Buzz
Master the art of politely saying no to a date without causing discomfort.
Everyone encounters rejection at some point, and we’ve all experienced both sides of it. Turning someone down requires a bit of finesse, but it doesn’t need to lead to awkwardness or ruin a friendship. We spoke with dating experts and matchmakers to compile a helpful guide for when you need to express disinterest, whether you’ve been out on a few dates or the person is a complete stranger.
Essential Tips
- Express gratitude for their attention and offer a quick compliment about the date or the time you’ve spent together.
- Be truthful and clear by saying you’re not interested, not ready to date, or don’t see the relationship progressing.
- Concentrate on your own emotions and reasons, steering clear of criticizing them or their character.
Steps to Follow
How to Decline an Advance Gracefully
Express appreciation for their gesture or attention. Acknowledging their offer or attention can soften the impact of the rejection. You don’t have to overdo it—just a simple sentence expressing your gratitude will show that you appreciate the thought.
- Dating expert John Keegan suggests saying something like, “That took courage... I’m genuinely flattered. Thank you for doing that, it makes me feel good.”
- Alternatively, you can say, “I appreciate the compliment on my dress,” or “That’s a lovely offer.”
- If you’re uncomfortable, however, you don’t need to thank them. Don’t give the impression that their behavior is acceptable if it’s making you uneasy.
Give a direct and honest rejection. Dating coach Imad Jbara emphasizes the importance of being “honest and direct.” While it might be tempting to soften the blow by being vague, this can lead to confusion and force you to reject them again later.
- Try saying, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” “I don’t feel the same way,” or “That’s not something I’m interested in.”
- If it’s an ex seeking another chance, be firm: “We’ve tried this before, and I don’t think it’s wise to go down that road again.”
- If the person continues to pursue you after you’ve made yourself clear, become even more direct and establish boundaries to protect your time and space.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 455 Mytour readers on how they would handle someone continuing to pursue them after being rejected. 58% said they would set clear boundaries and communicate their disinterest. [Take Poll]
Don’t apologize for rejecting them. You don’t owe anyone an apology for feeling the way you do. Apologizing can make it seem like you pity them, which might hurt their feelings more.
- Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested,” just say, “I’m not interested in dinner, but I really appreciate the offer.”
Keep it casual to spare their embarrassment. Expressing romantic interest always comes with some risk, and it takes a lot of courage! By staying lighthearted and casual, you can ease the rejection and show that while you’re turning them down, it’s no big deal and they shouldn’t feel bad about it.
- For example, don’t avoid them afterward, and stay friendly and cordial, as long as they respect your boundaries as well.
Propose staying friends, but give them the space they need. Sometimes, you genuinely want to remain friends with someone you're not romantically interested in, especially if you were friends before they expressed their feelings. However, they might not be comfortable maintaining a friendship afterward. Respecting their decision is important, even if it stings a bit.
- You could say, "I hope we can stay friends, but I understand if you need some space."
Use excuses or harmless white lies sparingly, and only with unfamiliar people. Dating coach Imad Jbara suggests saying, “I’m really busy right now, I need to get going, but it was nice to meet you,” or, “Unfortunately, I have a boyfriend.” While excuses and lies can be helpful when you're feeling uncomfortable, choose a response that doesn’t leave room for further debate and exit the conversation quickly.
- Keep in mind, if you know this person, they might catch on to your excuse or discover it later. It’s best to use these tactics only with strangers and be more direct with people you’re familiar with.
- Alternative lines include, “I’m not looking to date anyone right now,” “I’m already seeing someone,” “I’m too busy at the moment,” or “I just got out of a relationship.”
Reject physical advances firmly and directly. Dating coach and matchmaker Erika Kaplan advises that “physical advances must be met with boundaries.” If someone makes an unwanted physical move, it's essential to be clear and unambiguous about your feelings and comfort level.
- Don’t feel compelled to be polite or suggest they have a chance if that’s not how you feel; their violation of your consent is a significant overstep.
- One response could be, “I don’t appreciate being touched without consent, and I’m uncomfortable with your advance. Please respect my space and leave me alone.”
- If you feel unsafe, leave the situation and seek out a nearby friend, authority figure, or even a stranger to accompany you to safety.
How to End Things After a Few Dates
Prepare what you’ll say in advance, if possible. Taking the time to figure out what you want to say or rehearsing it with a friend can make it easier to end things gracefully. Reflect on the reasons you’re not interested, and try to focus on the most significant issues. Then, think about how to share those reasons in the most considerate way.
- If you’re not physically attracted to them, it’s kinder not to mention that directly. Instead, you might say, “I just don’t feel the chemistry,” or “That spark seems to be missing.”
- If you feel they talk too much, you could say, “I think we communicate in different ways.”
Try to meet them face-to-face, if you can. According to matchmaker and dating app CEO Maria Avgitidis, “If you want to break up with someone you've been seeing, the most considerate way is to do it in person.” This method is respectful and allows for closure for both parties.
- Choose a public place, like a coffee shop or park, where you can have the conversation and leave quickly if needed.
- Also, make sure to arrange plans with a friend afterward, so you have both a way to exit the situation and emotional support on standby.
- If you’ve only had one date, it's perfectly acceptable to communicate your feelings via text or a phone call.
EXPERT INSIGHT
Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Dating Coach
Don't just disappear without explanation. If you're not interested in dating someone, show respect by letting them know. Don’t leave them in uncertainty, thinking there’s potential when you have no interest.
Start by offering a compliment. Giving them a kind word can help soften the rejection, but don’t overdo it. If you shower them with praise, they might wonder why you don’t want to continue seeing them. Plus, your compliment might feel insincere when you follow it up with the rejection.
- Try a brief compliment like, “I really enjoyed getting to know you,” or “I had a great time talking with you about movies, you're so insightful.”
Express gratitude for the time you've spent together. Acknowledge the effort they've put into the relationship. Even though your message may be tough to hear, it’s important to recognize their feelings.
- For example, you could say, “Thanks for the dates we’ve had. It’s been fun, but I don’t think we’re a match.”
Give them a general reason why things aren't working. Providing an explanation, even a brief one, offers some closure. A simple statement like “I don’t feel a connection” is much better than silence. You may choose to offer more details, especially if you’ve been on a few dates together.
- You might say, “I’ve enjoyed our time, but I feel like our goals are different, and we’re not on the same life path.”
Focus on your personal feelings without blaming them. Being honest doesn’t mean being cruel. Usually, there's no need to point out what you don’t like about them. Instead, keep the conversation centered on why it’s not working for you personally.
- For instance, instead of saying, “I don’t like your lifestyle,” try saying, “I’m not sure our lifestyles are compatible.”
- Avoid giving “constructive criticism.” People are entitled to live however they want, and the things you don’t like might be perfect for someone else.
Respond to their questions, but stay firm. Dating coach and matchmaker Maria Avgitidis advises, “Answer any questions they may have to give them closure.” They might not feel the same way, and that’s okay. Acknowledge their feelings but reaffirm your decision to end things.
- For instance, you could say, “I understand why you think we should go on another date, but that’s not what’s right for me.”
- Don’t feel obligated to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable. If necessary, say something like, “I’m not sure that’s relevant, and I’ve already explained my reasons.” Then, politely exit the conversation.
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Don’t spread rumors or gossip about the person afterward. Understand that it took bravery for them to approach you, so respect their privacy and keep their trust in mind.
