Buzz
No one enjoys being in the uncomfortable situation of telling someone they care about that their feelings aren't returned. But, sometimes, it’s the kindest and most considerate decision you can make. If a girl has romantic feelings for you, you can gently and respectfully let her know that you don't feel the same way without causing too much emotional distress. You might even be able to maintain your friendship. Here’s a guide to help you let her down easy so her expectations don’t get too high.
Steps
Don’t delay the conversation.
Prolonging the conversation will only make it harder for both of you. If she confesses that she has feelings for you, or if you sense that she might want more than friendship, it’s important to let her know you don’t feel the same way. Avoid putting it off, as delaying will only increase the difficulty for you both.
- If you want to keep the friendship intact, don’t mislead her or wait too long before telling her you don’t have romantic feelings.
- If you’re unsure whether she likes you as more than a friend, consider asking one of her close friends for some insight.
If possible, tell her in person.
Deliver the news face-to-face to provide her with closure. Speaking to her in person is the most considerate way to handle it. She’ll be able to see your expression and hear your tone, which shows you’re being sincere and truly don’t want to hurt her. It might also help her find closure and move on with less emotional difficulty.
- If meeting in person isn’t feasible, try to arrange a video call or at least a phone conversation so she can hear the sincerity in your voice.
Be clear and straightforward when you speak.
Be upfront about your lack of interest in a romantic relationship. It may not be what she expected, but it’s essential to express yourself clearly and honestly. Keep your message direct and concise to avoid any misunderstandings.
- You could start with something positive and then gently say, “I think you’re great, but I just don’t see us together.”
- Alternatively, you could give a more straightforward response such as, “I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment.”
Make it about “I” statements.
Don’t place the blame on her. She’s already shown vulnerability by expressing her feelings to you, so avoid making it harder for her by highlighting any flaws or shortcomings you may have with her. Instead, focus on your own feelings by using “I” statements rather than “you” statements.
- For example, you might say, “I’m not looking for a relationship” rather than “I’m not interested in you.”
Be gentle with her.
No one enjoys rejection, so approach it with kindness. Just because you don’t feel the same way doesn’t mean you should disregard her emotions. Treat her with respect and kindness when you let her down, even if she reacts emotionally. Keep it low-key, and she’ll likely be able to move on. You might even stay friends.
- Being apologetic can help her understand that it’s not easy for you either, and you never intended to hurt her feelings. You might say something like, “I’m really sorry, I don’t feel the same way, but I’d love for us to remain friends.”
Give her an honest reason.
Be transparent about why it’s not going to work. Avoid vague reasons like “I’m not ready for a relationship” or “You deserve better.” Instead, provide a specific, honest explanation about why you don’t think you’re right for each other. She’ll appreciate your honesty instead of feeling like you’re just making up an excuse.
- For instance, you might say, “You’re close friends with my ex, and I’m not comfortable with that” or “We don’t seem to share many interests.”
- The truth doesn’t have to be harsh. Rather than saying, “I just don’t like you,” you can say, “I don’t think we’re a good match.”
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Try to maintain an optimistic outlook to make the situation feel less awkward. Letting her know that you don’t share the same feelings is uncomfortable for both of you. Staying calm and positive can help ease her discomfort and prevent the moment from feeling more painful. Keep a light attitude to support her and minimize the awkwardness.
- For instance, after explaining that you don’t have romantic feelings, you could say something like, “I really value our friendship, and I think that dating might complicate that.”
- If she becomes very upset and asks for space, refrain from trying to lighten the mood with humor.
Assure her that you'd like to keep in touch.
If she's open to it, you can still be friends. If she handles the news relatively well (meaning she’s not overly angry or devastated), let her know you’d like to stay in touch and hang out. Tell her that you still value the friendship and would like to spend time together, especially if you share mutual friends and will likely see each other often.
- For example, you could say, “I know this isn’t easy, but I hope we can still hang out. I really appreciate our friendship, but I understand if you need time.”
- It might be a bit awkward at first, but with time, things could settle and you can hang out without any tension.
End on a positive note that might make her smile.
A hug or an inside joke could help lighten the mood. After sharing your feelings, she might understandably feel hurt and upset. Try not to end the conversation on a bad note by walking away or leaving her alone. Instead, offer some comfort, like a hug. If you share inside jokes, use one to make her laugh. Do whatever you can to leave the conversation on a good note.
- For instance, if you both love the TV show The Office, you might quote a memorable line like, “I am ready to be hurt again” or “Oh how the turntables.”
- If she’s deeply upset, giving her time and space might be the best option.
Give her some space after you’ve shared your feelings.
Give her at least a week before hanging out with her. Give her time to emotionally process the situation. While you shouldn’t ignore or avoid her, allow her to heal for at least a week. Afterward, if she feels comfortable, you can spend time together again, and things may return to how they were before she developed feelings for you.
- Keep in mind that she might not be ready to be around you yet. If that’s the case, respect her wishes and give her the space she needs.
- If she continues to pursue you after you’ve expressed your feelings, be more direct about your disinterest and set boundaries for your time together.
- Reader Poll: We asked 475 Mytour readers how they would handle a girl still pursuing them after rejection, and 57% said they would set firm boundaries and communicate their lack of interest. [Take Poll]
Try to act as if everything is normal when you see her.
Don’t make things uncomfortable for her. Speak to her the same way you did before you told her about your lack of romantic interest. Over time, you may be able to return to the friendship you both enjoyed.
- If she feels uneasy around you, don’t pressure her. Allow her the space she needs.
Stay away from getting physically involved with her.
Don’t reignite her feelings after you've already rejected her. Kissing, flirting, or hooking up with her could confuse her emotions, especially after you’ve already expressed that you don’t feel the same way. If you do start developing feelings for her, communicate that to her! But avoid hooking up with her and then continuing to say that you don’t want a relationship with her.
Send a message after a first date that didn’t go well.
Keep it short and let her know you're not interested in seeing her again. If the date didn’t go well or there wasn’t much connection, it’s polite to send a text to let her know your feelings. A brief, kind message works best, one that clearly states you’re not interested in continuing the relationship.
- For example, you might send something like, “I had a nice time, but I don’t feel there’s a spark,” or “Thanks for dinner, but I don’t think we have the chemistry I’m looking for.”
Don’t disappear on her.
Be honest and let her know it’s over. It might seem easier to just stop responding or avoid her completely, but doing so can hurt her and is not the right way to handle things. If you’re not feeling the same way, be upfront with her. She might not like it at first, but your honesty will help her move on in the long run.
- Ignoring her or ghosting could make you look bad, especially if you have mutual friends.
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Even though breakups can be difficult, they can also have positive outcomes. The emotional growth that comes from a breakup, though painful, often brings valuable insights. Keep this in mind if you're feeling guilty about hurting someone's feelings.
