Buzz
Your relationship with him came and went, but now you want to rekindle things. It's not uncommon for couples to reunite after a long breakup, so don't lose hope. However, make sure you carefully consider the reasons for getting back together, as this can help your relationship progress once again.
Read the section 'When Should You Do This?' to learn more about the right time to reconnect with an ex.
Steps
Ensure You're on the Right Path
Reflect on why you broke up. The first step is to thoroughly examine the reasons behind the breakup. Consider whether similar issues might cause further problems if you try to reconcile, or if you can overcome them together.
- It's crucial to think about what you did that contributed to the breakup. Blaming your ex entirely won't help you win him back!
Reflect on why you want to get back together. Breakups are never easy, even if the relationship wasn’t great. It’s essential to think about the motivations driving your desire to reconnect with your ex. If you want to reunite because you’re feeling sad, lonely, or dislike being single, you might want to reconsider. Missing your ex doesn’t automatically mean you should get back together. While it takes time, these feelings will eventually fade. If you genuinely care about the other person and can envision a future together, then go ahead and try to win him back!
- If your ex was physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive in any way, you shouldn’t try to reconnect. It’s normal to miss him even after a toxic relationship, but remind yourself that you deserve better.
Take your time. Ending a relationship can be intense, so it’s best to give yourself and your ex some space before attempting to reconcile. Both of you need to heal from the breakup and reflect on what you truly want.
- This doesn’t mean you have to avoid him completely if you share a school or friend group, but avoid calling or hanging out for a while to allow both of you to recover and think clearly.
- If your ex keeps reaching out, let him know you need time so he doesn’t think you’re rejecting him entirely. This is especially important if he’s shy or insecure.
- He might need time to realize how much he misses you too!
Accept that it might not work out. When trying to win back an ex, you need to be aware that it could go either way. Even if you succeed, there’s no guarantee the relationship will last. Prepare yourself for this possibility to avoid getting hurt a second time.
Build your self-esteem. Use this opportunity to invest in yourself and learn to love who you are. The stronger your self-esteem, the better prepared you’ll be for a healthy, lasting relationship.
- If you struggle with depression or anxiety, seek help from a mental health professional. You might be surprised how much therapy can boost your self-worth.
- Remind yourself of your strengths and talents daily. Celebrate every achievement, no matter how small.
- If you have trouble recognizing your positive traits, talk to friends and loved ones. Ask them to share what they see as your best qualities.
- Practice gratitude for everything you have.
- Meditation can help reduce stress and help you live more mindfully.
Seize the Second Chance
Talk to his friends. If you share mutual friends or if his friends are willing to speak with you without telling him, consider asking them what they think about the possibility of your ex getting back together with you. They often have better insight into whether he’s moved on to someone new or if he genuinely wants to reconnect with you.
- This isn’t easy. He might still want to get back together even if he hasn’t expressed it to his friends.
Reach out. When you’re ready to spend time with your ex again, ask him if he’d like to do something as friends, like grabbing coffee, attending a sports event, playing a game you both enjoy, watching a movie, or shopping together. Act like a friend, not a romantic partner.
- Don’t use this as an opportunity to beg him to come back. Instead, focus on enjoying your time together and ensuring he feels comfortable around you.
- Avoid discussing your past relationship during the first meeting unless he brings it up. Wait until you’ve met a few times and have had the chance to make a good impression as a friend.
Be the person he once loved. While spending time with your ex as a friend, remind him of all the things he adored about you. Highlight the traits you know he appreciated, like your sense of humor or empathy.
- Stay positive and cheerful around him. Subtly hint that you still have feelings for him. For example, say, "It’s so fun hanging out with you. I’ve really missed spending time together."
- Even if you don’t directly mention your past relationship, you can remind him of the good times you shared in subtle ways. Wear an outfit he once complimented, share sweet memories, or meet at a familiar place where you both had happy moments.
Show him you’ve changed. Use your time together as friends to demonstrate that you’re working on self-improvement. For example, if you used to annoy him by being late, make a point of arriving a few minutes early to your meetups.
Have an open conversation. Unfortunately, there’s no surefire way to know if your ex wants to get back together without asking him directly. When you feel you’ve had enough time to show him the new and improved you, have an honest conversation and let him know you still have feelings for him.
- Ask if he still has feelings for you before expressing your desire to reconcile. If he doesn’t, there’s little you can do to change his mind.
- Avoid crying or begging.
- Don’t let the conversation turn into an argument about why you broke up. Focus on showing him you’ve moved past it.
- Choose a quiet, private place where you won’t be interrupted.
Commit to building a better relationship. If your ex gets back together with you, both of you need to take steps to ensure that the same issues that caused the breakup don’t interfere again. Discuss past conflicts and how you can handle them more effectively in the future.
- Depending on how serious you both are, you might consider couples counseling to improve your relationship skills.
Address the issues that led to your breakup
Fix bad habits. Now is the time to reflect on behaviors that contributed to the breakup and work on self-improvement. For example, if jealousy or excessive arguing played a role, become more aware of these tendencies and make an effort to change.
- Depending on the habit, seeking help from a mental health professional might be beneficial.
- Remember, this doesn’t mean changing who you are. If your personalities are incompatible, it might be better to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. However, if you have fixable bad habits, start addressing them.
- You shouldn’t change for anyone else! Any changes should be made because they benefit you in some way.
Apologize if you hurt him. If you did anything to hurt your ex, whether it was saying something offensive or not being there for him during tough times, it’s time to apologize. Offering a sincere apology takes strength, but it can go a long way in repairing your relationship.
- Be specific about what you’re apologizing for. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for hurting you,” say, “I’m truly sorry for not answering your calls.” This shows you’ve thought deeply about your actions.
- Explain why you acted the way you did and share what you’ve learned from the experience.
Prove your loyalty. If your breakup happened because you were unfaithful, you’ll face the challenging task of convincing your ex that you won’t cheat again. How you address this depends on why you strayed, but honesty and openness are crucial.
- If you cheated because you were unhappy or felt something was missing, be honest about what happened and what you’ll do to prevent it from happening again.
- If you thought you had feelings for someone else but realized you were wrong, admit your mistake and share what you’ve learned.
- If you struggle with compulsive behavior and aren’t sure what drove you to cheat, show your commitment by seeking help from a mental health professional.
- If you cheated out of revenge or to teach your ex a lesson, acknowledge how immature that was and emphasize the importance of resolving conflicts maturely.
Address distance-related issues. If you and your ex broke up because long-distance was too challenging, don’t lose hope! Long-distance relationships are tough but can work if you stay committed and give each other the attention needed.
- Commit to regular communication and ensure you’re open and honest with each other. When you can’t be physically close, staying connected through conversation becomes even more important.
- Share the small, everyday details of your life and encourage him to do the same. This helps you both feel like you’re part of each other’s world.
- Do your best to prevent distance from making you insecure about the relationship, as doubts can lead to its downfall.
When should you do this?
Ensure you want to get back together for the right reasons. Do you still love him? If so, it might be worth trying to win him back by showing you care and believe things can be better this time. Sometimes, breakups give both people time to realize they want to be together more than anything. However, if your reasons for reconnecting are anything else, carefully evaluate whether it’s wise to rekindle the relationship.
- For example, if you want to get back together because you feel lonely without him, that’s not a strong enough reason. Loneliness fades over time.
- If jealousy over the thought of him being with someone else is driving you, reconsider. Post-breakup jealousy is normal but temporary.
Lisa Shield
Marriage and Love Expert
Marriage and Love Expert
Use the time apart to reflect on the relationship. People often feel anxious about new relationships after a breakup because they don’t understand what went wrong in the past. Take time to reflect on your relationship so you can move forward and build healthier, more positive connections!
Think carefully if he’s started a new relationship. If your ex has begun dating someone else, consider him off-limits. Don’t become the person who can’t let go when he’s moved on. If he’s happy with someone new, trying to interfere could end up hurting him, his new partner, and yourself.
Stop trying to win back your ex if the relationship was toxic or abusive. You might feel lonely or even bored after ending a troubled relationship, but work through those emotions instead of going back. Unhealthy relationships often rely on negative patterns that don’t disappear. Resist the urge to reconnect if you know you’re better off without him.
Advice
- Don’t overdo it if you know he’s not interested. You’ll only waste your time or, worse, make yourself look foolish.
- Smile when you run into him to show you still like him and are happy to see him.
- If you want to say something, be sincere—it will mean more to him. But never come across as arrogant or demanding.
- Don’t cling to him. Avoid calling or texting him constantly, as it makes you seem desperate. Give him space to figure out what he wants.
- Don’t do things you know he dislikes just to get his attention. It will only push him further away.
- Never try to make him jealous. It backfires and makes it seem like you’ve moved on, which might make him feel relieved if he ended things.
- Own up to your mistakes. Forgive yourself for your role in the breakup, then seek his forgiveness. If you lose your temper, calm down quickly and apologize sincerely. A genuine apology shows strength and character.
- When you talk, discuss his interests as well as yours. It shows you care enough to pay attention to his likes and dislikes and trust him enough to share yours.
- If he tries to cheat on his current partner to be with you, firmly and seriously say "NO." This shows self-respect and might earn his respect in return.
- Focus on spending time with friends or pursuing a new hobby. This leaves less time to dwell on your ex and helps you avoid rekindling things out of loneliness.
