Buzz
Dealing with a harsh coach can transform a sport you once enjoyed into something you’d rather avoid. If your coach constantly yells or engages in belittling, mocking, or insulting behavior, there are several ways to address the situation. Begin by adjusting your own mindset, and if that doesn’t help, consider having a conversation with your coach and involving your parents.
Steps
Maintaining a Positive Outlook
Identify the specific behaviors that make your coach seem 'mean.' Calling someone mean is often an immediate emotional response based on how they made you feel. However, it’s important to pinpoint the actual behaviors that bother you. Some actions may cross the line, while others are worth letting go.
- Does your coach tend to yell often? For high school students and older athletes, this can be fairly common. However, younger athletes in elementary and middle school should not be subjected to this.
- Is your coach using hurtful language? Are they insulting your intelligence, appearance, or self-worth? These types of actions should be reported.
Take a moment to breathe when your coach treats you harshly. Reacting impulsively or snapping at your coach will only escalate the situation. Instead, take a deep breath whenever your coach says or does something that irritates you. Pause for a moment before responding.
- Cooling off will better equip you to handle your coach’s outbursts calmly.
- Counting to ten can also help calm your thoughts and regain composure.
Consider their role from their viewpoint. Though there’s no justification for belittling or insulting behavior, understanding why your coach behaves the way they do can be helpful. Coaches face pressure to win games consistently, and their job security may be at risk if they don’t. Therefore, their outbursts likely stem from stress and the intense pressure to succeed.
Own up to your mistakes. It’s easy to focus on disliking someone to the point where you overlook your own errors. Perhaps your coach was rude after you arrived late to practice, but the reality is, you should have been on time—acknowledge your fault.
- Don’t brush off your mistake with sarcasm or humor. Offer a sincere, brief apology, and then return to the task at hand.
Show up early and stay after practice. Even though you might not want to spend more time with your coach, putting in extra effort will demonstrate your commitment to the sport. Arrive thirty minutes before practice to warm up and stay afterward to assist with cleanup. Your coach may stop singling you out once they notice you putting in more effort than some of your teammates.
Engaging with Your Coach
Talk to your coach if you're thinking about quitting. Coaches should inspire your passion for the sport, not drain it. If their behavior has become so overwhelming that you're considering leaving the sport entirely, it's crucial to have a conversation with them.
Arrange a time to discuss the issue. If you approach your coach unexpectedly and try to discuss serious matters, they might not be able to focus or may not want to engage with you in front of others. Instead, ask if you can set up a time to meet, either after school or following practice.
- Consider suggesting their office as a neutral space, away from the gym or field, where past negative encounters may have occurred.
Point out specific words they’ve used that upset you. Be prepared with examples when addressing certain behaviors. For instance, if your coach called you stupid after missing a shot during a game, bring up that exact moment instead of generalizing with statements like, 'You always call me stupid.'
- Try using specific language such as, 'When you called me an idiot yesterday after missing that shot,' to highlight the exact moment the incident occurred.
Explain how their actions made you feel. Your coach might not realize the emotional impact their words have on you. Be honest about how their behavior made you feel, whether it was hurt, embarrassment, or fear. Let them know if their actions are causing you to dread practices.
- For example, you might say, 'It was very hurtful when you called me worthless on Monday. I struggled to concentrate for the rest of practice.'
Give your coach a chance to improve. While your coach may or may not change, it's important to give them the opportunity to do so. Always start by talking to them, then allow them a week or more to adjust their behavior before escalating the issue to a higher authority.
Seeking Assistance
Talk to your parents. Your parents should be your biggest supporters if you feel like you're unable to resolve the issue on your own. Share any troubling behaviors with them and be open about how much this situation is affecting you. Make it clear that you're not just complaining about a challenging practice but genuinely need their help.
- Try saying, 'I've been thinking about this for a while,' to show that you're serious and not just reacting impulsively.
- Tell them something like, 'It’s to the point where I feel sick when I think about going to practice.'
Arrange a meeting with the coach’s supervisor. Your parents can contact the school or organization to schedule this, and depending on the preferences of the principal or coordinator, the coach will likely be included in the meeting. Don’t let your parents speak for you the entire time; it’s crucial that you have an opportunity to voice your concerns too.
Be open about your emotions. Although it can be intimidating to speak in front of a group, don’t hesitate to express how you feel during the meeting. Describe specific behaviors and language that have hurt you and explain their impact. Be honest if the situation has reached a point where you’re contemplating quitting.
Seek support from your teammates. If you feel that your coach's superiors aren’t taking your concerns seriously, consider gathering support from your teammates. It’s likely that others are also feeling intimidated, embarrassed, or frustrated by the coach’s actions. Ask them if they’d be willing to talk to their parents and arrange meetings with the principal as well.
Ask your parents to help you find a new team or program. If things don’t improve despite multiple discussions and complaints, it might be time to consider switching to a different team. If you're currently on your school’s team, look into local club teams you could join. Explore nearby neighborhoods or towns to see if any clubs or programs might be a better fit.
- Switching teams could mean extra travel or costs, so make sure to express to your parents how important your well-being and happiness are.
- Try to observe a practice or scrimmage with a potential new coach to ensure their style aligns better with your preferences, avoiding the risk of finding yourself with another coach similar to your current one.
