How to Handle Someone Yelling at You

Being yelled at is never a pleasant experience. When someone raises their voice at you, your natural response may be to feel intimidated, threatened, and belittled. However, the key to dealing with being yelled at is recognizing the failure in the other person's communication. Luckily, the person who is losing control is not you, and that means you can take steps to control your emotions and find more effective ways to engage in the situation.

Resist the urge to yell back. The less you react to the provocation, the more likely you are to use your judgment to handle the situation better. When feeling challenged or frustrated by someone, take a deep breath and count slowly to 10 before responding or acting in ways you might later regret. This includes avoiding any form of retaliation or defense. Yelling back is just a passive reaction rather than an active one. Criticizing the person yelling or challenging what they say will only escalate their emotions. Additionally, it's hard to think clearly when you're being yelled at because you are put into a state of fear.

Consider your options. Being yelled at doesn’t mean you’re entirely stuck in that situation. This applies in many scenarios, whether it’s a stranger losing their temper in line, your boss, or a loved one. Take a few seconds to detach from the moment and think about whether you should endure it or not.

• You might decide to endure it because reacting could cost you your job, but you might also want to choose another route if the yelling is likely to happen again, or if the person isn't important enough for you to tolerate it.
• Research shows that yelling is ineffective and harmful, even if it's considered 'tough love'. Regardless of the intention, this approach is never acceptable, and it's even more damaging in the long run.

Avoid reinforcing yelling behavior. Yelling signifies a failure to find a better way to address the situation, resorting to this aggressive tactic. If you go along with what the person wants, you're essentially accepting that communication style.

• If you find yourself mentally searching for flaws in their argument and resisting it internally, allow yourself to do so. It may be a way to remind yourself that you have control over the situation. However, be cautious not to get too lost in your thoughts and lose sight of the bigger picture.

Distract yourself. Allow yourself a break from the current situation to ensure that you don’t take it personally. The best way to do this without losing focus is to empathize with the person yelling. Observe the distress and tension on their face. Instead of listening to their words, focus on the desperation and frustration they’re displaying.

• Remember, you're not accepting their behavior. You're just trying to understand their emotional state when you respond.
• Make amends in a way that feels natural, but avoid being overly dramatic or insincerely peaceful. This could backfire and cause the person to perceive your actions as mockery or condescension. A good way to make peace is to genuinely express surprise at their behavior. This way, you show you're taken aback, implying that yelling is disruptive.

Consider taking a moment to calm down. If the situation allows, try to remain as calm as possible and ask the person for a few minutes to collect yourself before reacting to their outburst. Simply express that the yelling is too much for you to handle, and you’d prefer to talk after five minutes to regain your composure. This not only gives you space, but it also provides them with a space they may not realize they need.

• This helps reduce the risk of the conversation escalating into a heated argument. By suggesting this, you're also making it clear to the person that they have triggered your strong reaction, just as they intended.

Talk about the behavior of the person who yelled. Let them know how their yelling affected you. Be sure to include specific observations of the situation (e.g., "I found it hard to focus on what you were saying because your voice was too loud."). You should also express your feelings during the incident (e.g., "I felt scared and confused when I was yelled at.")

• For example, your partner yells at you for forgetting the tickets to a concert. Once they stop, you might say you felt frightened and tense. You could also mention that passersby gave you looks of surprise or pity. This could make your partner realize that you have feelings too, not just them.
• In another case, your boss might yell at you for a mistake in sending an invoice. You could tell them that you felt hurt and frightened when they raised their voice louder than usual, and it made it harder for you to focus on the work because you were trying to protect yourself.

Ask them to stop yelling. Once you’ve shared how their yelling negatively impacted you, you’re completely justified in asking them not to do it again. To avoid escalating anger, say something like, "I find it hard to understand when you're yelling, but I do care about what you're saying. Could you address the issue in a normal tone like we're talking now?"

• When making the request, be specific about what you want. While it's commonly understood that speaking softly is better than yelling, you still need to make it clear how you'd like the conversation to go. For example, don’t say things like, "Why can't you just talk normally?"
• If you believe the person yelling is overly sensitive or might interpret your request as a personal attack, consider adding something positive. Mention their contributions and remind them how much you appreciate their enthusiasm.

Speak in a calm, low voice. A calm and measured voice is an excellent way to shift the dynamic of the interaction. The person yelling will likely lower their volume to match yours, recognizing the stark contrast with your voice. Another benefit is that they will have to work harder to hear you, which also means they’re beginning to shift. This helps redirect the focus from anger and tension to the content of what you're saying.

Decide if you want to reconcile. After taking steps to calm things down, you now have the choice to either make peace or simply walk away. When making this decision, consider your relationship with the person, when you might encounter them again, and how much time you typically need to recover from an uncomfortable situation.

• If the person who yelled at you is someone you can’t or don’t want to sever ties with, you can reconcile by remembering where the yelling came from. After all, yelling is usually a manifestation of strong emotions or concern about something.
• If you choose to walk away, keep in mind that another tense encounter might arise the next time you meet that person.

Understand your rights. Knowing your rights in situations like these is crucial. Boost your confidence and ease the fear of being yelled at by considering your rights in your mind. For example, you always have the right to be treated with respect and to have personal space.

• In the workplace, your right to work in an orderly environment free from threats can be overshadowed by your position or the expectation to maintain a 'proper' demeanor. However, no matter how much more power your boss has in the company, you always have the right to resist in situations where your rights are at risk. If yelling happens frequently, you can consult the HR department or employee handbooks on policies for resolving conflicts between staff members.
• If your partner yells at you, you may be inclined to think that it's just out of love or their desire to maintain the relationship. But consider whether this behavior is a recurring pattern in the relationship you're trying to preserve. You have the right to express your needs, and being free from threats or manipulation is a fundamental right.

Cutting off contact. If the person continues to yell at you despite your attempts to explain how harmful their behavior is, it may be best to cut off contact for your own protection. Depending on your relationship with this person, you might avoid face-to-face encounters and send a brief email stating that you no longer wish to communicate with them. You have the right to set boundaries.

Seeking external help. Is the person yelling at you seemingly unable to calm down? Are you concerned that their behavior might threaten your livelihood? If you feel the situation is escalating to a genuinely dangerous point, do not hesitate to call a hotline service. In urgent situations, call 113 (the rapid response police force).

• If the yelling occurs in a domestic setting, aside from calling 113, you can contact the hotline at 1800 1567 for assistance.