How to Handle a Controlling Spouse

Living with a controlling partner can be very draining. A controlling individual often micromanages, criticizes, and restricts their spouse's actions. Depending on the severity and frequency of these controlling behaviors, you might want to talk to your partner to improve your marriage, or even seek professional counseling. If the behavior is extreme or does not improve despite advice, you may need to consider ending the relationship to regain your independence.

Stay calm. For many people, arguing is a natural response when their partner exhibits controlling behavior. Unfortunately, a controlling person will often resist and won't let you 'win' an argument, so this usually just escalates the situation. Instead of arguing, you should maintain a calm and composed demeanor. You can oppose your partner's viewpoint without raising your voice or being disrespectful.

• If you find yourself unable to agree with your partner, consider saying something like, 'I understand your point, but have you thought about this?' instead of saying 'You're wrong. My opinion is better!'
• In some cases, you might realize it is best to agree with your partner, but you should negotiate without yielding to their controlling behavior. For example, you can make your own decision while still considering your partner's opinion.

Empathize. When your partner wants to control or manage you, try to see things from their perspective. Think about why they might be acting this way and try to understand them. This approach can help you avoid getting angry when your spouse exhibits controlling behavior.

• This method helps you understand their behavior and may allow you to overlook minor arguments, but never use it as an excuse for disrespectful behavior towards you.

Ask Constructive Questions. If your partner begins to criticize or interrogate you, quickly shift the conversation by asking intelligent questions. Pose questions that make the controlling spouse realize that their expectations are unreasonable and their actions unacceptable. For instance, you could say, 'Did you explain clearly what you want me to do?' or 'I will leave unless you learn to respect me. Is that what you want?'

• Avoid being stubborn, as it will only escalate controlling behavior.

Request a Plan from Your Partner. In some cases, you can use your spouse's controlling tendencies as a way to address smaller issues in your marriage. Explain the problem to them and engage their desire to control by asking them to come up with a plan to solve it.

• Be as specific as possible when describing the issue. For example, instead of saying 'You're too controlling,' say 'I feel like you micromanage everything I do and don’t trust me to handle things on my own.'
• If your spouse refuses to acknowledge the issue, this strategy will not work.

Prepare for Denial. A controlling person may not even realize they are being controlling. The truth is, many who seek control feel as though they are being controlled themselves, which may explain why they feel the need to be assertive. If you’re dealing with a spouse who excessively controls, you will need to convince them that they are the ones controlling, and this will take time.

• Show respect in your conversations. If you want to salvage your marriage, avoid attacking your partner's character. Instead, focus on pointing out specific actions or situations that upset you.
• Use as many examples as possible when explaining your perspective on 'control.'

Set Clear Boundaries. Once you've discussed your partner's controlling behavior, it's essential to outline what you're willing to accept. Be clear about the specific actions that need to change.

• Make a list of the most pressing issues and talk about what you can do to avoid conflicts in the future.
• Keep in mind that your partner might feel you are the one controlling them, so be open to hearing their proposed limits as well.

Agree on Consequences. Your partner may need periodic reminders about your boundaries, so decide what actions will lead to consequences and specify what those will be. This should apply only to behaviors that can’t be reconciled.

• For minor disagreements, a gentle reminder of the limits you've set might suffice.
• Avoid using consequences too often. Don’t withdraw privileges or affection for minor offenses from the controlling partner!
• The consequences should be significant. For example, you might decide to leave if your partner fails to treat you respectfully in the coming month.

Seek Professional Help. If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge their controlling behavior, or if you both struggle to handle the issue on your own, consider seeking a counselor. Your partner may need a professional to explain what controlling behavior is and how to fix it.

• Couples counseling could be a good option, allowing you to discuss your concerns with a marriage counselor’s guidance.
• Your partner may also benefit from individual therapy to help uncover the reasons behind their controlling actions, such as insecurity or past trauma.

Don’t Allow Yourself to Be Isolated. Many controlling individuals try to isolate their partners by limiting their time or preventing them from seeing friends. If this happens, stand up for yourself and make it clear that you won’t allow your friendships to suffer.

• You have the right to be alone, so let your partner know when you need time to focus on your passions or simply be yourself. Encouraging your partner to pursue their own interests will help ease the situation.
• Still, spend quality time with your partner if you're looking to improve your relationship. Engage in meaningful activities together to strengthen your bond.

Avoid Self-Criticism. If your controlling partner constantly criticizes you, it’s easy to start feeling like you’ve done something wrong. It's important to remind yourself that you deserve the best and not fall into self-blame.

• Self-criticism can undermine your confidence. If this happens, remember the goals you once had and eliminate the negative thoughts your partner has instilled about your abilities. Taking small steps toward those goals is a great way to free yourself from your controlling partner.

Don’t Feel Guilty or Indebted. Many controlling individuals use guilt to manipulate their partners. If your partner tries this, understand it as a form of control, and don’t let it influence your decisions.

• Some controlling partners make their spouse feel guilty by claiming they cannot live without them or even threatening self-harm if they leave.
• Others make their partner feel indebted by suggesting that they owe something for providing them with shelter or love.

Stand Firm in Your Beliefs. Some controlling partners try to impose their thoughts and values on you. If you have different views, it’s essential to stand up for yourself and protect your beliefs.

• If you follow a different religion than your partner, maintain your independent beliefs by attending religious services on your own or with family.
• If you have political views that differ, feel free to vote according to your own principles.

Be Willing to End an Unhappy Relationship. In some cases, controlling behavior can be corrected, and mutual respect may develop, but it's important to realize that this doesn't always happen. Often, controlling people cannot change easily, so be ready to end the relationship if it’s causing you harm.

• There are specific behaviors that should never be tolerated. If your partner is physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually abusive, ending the relationship is the best course of action. If you need support, contact a domestic violence hotline.