a nasty comment on your social media, you can say, 'We shouldn’t treat each other like this,' but refrain from trying to get back at them.
• Hopefully, as time passes after the breakup, your ex will stop deliberately disrespecting you. If you consistently treat them with respect, your post-breakup relationship will likely be easier to handle.

Talking badly about your ex only makes things worse. Imagine if your ex were constantly badmouthing you to others—would you respect them more? Speaking poorly of your ex to anyone is harmful, especially if it’s to your shared child. If you lose respect this way, it’s incredibly hard to regain it, and it will negatively affect the child.

• Right now, you might wonder: 'What if I only talk badly about my ex to friends who keep it secret?' It might seem less severe than publicly ing them, but even in private, these disrespectful thoughts can still linger in your mind and manifest when interacting with your ex.

Respect your ex’s feelings and perspectives. Whether you communicate regularly or not, view every conversation as an opportunity to gain their respect. Listen attentively without interrupting or arguing. Don’t dominate the conversation just to prove that you’re fine after the breakup. When you need to address sensitive issues, do so with empathy and understanding.

• For example, you may need to discuss shared time with your child without facing your ex or agree on pet care arrangements. Don’t treat tough conversations as a battle to 'win.' Instead, aim to find the best solution for both sides.

Try to discuss the future of your relationship, if any. Sometimes things can get complicated, especially when one person hopes to get back together while the other doesn’t. Instead of playing guessing games, have an open and honest conversation about where both of you stand. This also means accepting that this relationship may no longer have a future.

• If you share a child and are co-parenting, make sure to set boundaries for this new relationship based on mutual respect. You can agree on the form, timing, and topics of communication—such as only calling or texting at specific times and focusing solely on your child’s well-being.

These qualities will earn you respect from others in any situation. Simply put, a trustworthy person commands respect. If your ex knows you are someone who keeps their word, they will naturally hold you in higher regard. If you ever miss an appointment, apologize and take responsibility.

• The more you communicate with your ex, the more important these qualities become to earn their respect. In life, you should always aim to be someone others can rely on and trust.

Do what’s best for you, not what you think will earn your ex’s respect. Wanting respect from your ex is a good goal, but don’t make it your highest priority or place too much focus on it. If the desire for respect is making you do things you don’t truly want or that don’t bring you happiness, stop and reconsider. Remember, you can’t control what your ex or others think of you, but you can control how you live your life.

• Trying too hard to gain respect from others can backfire, making you seem desperate, clingy, and weak. Live confidently, enjoy life, respect yourself and others; this will earn you the respect of everyone, including your ex.

If you go through another breakup, do it respectfully. Think about it: if the breakup causes the other person to lose respect for you, it will be hard to gain that respect back later. No matter who initiates the breakup, it should be done respectfully. If possible, break up in person; share your feelings without blaming or accusing one another. Listen to your ex, and avoid using hurtful words to mask your own pain.

• You could say something like:
  • “I care about you and I’m happy to have known you, but we can’t be together anymore.”
  • “I want to break up, but I hope we can still remain friends.”
  • “I’m sorry to say this, but I know it’s what I need to do.”