Buzz
Avoidant individuals tend to shy away from others—so what’s the secret to getting them to chase after you? It turns out that persuading them to pursue you is often the key to a lasting relationship. Avoidants tend to distance themselves due to feeling misunderstood and a fear of commitment. However, by accepting them and creating a safe space for them to be themselves, you can capture their attention. Here’s a comprehensive list of psychology-backed techniques to make an avoidant pursue you. If you're looking to build a deeper connection with your avoidant crush or partner, keep reading!
Steps
Keep an air of mystery.
Avoidant individuals appreciate slowly discovering more about you over time. Keep your entire life story under wraps on your first dates and only share details that are relevant to the conversation (this will leave them intrigued). As your relationship develops, you can gradually reveal more about your life.
- Leave subtle hints about yourself to keep your avoidant engaged. This will make them think about you more, and in a positive way.
- Don’t hold back too much. An avoidant person enjoys a little challenge but also wants to feel like they’re making progress in understanding you.
- Being mysterious doesn’t mean you should keep all your thoughts and emotions hidden. Just share your personal story in chapters rather than dumping it all at once.
Participate in enjoyable activities together.
Avoidants tend to overanalyze and second-guess themselves when they have too much time to think. Engage in something active or creative together, such as hiking or taking a painting class. This will allow them to immerse themselves in the activity, making it easier for them to develop trust and connection with you. Some ideas include:
- Outdoor activities or recreational sports like volleyball or casual soccer.
- Exploring a new park or neighborhood on foot.
- Attending a cooking, dance, or gardening workshop.
Give them genuine compliments.
Many avoidants struggle with low self-esteem or lack of confidence. If they feel that they aren’t good enough for you, they may withdraw. Boost their self-worth by complimenting their intellect, appearance, or the way they make you feel. When they feel valued, they will likely be drawn closer to you!
- It’s tough to offer compliments when they’re pulling away, but try to find ways to acknowledge their positive traits despite their behavior.
- Assure them that they are the only one you’re interested in. Try saying, “No one treats me as well as you” or “You’re the most fascinating person I know.”
Adopt open and relaxed body language.
Open and relaxed body language helps make an avoidant feel comfortable around you. It signals to them that you're open to their advances, giving them the encouragement to take action. Avoidants are more responsive to non-verbal cues than spoken words — saying these things aloud could cause them to retreat even more.
- Slightly lean in while speaking, keep your shoulders relaxed and open, maintain eye contact for over three seconds, and face them directly to show genuine interest.
- Avoid crossing your arms or letting your gaze wander — this can make the avoidant feel uneasy or unwelcome.
- Often, avoidants themselves display closed or anxious body language because they’re unsure about how to engage with others.
- Lightly touch their arm and mirror their body language to create a sense of connection.
Allow them the space to pull away.
When your avoidant partner begins to distance themselves, let it happen. Avoidants often feel that no one truly understands them, and they need time to sort through their thoughts and emotions. It’s painful, but chasing them when they need space will only drive them further away, as they’ll feel their independence is at risk.
- It might seem cold to give them space, but for an avoidant, a bit of distance can actually be alluring!
- Once they come to realize how much they miss you, they’ll return.
- Think of it like fishing — if you pull too hard or too quickly, you could break the line. Alternate between drawing them closer and giving them space until they’re ready to commit.
Respect their need for personal space.
Even when an avoidant feels close to you, they still need time alone. Figuratively, they want you in their life but not necessarily in the same space all the time. Let them know that you respect their need for solitude, so they won’t feel guilty when focusing on their own interests or career. By understanding and embracing their needs, you can make them more inclined to want to be with you.
- Overwhelming them with constant texts or requests for attention might make them feel suffocated. Establish clear boundaries to understand what works for both of you — they’ll appreciate your patience and effort to understand their needs.
Give them space to reach out to you.
The waiting game is key when it comes to encouraging an avoidant to make contact with you. Allow them to reflect on you and your relationship, and let them take the lead in moving things forward. Even if they seem to be pulling away, it’s likely they still have feelings for you. When they realize you’re not reaching out, they may begin to fear losing you and take the first step to reconnect.
- Though waiting is tough, fill your time with fulfilling activities and spend time with people who uplift you. Don’t put your life on hold just because you’re waiting for them.
- A little bit of FOMO can be quite effective. If you’re living your best life, even without them, they might be tempted to come running back.
Embrace their inconsistent communication habits.
Avoidants don’t need frequent communication to feel content in a relationship. Try to accept this and practice patience when waiting for them to respond to your messages or calls — it may take hours, or even days. Understand that they struggle with staying in touch, and they likely aren’t ignoring you on purpose.
- Avoid assuming their delayed replies are intentional or cold. If you accuse them of neglect, they’ll likely retreat even further.
- It may take time to adjust to this irregular communication. Don’t feel bad if you don’t adapt right away.
- When an avoidant sees that you’re still supportive during their quiet moments, they’ll gain more trust in you and your relationship’s potential.
Take care of yourself and put effort into your appearance.
When an avoidant distances themselves, show them what they’re missing! Treat yourself to a shopping spree, indulge in a relaxing spa day, or try out a new hairstyle—anything that makes you shine. This will grab your avoidant’s attention while you invest in your own well-being (it's essential to focus on yourself while dealing with their space).
- Don't confuse looking great with trying to catch their eye. Look after your appearance because it boosts your confidence—your avoidant would be fortunate to be with you right now!
- If the avoidant notices others giving you attention, it may spark their FOMO and push them to reach out to you.
Take a break from social media.
Avoidants are attracted to those who don’t overshare their lives online. It adds to the mysterious allure you’ve cultivated. This is even more relevant if you’re in a relationship with an avoidant—they’re very private and typically avoid posting pictures of their dates or outings with you online.
- Take a break from posting for a few days or even weeks. At the very least, avoid posting photos with your avoidant partner (it can raise their anxiety).
- Avoidants tend to use social media less, preferring to keep their private lives and romantic relationships out of the public eye.
Go at their pace.
Nothing freaks an avoidant out more than romance moving too quickly. It’s tempting to capitalize on the moments when they let their guard down (like saying “I love you” for the first time or suggesting cohabitation), but it’s better to enjoy the connection as it comes without pressuring them. With time, this will allow them to feel safe enough to take a chance and pursue you more actively.
- Rushing them into any major step—a commitment, a shared pet, or even just a date—can make them feel cornered.
- Respect their need for space to process and decide if they want to pursue you. By giving them that time, you’ll foster a deeper connection and build trust.
Let them know what’s working.
Avoidants tend to isolate when they feel they’re holding the relationship back. It's essential to point out the positive and meaningful actions they take, so they don’t dwell on any negatives. Let them know what you value in them or highlight the things they do that bring a smile to your face. When they feel appreciated, they’re more likely to open up and engage in the relationship.
- Tell them how much you value it when they open up to you, and reassure them you’re always there for them.
- Let them know how much you enjoy their company and how much fun you always have fun when they’re around.
- Recognize the little things they do for you, like sweet gestures or small favors, that indicate they’re warming up (a smile or gentle squeeze is enough).
Demonstrate your reliability.
Avoidants are always looking for signs of disappointment or flaws. They use these as reasons to distance themselves and shut people out. Prove to them they can rely on you by keeping your promises and following through on what you say. Once they realize they can trust you, they’ll feel more comfortable pursuing the relationship.
- Only make promises you know you can keep and be sure to follow through.
- Be completely honest and transparent with your feelings.
- Ensure your actions align with your words to demonstrate your sincerity.
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It’s tough, but try not to take an avoidant’s distant behavior personally. They act this way to protect themselves from emotional pain, not because of anything you’ve done to push them away.
