Buzz
Dealing with a narcissist is quite a challenging task. Their narrow mindset prevents them from seeing beyond their own self, creating a world completely isolated from the outside. Narcissism comes in many forms, and interacting with narcissistic individuals can be discouraging and detrimental to your mental and emotional well-being. However, there are a few fundamental strategies you can apply when facing a narcissist.
Steps
Long-term Coping Strategies
Identify a narcissist. Before making any judgments, remember that many people may exhibit narcissistic traits without actually being narcissists. By understanding the characteristics of a narcissist, you can quickly recognize one and avoid unnecessary interactions, focusing only on those you already know. Ask yourself if the person exhibits the following traits:
- Exaggerates their own importance.
- Frequently expects or demands praise and attention from others.
- Rarely considers the needs or feelings of others.
- Acts arrogantly or condescendingly towards others.
- Believes they are special in some way and that only other special people can truly understand them.
- Believes others are jealous of them.
- Uses others to get what they want.
- Obsessed with power, success, or perfect love.
Klare Heston, LCSW
Social Work Professional in Healthcare
Social Work Professional in Healthcare
Individuals with narcissistic traits often fail to recognize their own narcissism. According to social worker Klare Heston: “Some narcissists are aware of their tendencies, especially when others point them out. Others, however, become so immersed in admiring themselves that they focus solely on their perceived ‘greatness’ and believe it to be the truth. Generally, they lack self-awareness.”
Assess your needs. If you're looking for someone to be by your side, to share life's joys and sorrows with, it's best to avoid spending time with a narcissist, and instead seek out people who can fulfill your needs. On the other hand, if the narcissist in your life is entertaining or fun, and you don't require support from them, you can maintain a friendship or relationship with them for now.
- Make sure you don't hurt yourself when interacting with a narcissist. This is particularly important if you're in a close relationship (such as with a spouse or parent), as they will consume a lot of your time.
- If you feel drained by a narcissist's constant demands for recognition, praise, attention, and patience, reassess the relationship.
- If you’re experiencing abuse (e.g., manipulation, constant belittling, or being treated as if you have no worth) from a narcissistic family member, you need to step away immediately, as they pose a danger to your mental health.
Accept the limitations of a narcissist. If this person is truly important to you, you must accept their narcissistic tendencies. Stop expecting or demanding support or attention from a narcissist who simply cannot provide it. You will not get what you need and will end up feeling discouraged, disappointed, and will make the relationship worse.
- For example, if you know a friend is narcissistic, don’t continue discussing your issues with them. They won’t empathize with you and will quickly turn the conversation to themselves.
Define your self-worth through other means. The ideal self-worth comes from within, rather than relying on external validation. However, for some people, self-worth is heightened when others acknowledge their existence by valuing their individuality. Don't turn to a narcissist for this kind of validation because they are incapable of offering it to you.
- Understand that when you open up to a narcissist, they won't truly value what you're sharing. In fact, they will manipulate you with whatever they know, so be cautious when sharing intimate thoughts with a narcissist.
- Remember that a narcissist lives by the motto “I am the best.” When interacting with them, you will inevitably be swept into this mindset.
Show empathy towards narcissistic individuals. This may sound easier said than done, but remember that behind the confident exterior of a narcissist lies deep insecurity and a need for validation. Furthermore, narcissists lead unfulfilled lives because they are disconnected from their own emotions.
- This doesn’t mean you should tolerate their inappropriate behavior. Instead, recognize that narcissists are unable to form meaningful connections with others, a result of being raised by narcissistic parents.
- Also, understand that narcissists do not comprehend unconditional love. Everything they do serves to satisfy their own needs, leading to a profoundly lonely existence.
- You’ll find empathy for narcissists once you realize their negative behaviors reflect their own self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy.
Short-term coping strategies
Avoid playing mind games. Many narcissists engage in psychological games that force you into a constant defensive mode. The best way to handle these games is to recognize them and stop playing. To deal with a narcissist, you must set aside your own ego.
- Stop playing the "blame game." Narcissists cannot accept mistakes, which means they need someone to blame for their wrongdoings. Instead of arguing or explaining that it's their fault, you must set boundaries. Make note of their actions so you can present them without accusatory tone, like saying, 'Here’s the checklist showing we need more paper.'
- Narcissists are often skilled liars. If you remember something differently than they do (especially when it’s detrimental to them), don’t doubt yourself. However, you shouldn’t argue unless you have solid proof to back your version. Still, narcissists will try to distort the truth to avoid losing control.
- The most important thing to remember is not to react to their behavior. When interacting with a narcissist, you’ll inevitably face insults, manipulation, and lies. Don’t react. It’s like a game of catch — you don’t need to catch and throw the ball back. In fact, let the ball (insults, mind games, etc.) roll away on its own.
Don't try to please the narcissist. Since narcissists have inflated egos and think only of themselves, they often see you as inferior. You might win their favor temporarily, but you should never aim to satisfy or impress them in the long run.
- Prepare yourself to be devalued by the narcissist. You will never meet their unrealistic expectations — that of being someone who gives all their attention to them.
- Try not to take their criticism personally. Remind yourself that their actions stem from a distorted view of life. Similarly, avoid arguing over rights with a narcissist, as they won’t listen to your side.
- If they repeatedly belittle you (whether they are your spouse, parent, or boss), find a trustworthy person (a close friend, mentor, etc.) to vent. If possible, take a break from the narcissist to recover emotionally.
Listen more. If you must interact with a narcissist, the best way to cope is to listen. Narcissists will demand your attention and your listening skills, and they get upset or resentful when you don’t comply. Of course, everything has its limits, and if a narcissist demands attention at an inappropriate time, you don’t have to meet their demands. However, if you wish to build a friendship or relationship with a narcissist, be prepared to listen.
- When distracted, ask them to clarify their point so you can easily refocus on the conversation. For example, you might say, 'I was thinking about what you said about X and didn’t catch everything you just mentioned. Could you repeat that for me?'
Give sincere compliments. It's likely that there are still qualities you admire in a close narcissist. Focus on praising those traits. This way, your compliment will feel more genuine and help foster goodwill. It also serves as a reminder of why you continue to keep this person in your life.
- For instance, if the narcissist you know is great at writing, compliment them on that. You could say, 'You express your ideas so well. I appreciate how clearly you lay things out.' They will recognize your sincerity and may criticize you less.
- Even if you provide the compliments and admiration they crave, narcissists will still find ways to hurt and control you because of the deep insecurity inside them. Always be cautious as their methods can be quite subtle.
Smile and nod. If you must interact with a narcissist and you find it difficult to constantly flatter them, the best option is to remain silent. While you won’t please them by staying silent, not responding will indirectly signal your agreement.
- Since narcissists demand constant attention, smiling and nodding is an effective way to meet their needs without crossing any boundaries. This method works especially well for narcissists with whom you have a more distant relationship (e.g., coworkers, relatives you don’t live with, or acquaintances).
Convince the narcissist that fulfilling your request benefits them. If you need something from a narcissist, the most effective way to approach it is to frame it in a way that they see the benefit in granting your request.
- For example, if you want to invite a friend to a new restaurant and she often emphasizes her social status, you can convince her by saying, 'I heard it’s a great place to meet influential people in the community.'
- Another example: If you want to attend an exhibition with a friend who values intellectual prowess, you might say, 'The organizers mentioned that smart, quick-witted people enjoy the exhibition.'
Offer constructive criticism using positive or neutral language. Narcissists never accept direct criticism. They’ll perceive it as jealousy or malice, even disregarding your opinions. Avoid embarrassing them, even if that’s your intention. Frame your feedback in a way that makes them feel empowered.
- For instance, if you need to remind a narcissistic client about a payment, gently prompt them by reminding them of the agreed payment deadline rather than bluntly saying they are late.
Implement intervention measures
Determine if intervention is appropriate. Sometimes, intervention is necessary, especially when the narcissist is someone you deeply love (a partner, parent, or child). This can be difficult because the narcissist will not easily accept that they have a problem.
- The best time to intervene is after the narcissist faces a major life event (e.g., illness, job loss) that shakes or diminishes their ego.
Seek expert support. You will need the guidance of someone experienced and neutral, as the situation can escalate and become tense during the intervention process. An expert can also help plan the intervention and suggest methods to approach it. Seek advice from professionals experienced with narcissistic individuals, such as behavioral therapists, psychologists, or healthcare social workers.
- Experts will discuss treatment options with you. Both individual and group therapy have proven helpful in making narcissists realize that others are just as important as themselves.
- Do your own research and ask trusted individuals if they know any experts who can help. You want to find someone capable of guiding you through this issue.
Gather additional support from 4-5 individuals. These should be people who are close to the narcissist, or those who have been harmed by them but are still willing to offer help.
- Make sure these individuals do not warn the narcissist in advance or discuss the impending intervention.
Plan the intervention carefully. This cannot be done impulsively. You need to determine the right time and place, along with what you will say and do. Experts will assist you in understanding what could occur when the intervention is carried out.
Prepare key talking points. These are the crucial issues to focus on during the intervention. You might discuss the emotional damage the family has endured due to the narcissist's behavior (with specific examples) and explain why the intervention is necessary (e.g., abusive behavior or neglecting family responsibilities). Remember to present clear evidence.
- You may need to issue an ultimatum if they refuse the intervention. This could involve not participating in important activities with the narcissist or ending the relationship. This reinforces your commitment to convincing them to change.
Clearly explain how the narcissist's actions are harming themselves. It's important to express empathy during the intervention, as your goal is to help the narcissist become a better person. Let them know that change will benefit them and those around them. Use first-person statements to avoid putting the narcissist on the defensive. For example, 'I feel ignored when you constantly talk about yourself' or 'I feel like you always want my emotional support but never reciprocate.' Again, highlight specific actions that hurt you.
Prepare for the possibility of the intervention failing. You must remember that intervention does not guarantee the narcissist will actually do what is necessary to improve. Similarly, therapy for a narcissist is not always effective, so be mentally prepared for the worst-case scenario.
Advice
- You cannot win a debate with a narcissist, and even if you do, you lose. The best solution is to distance yourself and minimize communication with them.
Warning
- Avoid excessive contact with narcissistic individuals and sever ties when necessary. Spending too much time with a narcissist may lead to mutual dependency, which can have a negative impact on your health and emotional growth.
- It's crucial to prioritize your mental well-being when dealing with narcissistic individuals. If your quality of life declines due to their influence, it's essential to distance yourself, even if they are a parent, spouse, or superior.
