How to Get Rid of Persistent Followers

Acknowledge your feelings. Before setting boundaries, you need to understand exactly how you feel. You might feel overwhelmed by their actions, making it hard to pinpoint your emotions. Common feelings include discomfort or frustration.

• How do you feel when they invade your time and personal space?
• How do you feel when you’re around them, wishing you weren’t?
• Are there specific actions (like showing up uninvited or calling late) that trigger these emotions?

Decide on the boundaries you need. Once you’ve identified the specific emotions tied to the persistent follower, you can establish necessary boundaries. These boundaries should directly address their actions.

• For example, if they call you too often or too late, your boundary could be to stop answering calls or not pick up after a certain time.
• Set realistic boundaries you can stick to. Don’t say you’ll never talk to them again if you know you’re not ready for that.
• Anticipate the outcomes of these boundaries. If they don’t respect your wishes, what will you do?

Communicate directly. Clearly convey your boundaries to the person. Avoid speaking to them if you’re feeling angry or frustrated. Stay calm and firm when setting limits. Explain that these boundaries are about self-care, not about being rude or hurting anyone.

• If you’re nervous about the conversation, write down your boundaries to avoid forgetting them during the discussion.
• For instance, you might say, “Thanh, you know I care about you and our friendship, and I want to be honest. Lately, I’ve felt overwhelmed by your eight calls a day, so I’d like to set a limit of one call per day.”
• Practice the conversation with a trusted friend or family member. Ask them to respond as the persistent follower might.

Be prepared for their anger. When you set boundaries, you’re changing the nature of your relationship. They might not like it and could become angry. Remember, their anger is their responsibility, not yours.

• Don’t let their anger sway your boundaries. Stay committed to your decision.
• Let them be angry without engaging in arguments. For example, if they call you mean, rude, or selfish, don’t try to explain yourself.
• Constructive conversations are impossible when anger is involved.

Limit your presence. If you’ve set boundaries, reinforce them by only being present when it feels right. When you’re no longer constantly available, they’ll understand you’re serious about these limits. If they call, you can choose not to answer. If they text to hang out, you can ignore it, wait a few days to respond, or remind them of your boundaries via text.

• Next time they invite you, a simple refusal is enough. For example, “It’s thoughtful of you to invite me, but I don’t feel like going out tonight.”
• You don’t need to be rude, aggressive, or passive-aggressive by ignoring messages.
• You might feel guilty or sad about creating distance, but remember it’s for your well-being.
• While consistently enforcing boundaries can be exhausting, it’s crucial to stay true to yourself without resorting to harmful behavior, reclaiming your personal space.

Learn to say 'No.' Sometimes, saying no can be difficult, but it’s essential when dealing with a persistent follower. It’s easier to refuse if you offer an alternative suggestion. This alternative should encourage them to do something better for you.

• For example, if they invite you out, say, 'Sorry, I can’t make it. I have homework. Why don’t you ask a friend or family member to join you instead?'
• They might complain about your refusal, but stay firm.

Encourage acceptable behavior. When you set boundaries and create distance, you’re establishing new rules for the relationship, and they need time to adjust. Encourage less clingy behavior and be prepared for boundary violations. Be patient—changing someone’s behavior takes time.

• If they have lunch with someone else, tell them you’re glad they had a good time.
• Encourage them to meet new people and step out of their comfort zone. Let them know you’re proud of them for doing so.

Take a break. Before deciding to cut someone out of your life, take a pause to ensure it’s what you truly want. Tell them you think it’s best for both of you to spend time apart, meet new people, and explore other interests. If they’re a friend, let them know you still care and value the friendship.

• You could say, 'I really value our friendship and the time we’ve spent together. I think it would be great if we both took some time apart to meet new people.'
• Be gentle and respectful, avoiding criticism. Steer clear of phrases like 'You always...', 'You never...', or 'You can’t...'
• Emphasize that you believe this is the best solution for both of you.

Have an honest conversation. If all else fails and you no longer want to see them, let them know. Explain that you want to end the relationship and the reasons behind it. Be as straightforward as possible. This will be a tough conversation.

• You might say, 'I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship and what’s been bothering me. I’d like to talk to you about it.'
• Alternatively, 'I have to do what’s best for me. I think we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I wish you all the best.'
• Before having this talk, make sure it’s what you truly want.

Dealing with guilt. You might feel guilty for pushing someone out of your life. This guilt is completely normal, and it will take time to feel okay again. Trust that you made the right decision, repaired the relationship as best as you could, and did what was best for yourself.

• Accept that people come and go in life, and no one is perfect.
• Learn from the experience and apply those lessons to future relationships.

Stand by your decision. It might take the other person time to accept the end of the relationship. They may try to contact or approach you repeatedly. They might ask to talk again or try to convince you to change your mind. Stay firm in your decision and don’t give in to their persistence.

• If you respond, you’re sending mixed signals. Engaging with them will only encourage further contact.
• If they call or text, you don’t have to reply. You can block their number to avoid knowing when they try to reach out.
• Remember, you handled the situation as best as you could and made the right choice.
• You might need to remind them that you no longer want to interact or see them. Stay firm and consistent.

• Always be honest with yourself. If the person negatively affects you, let them know clearly and politely.
• Don’t be mean. This is something you need to be strict about with yourself. Being mean changes the entire dynamic.
• Stay positive even if they ignore you after you’ve set boundaries.
• If this 'clingy friend' is introverted and contacts you constantly, explain that you’re busy with work and can’t talk or hang out.
• If you argue with this 'friend,' block their number and end the friendship entirely. Don’t feel guilty about ending the 'friendship.'