Buzz
Interacting with individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits can be challenging. You might feel overwhelmed when someone in your life acts as though they are superior or deserving of special treatment. While these are typical signs of narcissistic personality disorder, remember that only a qualified professional can make an official diagnosis. If you feel emotionally manipulated or hurt by a narcissistic individual, there are strategies you can apply to manage the relationship and protect your well-being.
Procedures
Managing a Narcissist Over the Long Haul
Learn about narcissistic personality disorder. Labeling someone a “narcissist” is not simply a reference to being self-absorbed or egotistical—NPD is a multifaceted psychological disorder with a range of symptoms, varying in intensity.
- People with NPD commonly seek constant admiration, struggle with receiving criticism, and often have difficulty understanding others' perspectives.
- However, it’s important to recognize that many individuals exhibit these traits without meeting the full diagnostic criteria for NPD.
- Only a licensed psychologist, after spending substantial time with an individual, can determine if the person has narcissistic personality disorder.
- Keep in mind that being diagnosed with NPD (or conduct disorder in individuals under 18) does not automatically mean someone is a narcissist.
Try to show compassion. Showing compassion to someone who has hurt you can be challenging, but it's worth considering that individuals displaying narcissistic traits might be battling with underlying mental health issues. Despite their outward behavior, those with narcissistic personality disorder often crave validation and struggle with emotional connections.
- Offering empathy doesn’t mean you should tolerate mistreatment.
- Remember that such individuals often find it difficult to relate to others and prioritize their own needs.
- Their personal and professional relationships can be strained due to their inability to empathize.
- This creates a lonely existence, and they might need more help than they let on.
Establish healthy boundaries. People with narcissistic tendencies may inadvertently seek their own needs at the expense of others, often requesting emotional support without offering any in return.
- Set clear boundaries with them by explaining that their behavior is unacceptable.
- Maintain calm communication, and be clear about what you are and are not willing to help with.
- Once you’ve set these boundaries, stick to them. Giving in to their demands might escalate their behavior.
Boost your self-esteem. It’s common to seek validation from others to enhance your self-worth. However, individuals diagnosed with NPD may not be able to provide the emotional support you need.
- A narcissistic person may criticize or belittle you to elevate themselves.
- Try to recognize that these actions often stem from their own insecurity and feelings of shame.
- If you work on improving your self-esteem, it’ll be easier to cope with their negativity and dismiss any disparaging remarks.
- Incorporate positive affirmations, self-care practices, and surround yourself with a supportive group of friends.
Prioritize your own needs. If someone in your life exhibits narcissistic traits, consider seeking professional help to process your emotions. If this person isn't offering the mutual support and understanding you need, it might be best to limit your interactions.
- If, however, their presence in your life is still beneficial in other ways, you might choose to maintain the relationship.
- Be sure that this individual isn’t causing harm or undermining your sense of self.
- If spending time with them leaves you feeling drained or undermined, it could be time to end the relationship.
- If you identify signs of abuse, such as manipulation or feeling worthless, remove yourself from the situation immediately and seek support from trusted individuals.
Managing a Narcissist in the Short-Term
Avoid engaging in mind games or pointless arguments. People with narcissistic traits often try to play mind games that put you on the defensive. The most effective way to handle these tactics is to recognize them and remove yourself from the conversation.
- Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often find it difficult to acknowledge their mistakes, so they will look for someone else to blame for their failures.
- If you try to defend your position (even if you’re right), they might react defensively or distort the truth to make themselves appear superior.
- Instead of arguing or trying to explain your viewpoint, establish clear boundaries, provide irrefutable evidence, or simply walk away.
- If a colleague is arguing with you about forgetting to order paper, you could calmly say, “Hey Dan, here’s the inventory count, and it shows we do need more paper.”
Let go of any expectations to please them. This step can be particularly tough if you’re dealing with narcissistic parents. Naturally, you want to gain the approval of those close to you, but many individuals with narcissistic traits have inflated egos and see others as inferior.
- While you might be able to win their approval temporarily, don’t expect or strive to keep them satisfied in the long run.
- As clinical psychologist Dr. Liana Georgoulis explains, people with narcissistic traits often view others as “less important, less competent, less capable, [or] less valuable.”
- Try not to internalize their criticism. Keep in mind that if they’ve been diagnosed with clinical NPD, they are unable to see the bigger picture and often act from a place of deep insecurity.
- If they consistently put you down (whether as a spouse, parent, or boss), speak with someone you trust about their behavior and, if possible, distance yourself from them.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work
Learn what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."
Offer genuine praise whenever possible. It’s likely that there are qualities in this person that you admire. When you witness them doing something worthy of respect, let them know. Your praise will appear authentic, which can help strengthen your connection and remind you of why they are important to you.
- For instance, if a friend is a talented writer, compliment them by saying, “You’re incredibly articulate. I really appreciate how clearly you express your ideas.”
- Keep in mind that those with a sense of superiority or grandiosity often do so because of deep insecurity—they crave excessive admiration.
- By offering sincere compliments as someone they trust, you can help them see themselves in a healthier light, which may encourage more positive behavior in the future.
- However, whether they have clinical NPD or simply exhibit narcissistic traits, transformation is unlikely to be immediate, even with the praise they seek. Their insecurities may still cause them to undermine you.
Frame constructive criticism positively or neutrally. People with narcissistic tendencies often struggle with receiving criticism and can react with humiliation or rage. To ease the delivery of feedback, try offering it in a positive or roundabout way, such as suggesting an alternative approach rather than implying that theirs is wrong.
- For example, if you need to remind a client to pay, you could gently ask, “Could you remind me of the payment schedule we agreed on?” instead of stating that the payment is overdue.
- Or if you need to guide a colleague in a different direction, you could say, “I’ve never seen anyone approach it that way; I typically do it this way…”
- When offering constructive feedback, try to give it in small doses over time.
- In some cases, it may be wise to pick your battles and avoid providing feedback unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Know when it’s time to walk away. In some situations, individuals with narcissistic traits may resort to verbal or emotional abuse. Be alert to signs of gaslighting or other abusive behaviors such as name-calling, accusatory statements, public shaming, or constantly monitoring your actions.
- If someone in your life is treating you this way, it might be time to exit the relationship.
- If you feel threatened or are in fear for your safety, immediately end the relationship and reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Organizing an Intervention
Decide if an intervention is necessary. If someone you care about, such as a partner or parent, is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, you may want to consider confronting them directly. However, it’s important to remember that narcissistic individuals often lack empathy.
- If the person has narcissistic personality disorder, convincing them of the impact of their actions on others will likely be challenging, if not impossible.
- NPD is rooted in both genetic factors and early life experiences, and cannot be fixed by a simple intervention.
- Instead, they will need professional assistance from a therapist or psychologist to address their behavior.
Seek professional guidance. Before attempting an intervention, it’s important to consult a mental health professional. They can help you assess whether an intervention is appropriate and advise you on the best course of action, whether that includes moving forward with it or not.
- Remember that only a licensed healthcare provider can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder.
- Consult with a behavioral therapist, psychologist, or licensed clinical social worker who has experience with NPD.
- A professional can suggest treatments for NPD, such as cognitive therapy or group sessions.
- Search online for local specialists and ask trusted individuals for recommendations on who they suggest.
Prepare for the intervention. If a mental health professional agrees that an intervention is the right step, begin carefully planning what you will say and do. Select 2-3 key talking points that you will stick to during the intervention.
- Talking points might include clear examples of how the person’s actions are affecting your family or a detailed explanation of why you decided to organize the intervention.
Enlist 4 to 5 people to join your cause. These individuals should have a close relationship with the person whose behavior you are addressing. Each should have been affected by this person's actions but is still willing to support them in seeking help for their narcissistic behavior.
- Ensure that your group is informed about the distinction between narcissistic traits and an actual diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
- Instruct them to avoid discussing the situation with others or engaging in any gossip, whether intentional or not.
Conduct the intervention. Present each of your talking points, backing them up with concrete examples. Stick to the main issues and avoid getting sidetracked by unrelated topics. Stress how the person’s actions are ultimately harming themselves and that change will benefit them in the long run.
- Use “I” statements to prevent the person from becoming defensive. For example, say, “I feel overlooked when you keep bringing the conversation back to yourself.”
- Be compassionate throughout the intervention, as the goal is to help the person improve and repair their relationships.
- If they reject the intervention, suggest that they consult a therapist instead of engaging in further conversations with you.
- If they refuse help and their behavior continues to negatively impact you or others, it may be time to set firm boundaries or walk away.
Prepare for the possibility that the intervention may not be effective. Keep in mind that even if you stage an intervention, there’s no guarantee the individual will take the necessary steps to improve.
- Even if they seek therapy and are diagnosed with NPD, there’s no quick fix. It may require years of therapy for them to fully recognize and change their behavior.
-
Remember that not every person with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits is harmful, toxic, or abusive. Many individuals with NPD manage their symptoms successfully with therapy and/or medication.
-
Claiming that all narcissistic individuals are abusive only increases the stigma surrounding the condition, which can prevent people from seeking diagnosis and treatment when they need it.
-
Similarly, equating NPD with simple self-centeredness diminishes the real struggles faced by individuals with this complex mental health disorder.
The advice in this section comes from the personal experiences of Mytour readers like you. If you have a helpful suggestion you'd like to share on Mytour, please submit it in the form below.
- If staying in this relationship is starting to harm your mental well-being, it's okay to give yourself the permission to walk away. It may be a difficult decision, but your safety, happiness, and health should always come first!
