How to Handle Jealous Individuals

Dealing with jealousy is certainly challenging, especially when it involves a relationship you want to preserve, or when the person is an important part of your life, like a family member or colleague. Learn how to handle jealous people, and you’ll be able to foster healthier relationships. If a loved one tends to show jealous behaviors, you can spend time with them to address the issue and work towards building trust between both parties.

Don’t worry if someone says or does something unpleasant to you. Jealousy causes people to think negatively and distort their view of themselves and their relationships. A jealous person may assume that everything you say or do is directed at them, even if that’s not your intention. For instance, when you go out with a friend, and after a long day, you feel tired and need to go home early, they might think it means you don’t enjoy their company.

• Don’t react defensively to their negativity. Try to keep a relaxed perspective on the situation. For example, you could say, “I’m not yawning because I don’t enjoy hanging out with you. I’m tired because I had to wake up at five this morning for a work meeting.”

Be mindful if the person seems to only focus on the positives and ignores the challenges in your life. Some people feel jealous because they fail to understand the complexities of others' lives – they are often trapped in their own insecurities.

• If you notice that the person gets upset whenever someone mentions how lucky you are, remind them that your life has more sides that they may not know about.
• You may not be able to change the viewpoint of a jealous person, but you can start sharing the difficulties and challenges you face. For example, you might say, “When we went camping, I got so lost I almost decided to head home the next day.”

Ask yourself whether the person feels anxious or insecure in their relationship with you. Some people suffer from jealousy because they fear you might leave them. This fear may cause them to see others as a threat.

• For instance, a jealous person might sarcastically comment on how great your relationship is with someone else. This happens because they feel disconnected from you, which triggers their jealousy. Sadly, the good relationships you have with others make them feel threatened, even if you don’t feel that way or make any comparisons.

Understand that social media can exacerbate the issue. Platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and others often present people's lives as perfect. People typically post images and stories of their happiest moments, overlooking the struggles and worries they face. For some, this creates intense feelings of jealousy. With this skewed perception, they might think they know you and your life, even though they don’t.

• Consider adjusting your privacy settings if you feel like social media is causing issues for you.

Learn how to distance yourself from jealous people. If you know what triggers their jealousy, you can improve the situation by adjusting your behavior.

• If the person feels jealous when they hear you have a new boyfriend, avoid talking about him when they're around. Don’t let them see your pictures with him on social media, and don’t arrange meetings with both your boyfriend and the jealous friend.
• However, you should also try to find a solution that helps them feel more comfortable with your new relationship, rather than just hiding it.
• Sometimes, the best solution is to maintain some distance. If you do meet, keep your conversation short and to the point. You could say something positive, like, “I heard you did a great job at the sales presentation. Keep up the good work!”

Express your feelings to the person. When talking to someone who shows signs of jealousy, it’s important to use “I” statements to describe your feelings. Start with “I feel” and then explain your emotions in relation to their specific words or actions.

• For example, you could say, “I feel upset when you say negative things about my other friends because it seems like you want to be my only friend.”
• Don’t alter or change the meaning of “I feel” to the point where it no longer reflects your emotions. For example, avoid saying “I feel you…” or “You make me feel…,” as these imply that your feelings are the result of their actions. For example, “You always make me feel uncomfortable” is vague and indirectly blames the other person for your emotions.
• You can use words like pressured, anxious, uneasy, stressed, fearful, confused, frustrated, insecure, empty, furious, irritated, etc. to convey your feelings.

Describe the behavior that frustrates you. Focus only on the actions you observe, not on what you believe to be their motives. This is the best approach as it allows you to express your feelings accurately without blaming the other person.

• For example, if the person repeatedly says that you are their best friend in an attempt to make you say the same, you could say, “I feel pressured to say you’re my best friend because you’ve mentioned it so many times in one evening.” Avoid saying, “You’re forcing me to say you’re my best friend.”
• Avoid labeling, overgeneralizing, threatening, lecturing, issuing ultimatums, reading their mind, or jumping to conclusions with weak evidence when talking about their behavior. For example, don’t say, “I feel uncomfortable because you’re trying to force me to call you my best friend.” That’s mind-reading, and it implies that you know exactly what the other person is thinking.
• When you talk about their behavior based on specific actions, they are likely to be less angry and defensive when you approach them with your observations instead of conclusions, which is common in confrontations.

Explain how their actions affect you or how you interpret their behavior. Provide reasoning for why you feel this way. Reflect on your own understanding, memories, and emotions in the context of friendship or any relationship tied to jealousy.

• For instance, you could explain your feelings by saying, “I feel anxious when you ask if I’m going out with other friends because I fear that if I say yes, you might get upset.”
• You can also describe how you interpret their actions. For example, “I feel uneasy when you ask again if I’m going out with my other friends because it makes me feel like you don’t trust our friendship.”
• Avoid blaming them for your emotions in your explanation. For example, don’t say, “I feel pressured to respond because you’re always jealous.”

Distinguish between abusive relationships and jealousy. The following warning signs may indicate you are in an abusive relationship. If the person isolates you, controls you, or displays extreme jealousy, seek help.

• If the person doesn’t let you go out because they fear you’ll meet someone else.
• If they frequently show hostility toward your friends or family because they want your full attention.
• If they constantly monitor or track your actions.
• If they regularly interrogate you about your activities.
• If they check your phone, websites you visit, or your emails.
• If you’re unsure whether you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, you can call the helpline at 1800 1567 (a counseling and support service for children by the Child Protection Department, Ministry of Labor, Invalids, and Social Affairs, with support from Plan International in Vietnam), or (84-4) 37.280.936 (Women’s and Development Center). These hotlines are free and confidential, and they can help you determine if you are being abused.

Ask your partner to sit down and talk with you. Inquire where and when would be a convenient time for them to have a conversation. If possible, suggest a quiet and comfortable place where you can talk without interruptions. Find a location where you both can sit facing each other comfortably.

• Make sure to silence or turn off distracting devices such as the TV, mobile phones, laptops, tablets, etc.

Be honest about your feelings with your partner. You should also use “I” statements. Describe the behaviors that bother you and how they make you feel.

• When you use “I” statements to talk about specific actions that demonstrate jealousy, make sure to mention when you started noticing such behaviors and what these behaviors mean for your relationship. For example, you could say, “Since my ex was very jealous, I feel tense and uneasy when you ask who I’m with.”

Focus on explaining your perspective clearly. When explaining why you feel a certain way, talk about your memories, expectations, beliefs, hopes, and interpretations of the situation. Use phrases like “I imagined that…,” “I understand that…,” or “I want to…” to express your thoughts clearly to your partner.

• For example, “I want you to let me know in advance when you’re coming over because it feels like you don’t trust me when you show up unexpectedly.” Avoid blaming your partner for your feelings. For instance, don’t say, “I feel trapped because of your jealousy.”

Work together to address trust issues. This means both partners need to actively build trust in the relationship. Tackle each specific issue together. Discuss what you both expect from each other’s reactions. Then, you can come up with tasks that each of you can do to improve the situation and maintain positivity.

• For example, a positive solution could be, “You will look me in the eye for a few seconds when talking to another woman so that I know you love me.” Avoid making unreasonable or unrealistic demands. For example, saying “I wish you wouldn’t talk to other women” is not a good way to handle the situation. Solutions should be practical and achievable.

Practice communication skills with your partner. When discussing jealousy or relationship issues, try using simple techniques to build respect and affection in your communication.

• Use short, clear statements and show understanding of your partner’s feelings. In the end, make sure to respond in a way that lets your partner know you care about what they are saying.
• You can express empathy by saying, “I’m glad you’re being open and sharing your feelings with me. I know this is a difficult topic to talk about.”
• You can demonstrate understanding by repeating what your partner has just said. For example, if your partner says she feels scared and jealous when you talk to your ex, you could respond, “You’re saying that you’re uncomfortable with me maintaining a friendship with my ex, so I’m thinking about what I can do to make you feel more at ease.”

• Try to remain as calm as possible when discussing this sensitive topic. Maintain a steady and soft tone of voice. If you don’t, the other person may feel attacked and become defensive.