How to Handle Toxic People

Look for the key signs of toxic behavior. Toxicity can reveal itself in various ways. It’s possible that your friend is toxic without you realizing it. Here are a few signs to watch out for when identifying toxic individuals:

• They constantly create and obsess over problems with others.
• They try to manipulate and control you.
• They are needy and demand your attention.
• They often criticize themselves and others.
• They are unwilling to seek help or make efforts to change.
• They show extreme disrespect and always seem to want things done their way.

Be Cautious Around People Who Are Frequently Angry. Another form of toxicity is constant irritability. These individuals are challenging to be around, often becoming upset over trivial matters. You may feel like you need to tread lightly to prevent triggering their anger. It’s essential to identify the traits of an angry person so that you can respond appropriately. Here are a few signs to look for in an angry person:

• They yell at others.
• They make threats.
• They ask hostile, accusatory questions.
• They use harsh, intense language regularly.

Be Cautious Around People Who Are Always Pessimistic and Disappointing. Another toxic personality trait is pessimism. These individuals consistently see the world negatively, and their viewpoint permeates all areas of their life. They struggle to be optimistic and are hard to be around because of their constant negativity. Pessimistic people tend to:

• Constantly complain about their life.
• Never appreciate the way you treat them.
• Fail to contribute anything positive to the relationship.
• Always have a negative, unjustified view of others.

Evaluate Your Feelings When You’re Around Other People. A useful way to determine if someone is toxic is by paying attention to how you feel when you’re with them. You can ‘check in’ with yourself at various points while you're around these individuals. Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I feeling drained right now? Is this person emotionally exhausting me?
• Am I trying to avoid angering them? Am I afraid of saying something wrong that will cause a negative reaction?
• Am I ignoring my inner voice? Is this person making it difficult for me to listen to myself and follow my own values?
• Do I feel insignificant and unimportant when I’m around them?

Ask for Another Person's Opinion. You may be too close to the person to determine if they’re genuinely toxic. Perhaps they’re just going through a tough phase. It might help to get the perspective of another friend or someone with good judgment to see if they believe this person is toxic. This method can help you become more aware of toxic people in your life.

• Your judgment is a valuable source of insight, but sometimes, when we're too close to a situation, it's hard to view it objectively.

Express Yourself Effectively. Tension is common in friendships and romantic relationships, so it’s important to clearly communicate your emotions. By taking responsibility and being mindful of how you feel, you can handle stress more smoothly. Additionally, having an emotionally driven conversation gives the other person an opportunity to express their own feelings, helping both of you work through any differences.

• Start by listening. Make sure you understand what the other person is saying before you respond with your own perspective.
• Use 'I' statements. A simple way to avoid confrontation is to express what you're experiencing rather than accusing the other person of wrongdoing. For example, you might say, 'When you're late for our coffee date, I feel like you don’t value my time,' instead of 'You’re always late, and that’s rude.'

Let Them Know How You Expect to Be Treated. This might sound strange, but sometimes people don’t realize what behaviors are acceptable. What one person finds acceptable might be off-putting to another. To help others understand the treatment you expect, be clear and straightforward.

• For instance, if being late to a coffee date bothers you, let them know. They may not realize the impact their behavior has on you.
• If the person is truly toxic, this tactic may not work, but it’s still a good method for setting boundaries in any situation.

Speak Firmly and Assertively. This approach is often associated with effective arguing, but being assertive in your communication is something you can practice regularly, whether or not you're in a conflict. Becoming an assertive communicator will improve both your communication skills and your relationships.

• Try to identify areas where you can improve. Maybe you're easily intimidated, and others tend to take advantage of you, especially if they have a toxic personality. Recognizing these areas is the first step.
• Consider strategies for specific situations. Perhaps a toxic friend has asked to borrow money, and you’re struggling to say no. What can you do? Can you practice a simple response for future situations when they ask for money again? For example, you could say, 'I care about you, but I can’t lend you any more money.'
• Practice being assertive in everyday life. You might try techniques like the 'broken record' method, where you calmly repeat your statement if the other person continues to argue with you. Start small if it feels challenging—like saying 'no' to a non-toxic friend or family member.

Protect Yourself from Harm. You need to be aware of the issues that arise in your relationship with a toxic person. For example, don’t accept everything they say if you know they tend to be harsh or critical. If you choose to maintain a relationship with this person, it’s important to protect yourself by developing awareness of their words, actions, and the emotions they provoke in you.

• For example, if they say something like, 'You’re never there for me,' analyze what they said. Is it true? Can you think of examples to show it’s not? Toxic people often make exaggerated or all-or-nothing statements. You need to think carefully about what they say to you.

Apologize When Appropriate. Even if someone is toxic, that doesn’t mean you're always right and they’re always wrong. You should own up to your mistakes and apologize when you feel it’s necessary. Even if they don’t accept your apology or rarely apologize themselves, at least you’ll know you tried to be a good friend or partner.

• You can also leave a positive impression on them. This strategy is called 'modeling'—showing them a healthier way of behaving than they typically do.

Set and Maintain Boundaries. Generally, boundaries are crucial, but they become even more significant when dealing with toxic individuals. Toxic people often take advantage of those who have unclear or weak boundaries. Here are some strategies to help you maintain stronger boundaries:

• Be aware of and act according to your feelings. Avoid getting caught up in the chaotic emotions of toxic people. Focus on your own feelings and needs.
• Allow yourself to be firm. Many people feel guilty about setting strict boundaries, but taking care of yourself is essential. Don’t ignore your own needs for the sake of others. Saying 'no' doesn’t make you a bad person.

Listen to Your Intuition. Some people tend to rationalize or excuse the behavior of toxic individuals. Deep down, you know that this person isn’t treating you well or may be exploiting you. Don’t overanalyze your intuition or defend their actions. Let your gut feeling provide the final judgment, as it understands the situation and your needs better than you may realize.

Seek Support. Learn to recognize when enough is enough and when you need help. Reach out to close friends or trusted family members for support. If you want to maintain a relationship with the toxic person, ensure that you’re using your support system effectively. Prioritize your own self-care. Sacrificing too much for others is not the best way to help them.

Take Responsibility for Your Actions. Make an honest assessment of the type of relationship you have and how it’s affecting you. Many people who continue friendships with toxic individuals tend to be 'people pleasers,' meaning they seek approval and want to feel like they’re helping others. While helping others is not wrong, you need to understand the dynamics at play to develop a clearer picture of the situation. If this relationship is hurting you, you need to recognize it. If it’s enabling the other person’s behavior or preventing them from changing, you need to acknowledge that too. Ask yourself the following questions to determine whether you’re over-supporting:

• Am I the one always trying to keep in touch?
• Do I often play the 'mediator,' trying to resolve difficult or tense situations?
• Do I sometimes feel like I’m following this person’s lead, managing responsibilities, or helping behind the scenes to avoid upsetting them or facing conflict?

Turn Away and Walk Away. Ultimately, you may need to end a relationship with someone if it's toxic. Removing this person from your life can be a painful experience, but in the case of a toxic individual, the short-term pain will be healthier than enduring prolonged suffering. Allowing a toxic person to remain in your life will impact your self-esteem, finances, emotional balance, and other relationships. If the cost is too high, it might be time to plan your escape.

• Respond to hostility with empathy. This exemplary behavior will help you feel more positive about yourself.

• Avoid engaging in their games. If you feel you're being dragged into one, take a step back and assess your role in the situation.