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What should you do when someone says, "I just need some space"?
Everyone needs personal space, no matter how close your relationship is. It's this space that keeps relationships of all kinds healthy, vibrant, and lasting. When someone asks for space, it doesn’t signify the end—just a need for personal time to recharge and grow. We spoke with clinical psychologists and therapists to offer guidance on how to respect their need for space, focus on your own self-care, and strengthen the relationship. We also delve into why space matters, how to spot when someone needs it, and how to request your own space.
How to Offer Space: A Quick Guide
- Clarify the type and amount of space they need.
- Reassure them of your love or affection, and that space is a healthy part of relationships.
- Avoid texting or calling unless it’s urgent.
- Stay away from places you know they often visit.
- Let them come to you when they’re ready to reach out.
- Resist the urge to check their social media.
- Remember, the need for space isn’t a personal rejection.
Actionable Steps
Honoring Their Need for Personal Space
Ask the person about their space requirements, if possible. It’s helpful to establish a clear time frame for how long you’ll be apart, even if it’s just a day for a check-in. Additionally, inquire about any specific expectations, such as limiting communication or avoiding public encounters. This not only helps you meet their needs but also avoids potential misunderstandings that could harm the relationship.
- For example, you might say, “I want to respect your need for space. Can you share what that looks like for you so I can understand what you’re hoping for?”
- They might want a complete break, including no texting, social media, or face-to-face communication. However, they may be comfortable with an occasional message as long as they still have the space they need.
Explain that you're giving them space because you care. One common challenge when giving someone space is that they might interpret it as a lack of care. This puts you in a difficult spot because if you continue to contact them, they’ll feel overwhelmed. To ensure mutual understanding, make it clear that you're stepping back only until they’re ready to reconnect. Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken emphasizes that transparency is essential, and honesty is the best approach.
- For example, say, “You mean a lot to me, and I can see that you need some space right now. I’m going to respect that, and I hope this will make our relationship even stronger over time.”
Avoid calling or texting the person while respecting their space. Typically, you’ll need to allow several days or even weeks of space, depending on the situation. During this period, refrain from calling or texting them more than you’ve agreed. If you don’t, they may feel that their boundaries aren’t being honored, which could lead to frustration.
- If unsure, ask them what they would prefer. For instance, say, “Would you like me to stop texting or calling until you reach out first?”
- Giving someone space involves more than just physical distance; if you’re messaging them, you’re not truly respecting their need for space.
Tip: The duration for avoiding calls or texts depends on the circumstances and how much space they need.
Resist the urge to check their social media accounts. It's natural to be curious about what they're up to, but snooping on their social media can be harmful for both of you. It will only increase your anxiety and may make them feel like you're overbearing. Play it safe by avoiding their accounts and refraining from checking their online activity.
- Don't engage with their posts by liking or commenting, and avoid asking mutual friends about their whereabouts.
Tip: Avoid posting anything on social media that is aimed at them. If they see the post, it could upset them and make them feel like you're trying to reach out through these platforms.
Steer clear of places you know they frequent to avoid accidental encounters. While it might be difficult to completely avoid them—especially if you live together or attend the same school—do your best to stay away from places they often visit, like their workplace or favorite hangouts. This helps prevent awkward moments that might make them uncomfortable.
- For instance, if you know they grab coffee from the same café daily, running into them there might make them feel like you’re intentionally seeking them out.
Don’t ask about their activities or keep tabs on them. When someone asks for space, it’s important that they have room to explore their own independence and reflect on what they want from the relationship. If you constantly demand to know what they’re doing, you’re not allowing them the freedom they need. Let them enjoy their time without feeling pressured to report back to you.
- Resist the urge to ask, “Who are you seeing?”—questions like this undermine their need for space.
- Don’t try to control or dictate their actions during this time apart.
Let them know you're always available to reconnect when they’re ready. Reassure them that you’re there for them whenever they choose to come back, while also honoring their need for time apart. “Remind your partner of your love, admiration, and desire,” advises clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown. Keeping communication open ensures that there will always be a chance to rekindle the connection once they feel prepared.
- For example, you might say, “Whenever you’re ready and feel at ease, I’ll be here for you.”
Don’t take it personally. Everyone, including you, needs some space! If someone requests space, it’s not because they dislike you or are upset. Instead, they simply need the freedom to focus on themselves and pursue other interests. Family therapist Allen Wagner explains that not having personal space can feel “like a pressure cooker.” Taking it personally only increases that pressure and makes the situation more difficult.
Concentrating on Yourself
Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but don’t act on them. Being apart from someone you care about is challenging. You might experience sadness, anger, frustration, or anxiety. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and express them in a healthy manner, such as through journaling or creating art. However, acting on these emotions could make the situation worse.
- For example, telling yourself, “I feel really sad right now because Alex is my best friend and I’m afraid I might lose her,” can help the emotion pass.
- However, calling Alex to sob about how upset you are would not be giving her space.
EXPERT ADVICE
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Clinical Psychologist
Relationships can become overwhelming and difficult when we are constantly on each other’s radar. Wanting alone time in a relationship is completely normal. Ultimately, life is about finding a balance and maintaining a healthy perspective.
Connect with other friends to maintain your social life without them. Rather than fixating on what they might be doing, use this time to engage in social activities that matter to you and shift your focus. Hang out with friends, join a hobby group, enroll in a class, or participate in sports. Fill your free time with enjoyable activities that keep you engaged and introduce you to new people.
- For example, you could go to a movie on Monday, host a game night on Tuesday, attend a painting class on Wednesday, play cards on Thursday, and attend a local football game on Friday.
Tip: Staying active reduces the temptation to contact them. By having fun without them, you're truly giving them the space they need.
Keep your mind occupied so you're not constantly thinking about them. It’s natural to worry about losing this person, but dwelling on it will only make you feel worse and may prompt you to reach out too soon. Engage in activities that occupy your thoughts, like reading, playing games, or watching a documentary. This will help you focus on something other than the situation. Don Brown reminds us that time apart is beneficial for both parties.
- For example, if you catch yourself thinking about your partner during your lunch break, try reading a book to divert your attention.
Talk to a trusted friend if you need to express your emotions. You’re probably feeling upset right now, and talking things through might help you feel better. Confide in someone you trust and let them know whether you just need to vent or if you'd appreciate some advice.
- For example, you might say, “I’m going through something right now and need to vent. My boyfriend asked for space, and I’m afraid we might break up. I miss him so much.”
Alternative: If you don’t want to speak to someone, try expressing your emotions by writing them down in a journal.
Take care of yourself to ensure you're living your best life. Taking care of yourself will improve your mood and also show the other person that you're capable of being independent. Make sure you're eating nutritious meals, staying active, and maintaining good hygiene. Dicken recommends doing nice things for yourself like enjoying your favorite coffee, taking a soothing bath, or going for a brief walk.
- Consider creating a routine for yourself to ensure you're keeping up with self-care during this time.
Healing the Relationship
Reflect on the reasons they needed space in the first place. Think about what happened before they asked for space and consider what they shared about their needs. Then, ask yourself what you could have done differently and how you can improve things moving forward.
- For instance, maybe you had an argument, or they feel you're being too clingy.
- If they're open to it, discuss the reasons behind their need for space. Ask, “What did I do that made you need space?”
- Alternatively, ask, “What can I do to respect your boundaries in the future?”
Own up to your mistakes and apologize. While both of you might have contributed to the situation, the only thing you can truly control is your own actions. Acknowledge what went wrong and offer a sincere apology. Let them know you understand and will work to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.
- For example, say, “I realize I wasn’t respecting your need for time with your friends. I’m really sorry if I made you feel controlled. Moving forward, I’ll make sure you have space for your other relationships.”
- Similarly, you could say, “I apologize for talking to your ex at the party. I know that upset you, and I’ll be more considerate of our friendship next time.”
Plan something enjoyable for the day you reconnect. The initial moments of reunification can feel awkward, and you may be tempted to talk about your feelings. However, one of the best ways to rekindle your relationship is by having a fun time together. Choose an activity that both of you will enjoy and invite them to join you.
- Pick an activity that allows you to have fun without diving into deep discussions. For example, you could go bowling, play mini golf, try rock climbing, or attend a concert. Focus on enjoying the moment, rather than revisiting past issues.
- Find something that reflects your shared interests to remind yourselves of why you enjoy each other’s company.
Ensure both of you have time to be independent. “It’s healthy to desire personal space in a relationship,” says Don Brown. A balanced relationship allows both individuals to grow, explore their passions, and nurture other connections. Have a conversation with them about what each of you needs in order to feel fulfilled and happy. Then, adjust your habits so you can both remain independent while fostering a healthy bond.
- In a romantic relationship, this might involve having a few evenings a week dedicated to personal hobbies or time with friends.
- In a friendship, it could mean acknowledging that you each have other friends and respecting boundaries, such as not spending time with each other’s exes.
- For family relationships, like siblings, it might involve respecting each other’s personal space and privacy, and asking for permission before using one another’s belongings.
Commit to clearer, more transparent communication. A relationship can’t thrive without open dialogue, so it’s important to find ways to communicate that both of you enjoy. You could send each other memes, ask how each other’s day went, or set aside dedicated time each evening to talk. Be sure to discuss your individual preferences for communication so that you can both agree on how it will work in your relationship.
- For example, if you live together, you might talk face-to-face often, but if you spend a lot of time apart, texting might be your preferred mode of communication.
- If they prefer less frequent communication, respect their needs. That might mean giving them space when they come home or allowing them to initiate conversations more often, rather than always taking the lead yourself.
Why is personal space important?
Space allows you to maintain your own life outside the relationship. No matter how much you care about someone, allowing them to become the center of your world is often a path to disappointment. People need variety and space to grow, so they can live well-rounded, fulfilling lives. As clinical psychologist Elizabeth Weiss explains, “We all have different needs for time with other friends, family, and pursuing career goals.”
- Having personal space also prevents relationship burnout, which occurs when you feel frustrated after spending too much time with the same person.
- If you only spend time with one individual, you miss the opportunity to broaden your own experiences and enrich your life.
- When both people have the room to be themselves, they also gain more to talk about and appreciate in each other.
Signs Someone May Need Space
They become cold or distant. According to Dicken, sometimes someone may “ignore or not respond” to you, signaling that something is wrong. They could be feeling suffocated and are pulling away, or perhaps something happened, and they just don’t want to discuss it yet. Either way, they are distancing themselves to gather their thoughts and get some space to process things.
- If you notice them pulling away, it's best to acknowledge it, but avoid pressuring them, as that could push them further away.
- You might say, “I’ve noticed things feel a bit off between us. I don’t want to push you, but just know I’m here if you want to talk. I want the best for you.”
They seem to get frustrated easily. When someone needs space, they may become easily overwhelmed. This feeling of being overwhelmed can lead them to lash out or become more irritable than usual. If your interactions are consistently more negative than they used to be, it may be time to give them some space to reflect on things.
You both start to feel bored being around each other. As Wagner points out, you might begin to “feel trapped” in a relationship when you spend too much time together. Eventually, you might lose energy or sense of excitement. If you’re feeling this way, chances are they are too, and it could be a good time to take a step back and spend some time apart.
You can’t function without each other. This is known as codependency. It happens when you become so entwined with someone that it feels impossible to live without them, or they feel the same way about you. You may notice that they’re draining your energy, or conversely, you might feel like you can’t do anything—like going to a movie or seeing friends—without them. In either case, it’s a clear sign that you both need some space.
Asking for Your Own Space
Let them know you need some time alone. It’s best to bring it up face-to-face so they don’t feel like you’re avoiding them. Don Brown advises being straightforward: “Discuss your need for personal time. Tell them what having space means to you.” Approach the conversation with kindness, clarity, and confidence.
- For instance, you might say, “Hey, I think I need a bit more independence. Can we talk about what that looks like?”
- Alternatively, you could say, “Recently, I’ve felt like we’ve been spending too much time together, and I’m not having enough time for other people or my hobbies. Can we discuss this?”
Avoid placing blame or complaining. According to Don Brown, blaming doesn’t help, and it’s more important to “accept your personal needs and responsibilities in the relationship.” Make it clear that your request isn’t about them, but about giving you space to be yourself. This doesn’t mean the relationship is ending; it’s just evolving.
- For example, you could say, “I value our friendship, but I’ve started neglecting other friendships. So, I’m going to spend more time with them.”
- If you’re in a romantic relationship, you could say, “I love you and care about you, and that’s why I’m going to explore other things for a while so we both have space to grow.”
Clarify what space means to you so they can respect your boundaries. If you don’t express what you need, they won’t know how to give you space. “It’s essential to have space to meet our needs and be responsible for ourselves,” says Weiss, and there’s no need to feel guilty for asking. Clearly explaining your boundaries helps them understand what to expect, and it ensures they won’t feel bad either.
- For example, you might ask them not to call you during certain hours unless it's urgent. Or, you may ask them to take on specific tasks to free up your time.
- You could also let them know you’re not interested in certain activities or places, or that you’d prefer to see each other twice a week instead of four times.
- If this is a temporary situation, let them know when you’ll be available again.
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How much space is too much? That depends on the dynamics of your relationship. However, if you go for weeks without talking at all, it might be a good idea to reach out and check in with each other.
Warnings
- There’s a possibility that they may come to the realization that they no longer want to salvage the relationship. While this can be painful, remember that time will heal the hurt and things will improve eventually.
