Buzz
Have you ever felt resentment towards someone because they hurt you deeply? Do you ever feel hatred towards someone simply because they are more skilled or successful than you? Resentment is a psychological process that lingers on painful events or failures, leaving you angry or bitter. It can cause you to lose sight of yourself, poison your soul, make it difficult to trust others, rob you of empathy, and prevent you from accepting love in the future. Overcoming resentment means choosing to accept what has happened, forgive the person, and make personal changes so that these emotions no longer negatively affect you.
Steps
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Understand the source and cause of your resentment. Identify your true feelings and the reasons behind them. Strive to understand yourself better. When did you start feeling resentful? Was there an event that triggered your frustration? Is the resentment related to a partner, parents, or family members?
- Recognizing the cause of your resentment helps you find ways to move forward. For example, if you're angry because someone close to you has disappointed or let you down, you can handle it by adjusting your expectations of them. Of course, you cannot change others, so focus on changing yourself or learning to accept what has happened.
- Sometimes the person directly causes your resentment. Other times, they might inadvertently trigger your own insecurities or feelings of inadequacy.
Identify your role in the resentment. Sometimes, we feel hatred towards others because we are disappointed with ourselves for being vulnerable. Internally, we may feel confused or embarrassed for not anticipating the situation. We get angry with ourselves for being careless and trusting the person who hurt us. With this mindset, we end up directing our anger inward.
- There is a quote that goes, "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." You have the choice to move forward or to keep suffering. Recognize your power and don’t place all the blame on others.
Determine whether your feelings are of jealousy or have valid reasons. Desiring or longing for something that someone else possesses, whether superficial or necessary, can lead to feelings of envy. If you resent someone because they have something you desire, it’s not helpful to hate them. You need to understand that your feelings stem from feeling lacking in something, and this realization will help you overcome envy.
- An example of jealousy leading to resentment is when you feel bitter about a colleague’s promotion, while you long for that position. Perhaps you feel you deserve the promotion because of your seniority.
- Overcome jealousy by being honest with yourself and taking action. Did the person really upset you, or is the issue with you? If you believe your abilities deserve recognition, you could proactively discuss other open positions with your manager. Or, if you think you’re more capable than your boss, perhaps it’s time to explore opportunities at another company.
- It’s not that you’re jealous of the person, but rather their personality or abilities. Take a moment to sit down, honestly assess your emotions, and redirect that jealousy towards self-improvement.
Be honest with your emotions. Anger and resentment are powerful emotions. Sometimes, we harm ourselves more by pretending to ignore or deny our feelings. Resentment arises because we view events through the lens of our emotions, leading us to hate or envy the person we believe has wronged us. Acknowledging your feelings will help you heal from your emotional wounds.
- Anger often overshadows other complex or hard-to-express emotions. People show anger because it’s easier for others to see, compared to emotions like rejection, disappointment, envy, confusion, or hurt.
- Give yourself a few minutes to reflect on what happened to you, and feel all the emotions connected to the situation. Be angry if you're frustrated. Acknowledge your pain or shame. Don’t try to push these emotions away. You should truly accept your feelings to move forward.
Talk to a friend or someone you trust. Find someone to talk to and share with them what has been bothering you. Venting to someone else can help you gain a more objective view of the situation. Perhaps others will notice patterns in your behavior that contributed to the situation, and they can support you in finding a solution. It’s always helpful to have someone to talk to.
Write down what the other person did that upset you. Take note of as many details as you can remember, and don’t leave anything out. Once finished, write down the characteristics of the person you resent. Avoid using offensive names for them. Are they selfish, rude, cruel, or impolite? Reflect on their actions and assess the rudeness involved.
- Next, note which behaviors of that person angered you. The purpose of writing it down is not to make you angrier, but to better understand the root cause of your resentment.
- Finally, write about how that behavior and your emotions have impacted your life. For example, if a partner betrayed you, you might feel anger, sadness, and shame. The betrayal may have made it difficult for you to trust or connect with others, fearing they might hurt you too.
Let the person who offended you know how they made you feel. In some cases, when loved ones hurt us, we want to understand them. While understanding why someone hurt you doesn’t make it go away – and sometimes the person doesn’t even realize why they acted that way – having an honest conversation about what happened is a step towards healing the emotional wound.
- Ask the person to meet with you for a conversation. Use "I" statements like "I’m hurt because ____" to express your feelings. Then, without being accusatory, ask if they can explain the situation from their perspective.
- Only confront the person after you’ve gained an objective perspective on the situation, meaning you understand your role and have dealt with your emotions.
- If you want to maintain the relationship, let them know you would appreciate an apology or a specific form of restitution. For example, if your partner made a mistake and you choose to stay with them, set boundaries and expectations for how you want them to behave going forward.
Release feelings of resentment
Stop ruminating. Rumination means repeatedly chewing over an issue, losing touch with the present, and fostering negative emotions. It is the foundation of resentment. To break free from ruminating thoughts, you first need to learn to manage your thinking. Here are three ways to stop ruminating:
- Focus on solutions instead of problems. This forward-thinking approach helps address feelings of resentment effectively. Dwelling on what happened won’t help you. Having a plan to learn from the experience will help you grow. Write down a few ways to resolve the issue, like improving stress management skills or reassessing your expectations of others.
- Critically analyze your situation. Sometimes we hold onto resentment based on misconceptions. The other person might not even realize they’ve done something wrong, or if they did, they might not have meant to hurt you. Look at the situation realistically. Did you expect the other person to read your mind?
- Focus on the positives. If someone hurt you, you might spend a lot of time dwelling on your flaws. Identify your strengths that relate to the situation. For example, if a friend disappointed you, the silver lining might be that you still have other good friends. Maybe one of your strengths is being willing to forgive someone despite their mistakes.
Write down the positive traits of the person who hurt you. Acknowledging the good qualities of the person will help you move on and view the situation more objectively. People make mistakes, and no one is entirely bad. Everyone has redeeming qualities, so look for the positives in that person.
Forgive. Emotional wounds caused by those we love can have a lasting impact. However, if you hold onto resentment, you won’t heal or progress. Choose to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to maintain the relationship, nor does it mean forgetting what happened. Forgiveness means you choose to release your anger and free yourself from negative emotions. It helps you become a better person.
- Forgiveness takes many forms, but its ultimate goal is to release resentment. After processing your emotions about the situation, clearly state that you no longer hold onto resentment. Say, "I forgive you" directly to the person if you wish to continue the relationship.
- Once you’ve written down your account of the event, tear the paper into pieces or burn it. Erase the person’s impact on your life by choosing to forgive and look toward the future.
- Practice self-love. Alongside forgiving others, you also need to be compassionate with yourself. Be kind to yourself the way you’ve been forgiving of others. You deserve love.
- Tell yourself that you forgive yourself and practice self-love. You can stand in front of a mirror and say, "I love you," "I’m only human," "I’m getting better," or "I’m good enough."
Seek spiritual understanding. If you are someone who believes in the goodness of life, try to find meaning in the experiences you've gone through. Could this issue have arisen to help you acknowledge other beautiful things in life? Could your difficult situation serve as inspiration or encouragement for others? Furthermore, depending on your beliefs, harboring hatred towards others can negatively impact your mental health. Consider praying, meditating, or talking with a counselor to release any lingering resentment.
Consult a professional. If you're struggling to forgive and move past the resentment in order to look forward, it might be time to seek help from a mental health professional. Holding on to hate and bitterness can affect your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. You could ask for therapy methods to manage anger or cognitive behavioral therapy to help you stop overthinking.
Warning
- Never plan revenge or wish harm on someone just because you've been hurt. Remember, evil cannot overcome evil, only goodness can restore humanity. Do not hold on to pain and suffering.
