How to handle online harm

In most situations, the Internet is an incredible knowledge hub where we can learn, share, and connect with people worldwide. However, new opportunities also bring risks, such as facing rejection, being offended, and unwanted interactions with individuals whom we can only attempt to limit. Some aspects of dealing with online harm differ from addressing similar issues in real life, while others are quite similar. Below are some strategies to cope with harm resulting from being unfriended, online slander, and cyberbullying.

Acknowledge your feelings. Just because rejection happened online doesn’t mean you won’t feel deeply hurt when being ignored, dumped, or abandoned. Rejection is painful – it strikes at the core of our basic need for connection and recognition.

• Understanding how you feel when rejected will help you start to gradually let go of those feelings, creating the necessary emotional distance to heal. What this means is allowing yourself to feel the hurt – to recognize what rejection feels like – so you can gauge when you've moved past it.
• Feeling your emotions also aids in recovery. The next time you show interest in someone’s profile online and begin dating, you will no longer harbor resentment or a sense of failure from previous rejections.

Take a Break, Step Away from the Situation. Distancing yourself from the problem can help you gain a clearer perspective on what actually happened. Take time to reflect on your actions that may have led to rejection or being unfriended. Constantly being online can cause harm and prevent you from creating the necessary space to recognize certain online habits that might be bothering others, such as rude comments or excessive posting.

• For example, some people are great in real life; they smile, joke, and maintain eye contact. However, these same individuals may struggle to communicate effectively online, where their posts come across as cold or distant. Taking time to reflect on how you present yourself online can be beneficial and help you become aware of aspects of your behavior.
• Try taking a week off from social media, or even disconnect entirely from the Internet, to give yourself some space to reflect and think. Especially if your relationship exists only online, it’s important to allow yourself time before forming a new connection on the same dating platform.

Understand the Concept of Distinction. The great thing about friends and followers online is that there are so many of them—you don’t need to be tied to any one person or platform. The key is to realize that if someone unfriends, rejects, or ignores you online, there are plenty of other people to connect with. You also need to accept that sometimes you and another person simply won’t get along.

• Consider, but don’t cling too tightly to others’ personalities even if they seem unpleasant, as this will allow you to move forward. This way, you won’t be tempted to continue pursuing someone or questioning their rejection, and you’ll be able to move on comfortably.

Resist the Urge to Think in One Direction. When someone rejects you, it’s not necessarily because of anything you could have done differently. Often, it’s because the other person is reacting to something you did that made them feel threatened.

• For example, if you were rejected on a dating site, it could be because many people are unaware of relationship patterns and unconsciously search for someone who fits that ideal. In many cases, the issue isn’t your preparedness for a relationship, but rather the compatibility between you and the other person.

Seek Support from Friends and Family. If your distress is stemming from online interactions, a good approach is to shift your focus to your offline social life. Decide that you need to make an effort to date and meet people in person while navigating through online rejection. This will help you realize that the person you interact with online is just one of many important connections in your real life.

• If possible, try to reduce your online time. By using your time to share experiences and go out, you’ll be less likely to obsess over the situation. This is similar to traveling when you’re facing a troubling situation close to home.

Take time to consider your next steps. Make sure you do not respond publicly to the insult until you’ve taken some time to calm down first. Take a deep breath. Since you can't convey your tone and gestures online, the best course of action is to carefully think about your word choice before posting anything.

Gather evidence. Evaluate the insult, the person who targeted you, and the situation so you can decide whether to respond (or ignore) the offensive remark to restore your honor and dignity. Consider the following points:

• Did the person seem to threaten you?
• Will this insult affect your relationships with others online—does it shed light on any current issues?
• Is this someone you’ve never met in real life?
• How do you feel about continuing to be a member of this website or online community?
• Have you received a harsh, rude, or vengeful response related to your actions on the site?
• Also, consider your own role: Did you inadvertently or intentionally contribute to escalating the conflict with this person?

Decide whether to respond or ignore the insult. Sometimes ignoring an insult is the best response. This is often the case when the offense is minor and clearly due to a misunderstanding. A response is only appropriate if it is necessary to control the impact on your reputation, not just to defend yourself. Remember, responding could provoke the person who insulted you even further, and the conflict could damage your online reputation more than the original insult.

• For instance, if the insult is a response to your comment on the issue of oil drilling in the Arctic, and they say, "**** you, you ******* freak against society," you might choose to ignore it.
• If you do decide to respond, keep it short. Countering the insult with a calm and thoughtful reply will show you care about the issue discussed and, in turn, highlight their pettiness. You could respond by saying, "I’m disappointed that my efforts to clarify this social issue didn’t have an impact."
• After offering a brief public reply, you can then decide if you wish to continue the conversation with the person who insulted you. You could say, "I can’t respond appropriately when I’m being openly insulted in front of others. Why don’t we find another private way to talk?" From there, you can proceed with a dialogue, and choose whether or not to revisit the original insult.

Report the violation and cyberbullying. Social media platforms like Facebook have reporting buttons to block users who insult others and to remove or set privacy settings for content you don’t want publicly visible. Twitter also offers a form to report cyberbullying and provides details about the individual and their actions.

Choose websites to connect with wisely. Understand that there are many steps you can take to protect yourself from future insults. People tend to use insults and hurtful language when someone does the same to them. Therefore, if you notice an online community or a series of posts filled with rude or hostile comments, avoid engaging.

• One strategy is to avoid becoming overly attached to any one website. Forums, personal blogs, and websites can be great meeting places. However, abuse can escalate if you feel forced to commit to one site, particularly when it becomes a threat. By connecting with various online communities, you’ll become less attached to any particular group and can freely explore new websites to join.

Assess the aggressor. Are you unsure whether your experience qualifies as Cyberbullying? If you’re feeling harmed by someone constantly bothering you, contacting your friends, or posting negative things about you on websites or social media, it’s likely you’re experiencing Internet bullying.

• A clear case of cyberbullying is receiving five or more messages daily from the same person, filled with racial or gender-based insults.
• The bully might be someone you know well in real life. In this case, the harassment could involve embarrassing comments about your appearance, social standing, family, or your status.

Understand your emotions. The impact of being threatened, insulted, or harassed online can leave you feeling panicked and frustrated, much like the experience of having your home broken into or being threatened. Although the person isn’t physically present or directly harming you, it doesn’t mean the stress they cause is any less significant than real-world trauma. Acknowledging the emotional toll of Internet violence will help you express yourself more effectively and seek the help you need.

• Cyberbullies often exhibit more emotional instability and tend to attack others more aggressively compared to their peers who don’t engage in online violence. Many people who threaten others online don’t even realize the impact they have on their victims. If you tend to take these attacks personally, remember that cyberbullying is a maladaptive behavior used to seek attention and assert dominance. There are many reasons not to internalize these insults.

Ignore the provocateur. Choosing to ignore a bully is a challenging but effective strategy, much like avoiding a real-life bully. When you receive rude or harassing messages, try to distract yourself from what’s happening by focusing on something unrelated to your phone or computer.

• Remember, there is no shame in not responding—you truly don’t have to acknowledge them or justify yourself. Responding might make you feel strong and confident at the moment, but it also provokes the bully to escalate their behavior—this time with even more severe retaliation.
• The most effective way to ignore an online bully is to block that user through the website. Most social media platforms allow you to do this.

Report the person who keeps insulting you. On online communities, these troublemakers are often blocked by website administrators or forum managers. However, if you discover cyberbullies or are a direct victim of their actions, raise the alarm to protect yourself and others. Network admins usually won’t intervene unless they are made aware of the issue.

• If the harassment goes beyond one website (for instance, if they contact you via email), report this case to the appropriate authorities. Pay attention to the bully’s Internet Service Provider (ISP) as they may be able to block the user’s access.
• If the issue mainly occurs in online chat rooms, notify the server manager. Messaging services often have harassment policies that explain what to do if conflicts arise with another user.
• If you’re being threatened, contact the police. Be sure to document as many contact details from the bully as possible for evidence.

Understand your legal rights. Cyberbullying often involves using electronic communication technology to harass and intimidate young students. Many countries have enacted laws to address this issue. This list outlines the legal framework for cyberbullying in each country. Cyberstalking and online harassment, which are significant problems among adults, are also considered illegal in many countries. This means that it's crucial to understand how the law allows you to handle situations when you fall victim to cyberbullying.

• Reporting cyberbullying is encouraged, even if your country doesn’t have specific laws addressing electronic communication harassment or online attacks.
• Although cyberbullying is often perpetrated by someone the victim knows personally, the law varies if the person lives in a different part of the country. Since cyberbullying raises complex jurisdictional issues, solutions are often tailored to individual cases.
• Whether you can sue someone for defamation due to cyberbullying depends on the situation, as the definition of defamation is often vague. This website can help you determine whether pursuing legal action is feasible in your case.

Take a break from social media. Taking time to distract yourself with real-life events and activities can provide the comfort you need to move past the issue. Increasing direct social support has been shown to help cyberbullying victims recover from depression more effectively than responding with ‘retaliation’ tactics.

• For a helpful perspective, avoid obsessing over the hurtful messages or posts. Move the messages to a separate location or delete the ones that harm you immediately so you're not tempted to revisit them. If the message is a genuine threat, remember not to delete it, as it might serve as evidence if you pursue legal action against the bully.

Consider therapy. Cyberbullying often involves humiliation, defamation, and the violation of personal boundaries. For these reasons, counseling can be an excellent way to deal with emotional pain and anxiety caused by prolonged harassment and attacks. Meeting with a specialist offers you the opportunity to learn cognitive and behavioral strategies to address the root causes of online violence.

• Spend more time carefully choosing websites where the online community actively fosters a friendly and supportive environment, while steering clear of threats or provocative behavior. Make the website you belong to a place where members consistently support one another and help establish appropriate policies and guidelines.