How to Handle Controlling People

Dealing with controlling individuals is challenging. They excel at manipulating situations and isolating you from others. Luckily, being difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible to handle. You must stay calm and avoid reacting impulsively. Next, establish clear personal boundaries to prevent them from pushing you out of your comfort zone again. It’s essential to manage your emotions and prioritize your well-being to avoid being overwhelmed by a controlling person.

Don’t respond to their negative behavior. What controlling individuals seek is your reaction. Whether you resist or criticize, their behavior won’t improve. In fact, if you get angry or respond aggressively, it will escalate. Instead of both parties becoming unnecessarily angry, try to stay composed. For example, if you're living with your boyfriend and a problem arises because you don’t hang the towel in the spot he prefers after showering, speak up assertively but keep the tone calm. You might say, "I understand you prefer the towel to be hung here, but I’d like to place it there because _____. Would you mind if I put it somewhere more convenient for me and leave your spot for you?" However, if the person tries to change the boundaries you’ve set, remain firm and calm. For instance, "We agreed on this last week. Do you remember?".

Try to empathize. While we don't need to excuse someone's bad behavior, it's helpful to at least understand the cause behind it. People who struggle with control often have underlying emotional issues. You'll find the best way to approach them by understanding this. Try to see what they really gain from controlling others.

• For example, if you live with a girlfriend who loves to control things, one day she might notice you left some trash on the kitchen counter because you were on the phone. She might ask, "Why didn't you clean up your mess before taking the call?"
• The mess isn’t the real issue. The root cause is often something deeper, like whether she has controlling parents, anxiety, or if her family places importance on values expressed through certain behaviors. If that’s the case, it likely stems from there.
• Ask yourself why the sequence of actions you took seems so significant to her. This can help you better understand the issue and provide the necessary context. Others might not see the things that are obvious to you.
• For instance, you could say, “Is there something special about needing me to clean up before answering the phone?”
• Or, “I know you don’t like messes. The phone rang suddenly, and I had to take the call. I’ll clean up once I’m done.”

Avoid arguing. Controlling people love to argue. They thrive on drawing others into pointless disputes that seem to go nowhere. They need to feel like they’ve won. By avoiding arguments with them, you deny them that satisfaction.

• Simply refuse to engage in arguments. For example, if your partner is about to start a fight, you might say, "We definitely need to talk about this, but maybe not while we're both angry. Can we discuss it tomorrow night?"
• Over time, you’ll need to address the underlying issues in your relationship and set personal boundaries.

Stay as calm as possible. The one thing you should never do with a controlling person is show frustration or anger. People who are controlling tend to target others’ weaknesses, pushing them down to get what they want. Minimize the emotional responses you show. The more strongly you react, the more they will provoke you.

• Try deep breathing when interacting with a controlling person. While they’re speaking, distract yourself by thinking of something pleasant, like a beautiful beach.
• If you must respond, offer vague answers to buy yourself some time. For example, "I’m not sure about that. Let me think it over."

Remember that you have basic rights. In any given situation, you still have certain rights. Don’t forget about them just because you're dealing with a difficult person. Controlling people have a way of infiltrating your mind, making you forget your basic human rights. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect.

• We all have the right to be treated with respect, to express our personal opinions and beliefs, and to say "no" without feeling guilty.
• Sometimes, we forget these rights when we face a controlling person for an extended period. Before you interact with anyone, remind yourself of those rights. Keep them in mind to establish your personal boundaries.
• For example, if a controlling boyfriend wants you to spend time with him instead of going out with your friends, and one evening you don’t want to stay home watching a movie with him, he will try to make you feel guilty about it. If you’re ready to reinforce your boundaries, think, "I have the right to say no without feeling guilty."

Tell yourself that you’re in control of the situation. Before setting personal boundaries, you need to regain your sense of autonomy. While we can’t control others’ negative behavior, we can control how we respond to them. In terms of establishing boundaries, you have several options:

• Often, many of us choose to smile and endure when dealing with controlling individuals. You can do this to avoid them, such as by avoiding family gatherings when you know your authoritative father will be there.
• Break free from the constraints. Remind yourself, "I control what’s happening here. I don’t want to be confined." Decide to reinforce your freedom and demand respect.

Define your limits clearly. Controlling people often enjoy crossing other people’s boundaries. Let them know where your limits are. Clearly state what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not negotiable.

• Recognize when you’ve reached your limit. For some minor things, like where dishes or dirty clothes are placed, you might agree. However, certain issues could make you uncomfortable.
• Consider actions that go beyond what is reasonable. For instance, you might not mind putting your phone away when you’re on a date with your boyfriend. However, if he insists that you cut off all contact even when you’re just taking a walk around the park near your house, you need to let him know that this is unreasonable.

Set your boundaries firmly. You need to be clear about your personal boundaries. It might be a good idea to write them down and show them to the controlling person. The clearer you make your limits, the better. With a decisive tone, let them know what you can and cannot tolerate moving forward.

• In general, controlling people tend to be very picky. They will try every tactic to ignore or misunderstand your boundaries. So, it’s important to be crystal clear when setting your personal limits.
• If your controlling boyfriend is involved, you could set a boundary by saying, "I won’t turn off my phone most of the time we’re together, because I spend more time at your place than at my own. I’m willing to put my phone away when we’re on a date or watching a movie, but not always. That’s the agreement."

Be assertive when necessary. Controlling individuals won’t easily accept boundaries right away. They will try to push others out of their comfort zones to feel secure. So, you must remind them of your personal rights when needed. Be clear and assertive if your boundaries are violated.

• Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It means respectfully letting them know when they’ve crossed your personal boundaries. Stay calm and remind yourself when an issue arises.
• For example, if you and your boyfriend are watching TV, and your phone gets a message, and you reply, he might get angry. He could say, "You’re so rude. I’m right here."
• Don’t react angrily. Responding with, "What’s wrong with you? I’m just texting" will only escalate the tension. Instead, stay calm and say respectfully, "We’ve talked about this before. Right now, you don’t need me to focus entirely on you, so I have the right to respond to a text. Once I’m done, I’ll get back to watching the show with you."

Avoid setting unrealistic expectations. People who are controlling and critical are often extremely difficult to change. Even after reinforcing personal boundaries, you may find yourself constantly caught in power struggles. The more you expect, the greater the disappointment. We all face issues with controlling individuals, so don’t expect any significant change.

• You can’t change others. Even if you recognize their negative behaviors, a controlling person will only change if they want to. Therefore, when interacting with them, don’t forget to reestablish your boundaries and ignore any hurtful comments.

Remind yourself that this isn’t your problem. A controlling person has their own underlying issues, such as insecurity, which manifests in their need to control others. When dealing with a controlling individual, remind yourself that this has nothing to do with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s simply that this person has an overwhelming need for control.

• If you understand the root cause of their need to control, remind yourself that the problem lies with them, not with you.
• For example, "My grandfather was very strict with my dad, which made my dad lose confidence in his career choices. The issue isn’t with me, it’s with my dad."

Take care of yourself. This is especially important if you have to regularly deal with a controlling person. For instance, if you’re in a relationship or living with someone like this, remind yourself that you need to prioritize self-care. Sometimes, you may prioritize their needs so much that you forget to take care of yourself.

• You have the right to care for yourself. You’re allowed to take time for exercise, eat properly, pursue hobbies, and do things that bring you joy.
• Make time for your personal needs, even if it means going against the wishes of the controlling person. For example, you might need to sleep early because you have an early workday tomorrow. However, your partner wants you to stay up late with him while he sleeps very late. No matter how much he insists, you can go to bed and remind him that you need to wake up early for work.

Limit your interactions. Sometimes, the easiest way to deal with a controlling person is to keep your distance. Find ways to limit your interactions with them. This will make your life much more comfortable.

• If you live with a controlling person, only interact with them during meals and keep your conversations to the essentials.
• If you have a controlling coworker, try to limit your contact with them at work. For instance, keep your communication brief and try to choose projects where you’re not working closely with them.
• If it’s a family member, limit your interactions in daily activities. For example, if you need to take a phone call, keep the conversation as brief as possible.

Walk away if necessary. If a relationship is causing you harm, you should let it go. Some people are too authoritarian and will never change. If they consistently cross your personal boundaries, it’s time to end the relationship. Life is too short to waste time on people who only cause harm and try to control you.