How to Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend

Give yourself time. Going through a difficult breakup is truly heart-wrenching. While it might seem possible to force yourself to clean up the mess and move on immediately, that's not typically how things work. Whether you like it or not, you need time to heal. This article can guide you in your recovery and help accelerate the process, but it cannot shorten the amount of time you need to heal properly.

Utilize Your Personal Space. Whether it's an entire home or just a small corner of your bedroom, find a place where you can be alone with your thoughts and let things come naturally. In your personal space, your thoughts won't feel confined. Knowing you have a spot where you can be completely honest with yourself will help you confront the anger and sadness you're feeling in other areas of life.

• If your home lacks a quiet space, consider visiting a nearby park or a less crowded schoolyard. Find a secluded corner and spend some time there.
• If your personal space reminds you too much of your ex, rearrange it. Remove or hide anything that triggers memories of your relationship, and refresh the space by moving furniture, changing decor, or donating/selling unused items.
• Consider practicing meditation during your time alone to clear your mind. There are various meditation techniques; the simplest one involves sitting, breathing evenly, and focusing on your body's sensations until your thoughts become clearer and less overwhelming.

Resist the Urge to Call. Especially after a long relationship, the temptation to reach out to your ex can feel overwhelming. It's essential to fight this impulse, as contacting them will only prolong the pain in the long run.

• Track every time you start to contact your ex. This will serve as a reminder to stop.
• If your ex contacts you, the situation becomes more complicated. It's best to avoid her as much as possible. Let her know that you need time to move on. If she still cares, she'll respect your wishes.
  • If she seems unwilling to respect your boundaries, don’t get angry. She may be going through similar emotions, though she might not be as self-aware as you.

Write Down Your Thoughts and Feelings. You can write as much or as little as you like, but at the very least, put something on paper. Often, once we start writing, it's hard to stop.

• Don't worry about the quality of the writing. Grammar, word choice, and other factors don't matter.
• After writing a detailed rant, you can burn it or tear it into pieces and discard it. The act of “erasing” what you wrote is a powerful psychological coping tool.
• Never send or plan to send anything you write to your ex—even if it's just a letter. Any move you make, even with bitterness or disappointment, is a step in the wrong direction. Remember, you're trying to break the bond, not complicate it.

Write Down Your Hopes and Concerns. Once you feel emotionally strong enough not to vent on paper, try listing your talents, hobbies, interests, ambitions, and dreams. You'll be reminded that life offers much more to focus on than just your ex.

• Organize the content in any way you like. You can write it as a list or simply create a network of connected ideas.
• Whenever you come across something that excites you or grabs your attention, mark it to keep track. Remember, you're single now, and you have the time and freedom to pursue these things.

Talk to a Close Friend. If you're lucky enough to have a best friend, they can help lighten your emotional load. If you don't have anyone you trust to confide in, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor.

• Make sure your friend is someone you can trust completely. You're vulnerable right now, and if they accidentally share your feelings with the wrong person, it could come back to hurt you. Be clear with them that you need them to respect your privacy.
• Give yourself a few minutes to start talking. You may feel awkward or silly at first, but once you speak for a few minutes and notice that they’re not judging or ignoring you, the conversation will flow more easily, and you'll be able to continue.

Set Firm Boundaries. Make a conscious and consistent effort to maintain a barrier that prevents your ex from reaching out. If you're still in contact, tell her clearly that you need to cut ties in order to regain your peace of mind. Ask her not to call or text, as you won’t be responding.

• You don’t need to be rude or disrespectful when saying this. Keep your tone polite yet distant, which shows you’re not doing it just to provoke a reaction.
• If she asks how long this will last, give an estimated time frame. It’s hard to predict a specific day when you'll be able to be around her without feeling sad. Sometimes it may take just one or two months, but in rare cases, it could be a lifetime.
• Speak and act accordingly. Don’t call, text, email, or respond to her letters unless it's an urgent matter. She might feel hurt when she realizes she can no longer rely on you, but in the long run, she will heal.

Change Your Schedule. If possible, try to adjust your routine to minimize encounters with your ex unnecessarily.

• If you work together, ask your boss if it’s possible to change your weekly schedule. You don’t need to mention the breakup, just ask about shifting shifts.
• If you attend the same classes, try to be polite in class, but see if you can ask the teacher for a seat change, away from hers.

Experience New Things. Take care of yourself by trying out things you’ve always wanted to experience. Besides obvious (and expensive) activities like long trips or skydiving, don’t forget to indulge in simpler things such as visiting all the parks in the city, seeing what happens when you place a coin on a train track, singing karaoke, or finding the oldest tombstone in the local cemetery.

• If you're worried: a coin on a railroad track won’t derail the train.

Cultivate Your Hobbies and Interests. Fill your free time with steady progress and small victories rather than dwelling on sadness and resentment. Use the list of your dreams, interests, and talents as a “guide” to keep you on track.

• If you've always dreamed of fixing cars, writing a book, or making your own wine, now is the perfect time to start these long-term projects.
• If you don't have any short-term hobbies to fill the gap between projects, why not revisit something from your childhood? No one will think badly of you if you assemble a plastic model kit, add to your coin collection, or try to beat a tough video game.

Establish Daily Routines. To make the most of your time, it's essential to stick to a schedule. Start with a regular bedtime and wake-up time each morning and evening, and then carefully plan your weekday routines.

• Ensure you allocate time for personal hygiene, exercise, chores, and meals. Fill your days off with private moments.
• Don’t be too rigid with your schedule, or you'll get frustrated when plans are disrupted by unexpected events. Instead, have a general idea of how much time each activity should take, then balance your tasks within those time frames. Overloading will have the opposite effect.

Clarify Things with Mutual Friends. They have likely heard the situation from her side, but that’s fine. What’s important is that you explain to your mutual friends how *you* feel. Ask them politely not to invite you if your ex will be present, and vice versa.

• Don’t demand your friends to choose sides or “pick a team.” That’s petty, cruel, and unfair to them. If they like both of you, that’s their choice.

Engage More with Your Friends. One of the hardest parts of being single is the loneliness, especially when you were used to having someone by your side. Ease this discomfort by spending more time out with your friends. Even if you and your ex share many mutual friends (depending on the length and closeness of your relationship), there’s no reason you can’t hang out with them without her. Invite friends out and take the time to grow closer with them.

• By taking the initiative to invite them, instead of waiting for invites, you show your friends that you still care about them. Plus, you’ll have more control over where you go and what you do, reducing the chances of running back to your ex or thinking about her.
• Remember: it’s not harmful to ask your friends to avoid inviting both you and your ex to parties or similar events. Be considerate and don’t force them to pick a side.
• Try reaching out to someone you haven’t seen in a while. They’ll be glad you contacted them, and the chances of running into your ex will be lower when you’re with people who aren’t hanging out with her.

Be Open to Meeting New People. Regardless of age or social status, if you make time for friends, you’ll inevitably meet more people. Try to come across as approachable and friendly, and you’ll form new, positive connections.

• Along with having more opportunities to meet people and avoid loneliness, this reminds you that there are many others who like you even without your ex around, and you can still meet and make friends without her by your side.

Be Proud of Yourself. Look around – you have a packed schedule, interesting hobbies, good friends, and perhaps even a long-term project to work on. You've spent time cultivating your emotions and keeping yourself balanced, and you've handled the ties with your ex-girlfriend with grace and integrity. In short, you've faced a wide range of emotions, thoughts, and hopes, while building something positive for yourself. You should be proud of that.

Maintain Distance. If you're feeling good, it's best to limit contact with your ex. Don’t try to show up in front of her or make it obvious that you’re doing well without her, because she won’t care and you’ll just look foolish. Your accomplishments will be the best response to her.

Keep Moving Forward. It's amazing to finally enjoy life again, but that shouldn't be a reason to stop striving. Your life will only improve if you continue to invest time and effort into personal growth; otherwise, you’ll just regress.

• Don’t view happiness as a mountain to climb and then stop once you’ve reached the top; instead, treat it as a reward to carry with you throughout the journey.

Evaluate Your Growth. When you've truly let go of your ex enough to no longer see things through a cloudy lens, you’ll know you're ready to start looking at women again. This is the perfect time to reflect on the past relationship and realize how much you’ve grown.

• Think about how your beliefs and values have shifted. After going through a breakup with a certain type of woman, you’ve likely discovered what you really don’t like in a partner. This means you can now look for someone with a different personality and have learned from the past – a clear sign of maturity.
• Recognize that you understand yourself better than ever before. You've thought deeply and sought to understand who you are. You've found your interests, goals, and made new friends, all while being free to be yourself. In short, you know yourself in a way you never did before. You’re calmer, more in control, and more confident, naturally.
  • Consider what you’re doing now that your ex used to mock, belittle, or fail to understand. You don’t need to hide this from your future partner – she’ll appreciate your authenticity and the way you embrace who you are.

Meet New People. Once you’ve realized that you can go a whole week without feeling down about your breakup, it’s time to consider love again, if you’re ready. Remember, if you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel better, or if you choose anyone who shows interest in you, you’re clearly not over your ex yet. You don’t need a girlfriend to prove your worth.

• Put in the effort. You've learned a lot from getting through a breakup, but you'll be surprised at how much you also learned from your time with your ex. Once you fully accept letting go, you’ll realize that your past relationship was an invaluable experience to help you in future relationships. Here are some things to keep in mind as you start dating again:
  • Good hygiene is key to making a positive first impression. Always maintain personal cleanliness.
  • Smile and bring energy when talking to someone you like.
  • Be proud of your life. Women like men who are well-rounded even if they aren’t in a relationship.
  • Show a sense of humor. A little wit can win a woman over at first sight.
  • Be approachable. Don’t shy away from other guys; instead, be enthusiastic and friendly. Show others that you’re unafraid of anything.

Amy Chan
Founder, Renew Breakup Bootcamp

Meeting new people can help divert your thoughts away from your ex. It may sound cliché, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Engaging with new people, even if just as friends, presents opportunities for fresh experiences and adventures with others, leaving you with less time to dwell on your ex.

Don’t rush into decisions. Naturally, if you and the person you’re dating have chemistry, it’s up to you how fast things move. But from an emotional standpoint, it’s important to take things slow. If you're trying to keep your composure, it’s better to cut things off early. Ending a relationship always leaves a feeling of regret, but with a new acquaintance, you’ll experience less remorse if you stay clear-headed.

• If you catch yourself thinking, “She might be the one,” or talking about her to everyone you meet, it’s a sign that you're too deep—especially if you've only been seeing each other for a few weeks or months. Take a step back and make sure you’re genuinely happy with yourself and not just trying to rush into a new relationship. You shouldn’t view a girlfriend as a measure of your worth in life.
• On the other hand, don't shy away from commitment. If you've been dating a girl for a few months and feel a real connection, it’s normal to express that to her—and to yourself.