How to Handle Controlling Parents

Children often feel like they are being 'restricted' by their parents, unable to live their lives as they wish. The reason for this might be that the child wants to push boundaries and mature faster than their parents realize, or sometimes it's because the parents are trying to control their child's life. There are many reasons why parents may want to control their children, from perfectionism to fear of the child repeating mistakes, and often, parents don't realize they are harming their children instead of protecting them.

Identify controlling behaviors. Many parents make demands on their children, but that doesn't necessarily mean they enjoy controlling them. People who are controlling often use various tactics to manipulate others. These might be easily noticeable actions or subtle tricks. Behaviors can vary, from blunt criticism to subtle threats. Some signs that your parents may be controlling include:

• Isolating you from other family members or friends, such as never allowing you to meet with friends or extended family.
• Constantly criticizing trivial matters like your appearance, behavior, or choices.
• Threatening to harm you or themselves, such as saying, 'If you don’t come home right now, I’ll die to show you!'
• Expressing conditional love or approval, like 'I’ll only love you if you keep your room clean.'
• 'Keeping score' of your mistakes, like listing past wrongdoings to make you feel guilty or manipulate you.
• Using guilt to get you to do something, such as 'I went through 18 hours of labor to bring you into this world, and now you can’t spend a few hours with me?'
• Secretly monitoring you or invading your privacy, such as searching your room or reading your text messages when you’re out of the room.

Take responsibility for your actions. Regardless of how controlling your parents may be, you are still in charge of how you respond to them. You can either allow them to make decisions for you or choose to stand up for yourself. You have the power to decide whether to show respect to your parents or let your anger take over, escalating the tension.

• You can reflect on your actions by looking in the mirror and talking to yourself. Create different scenarios that may unfold and practice responding to your parents in a way that aligns with your choice. This will help you stay in control when a real situation arises.

Don’t obsess over trying to please your parents. It is your parents’ role to help you grow into a happy, healthy, and kind person. If something makes you happy but doesn’t align with their expectations, you should follow your own path instead of trying to meet their desires. Your life is yours to shape.

Make a goal-driven action plan. Escaping a controlling situation quickly is almost impossible. You need a practical and strategic plan to start making your own decisions. Begin with something small, like telling yourself every day that you have the ability to build self-confidence. It's best to take one step at a time and gradually start making more decisions on your own.

Accept that you can’t change your parents. Just as your parents can’t control your thoughts and emotions, you can’t alter theirs. You can only adjust your reactions, and sometimes this will cause your parents to change the way they treat you. Whether or not they change and when they do is entirely up to them.

• Trying to force your parents to change is like them attempting to control you. Once you realize this, you’ll accept that your parents have the freedom to make their own decisions in this matter.

Distance yourself from your parents. People often use emotions to manipulate others. This can manifest as anger, deflecting blame, or making someone feel guilty. If you want to break free from the grip of someone who enjoys controlling you (whether it’s your parents or someone else), you might need to create some space, such as reducing the frequency of your meetings or phone calls with them.

• If you're still living at home (especially if you're young), it can be difficult to put distance between yourself and your parents. However, you can still set boundaries between you and them. Consider seeking advice from a school counselor or teacher.

Try not to act defiantly. Avoiding your parents might make them frustrated and angry. When they complain about not spending enough time with them or accuse you of not caring, try not to respond with rebellion.

• Try saying things like, "I’m sorry for making you upset. I understand how frustrating this situation must be for you."
• Remember, things might get worse before they get better. However, the important thing is that you maintain your distance and avoid getting drawn into threatening remarks. For example, if your mom threatens suicide if you don’t visit her, tell her you will call the police, then hang up and do exactly that. Don’t rush to her house or give in to her demands.

Sever financial ties with your parents. Money is another tool that parents often use to control their children. If you’re capable of earning your own income, stop relying on your parents financially. It can be difficult, but you need to take responsibility for paying your bills, buying necessities, and managing your finances. Not only will this make you more accountable, but it will also loosen your parents’ "tight grip" on you.

• This may be challenging if you're still young, but by taking small steps, it can become achievable. Even if you can’t pay rent and living expenses, try to earn money for your own personal hobbies. Your parents might not agree, but if you go to the movies with money you earned yourself, it can remove a tool that controlling parents might use against you.

Try not to beg your parents. When you beg your parents, you are putting them in a position where they can bargain with you. If you want them to meet your requests, you’ll also have to offer something in return. While this isn't necessarily wrong, it can lead you to quickly abandon your autonomy and give more power to your parents. If you need help, ask your friends or other family members instead.

Recognize abusive behavior. If you are young and experiencing abuse, contact child protective services or speak with someone responsible at school, such as a teacher or counselor. Abuse can take many forms, so if you’re unsure whether you’re being mistreated, talk to a school counselor. Some types of abuse include:

• Physical abuse, such as hitting, punching, confinement, or causing burns and injuries in various ways.
• Emotional abuse, including behaviors like verbal insults, belittling, blaming, and unreasonable demands.
• Sexual abuse, which involves inappropriate touching, sexual assault, and other sexual acts.

Letting go of the past. You cannot heal a relationship if you continue to harbor resentment. Therefore, forgiving your parents for the mistakes they made is helpful. You may also want to forgive yourself for how you reacted to their mistakes.

• Remember, forgiveness is not just for the other person but also for your own peace of mind. Forgiving your parents means you are choosing to release your anger without saying that their actions were right.
• To forgive someone, you must actively choose to let go of the resentment. One way to do this is by writing a letter to your parents—one that you won’t send. In the letter, honestly express how you feel about the situation, why you are angry, and why you think your parents acted the way they did. Finally, you can end the letter with something like “I’m not happy about what happened, but I will let go of my anger. I forgive you, Mom and Dad.” You can also say this aloud to yourself.

Communicate clearly with your parents respectfully. You need to tell your parents how you feel and why you’re distancing yourself from them. How can they address the problem if they don’t know it exists? Avoid blaming or being rude. Instead of complaining about their actions, explain your feelings to them.

• For example, instead of saying “You are taking away my rights,” you might express it more constructively by saying “I feel like I’m not allowed to make my own decisions.”

Set clear boundaries for yourself and your parents. When starting to improve the relationship, it's essential to avoid falling back into old patterns. Decide beforehand what decisions your parents can and cannot be involved in. Similarly, establish which choices you can make on your own and which ones you might consult them on.

• For instance, you might seek your parents' advice on important career decisions, like which university to attend or whether to accept a job offer. On the other hand, you may not allow them to be involved in personal choices such as whom you date or whether you marry.
• You can also choose not to engage in discussions your parents bring up, like relationship issues. However, you might decide to be there for them if they face severe health challenges, such as cancer or heart disease.

Respecting boundaries in your relationship with your parents. Once boundaries are set, it's crucial to honor them. You can't expect your parents to respect your personal space if you don't extend the same courtesy. If you find it challenging to maintain these boundaries, have an open conversation to explore solutions.

• When issues arise between you and your parents, constructive communication can help. You might say, “I respect your boundaries, Mom, but I feel like you don't always respect mine. Can we find a way to make this work for both of us?”

Handling when parents interfere with your personal choices. If your parents cross boundaries, it’s important to let them know. However, this doesn't mean you should respond with anger or frustration. Stay calm and politely inform them that they’ve overstepped and should stop. If they truly respect you, they will return your space.

• Humor can be an effective tool for dealing with controlling parents. For example, if your parents frequently criticize your career choice, you could jokingly say, “Attention, attention: Mom is unhappy with my career choice. Got it. Anything else?”

Take a break if the problem continues. If things seem to revert to ‘old habits,’ you may need to reduce the time spent with your parents. However, this doesn’t mean severing all ties with them. Often, parents and children who are too close can inadvertently overstep the boundaries they've set. Try spending less time around your parents and revisit the situation later.

Consider seeing a therapist if the situation doesn’t improve. In some cases, the issue may become serious enough that both you and your parents should consult a therapist to see if the situation can be improved. If both parties have attempted to maintain boundaries without success, consider discussing therapy with your parents.

• You could say, “You’re very important to me, but I think I need help for our relationship to improve. Would you be willing to go with me to see a counselor?”

• Confide in a close friend or a family member about your troubles. Hopefully, they can offer some helpful advice.
• Try talking things over with your parents before distancing yourself from them. The situation might be resolved in a more agreeable way.
• Find a time when your parents are relaxed. Avoid approaching them right after work. You could say, "Mom, Dad, I know you work hard for me, and I really appreciate it, but I'd like to make my own decisions. I feel like a child when you decide everything for me. Could you allow me to make my own choices?" Be prepared that one of them may not agree.

• If you're experiencing abuse and need urgent help, contact your local child protective services.
• Don't assume that every piece of advice from your parents is "controlling." Generally, parents always want what's best for their children, and they do have more life experience than you.