How to Help a Friend Overcome Emotional Pain

When you learn that a friend has gone through a painful breakup, lost someone close, or is facing other struggles, you might wish there was something you could do. Emotional pain can't be erased by words or actions, but you can still be there for them and offer plenty of support. In any situation, be a good friend and help heal their wounded heart.

Encourage Them to Express Their Emotions. To get through difficult times, your friend needs to confront their feelings. Encourage them to express their pain. Remind them that denying the truth or ignoring their emotions won't make them feel better.

• Let them know that crying is not wrong. Tears can heal wounds!
• If it seems like your friend is retreating or hiding their emotions, explain that doing so will only make the pain harder to overcome.
• Grief often includes sadness, shock, regret, and numbness. Don’t worry too much if your friend goes through these stages.
• Everyone experiences grief differently, so don't judge their process. However, if their pain seems to numb them and they aren't getting better, consider suggesting they see a therapist for help.
• If the person your friend lost was a loved one, helping plan a memorial service could be helpful.

Listen. Sharing your emotions can help heal pain, so let your friend know you're always there to listen whenever they need. Be an attentive listener, allowing them to express their feelings as much as they wish.

• Remember to tell them you’re available to listen. They may want to talk but feel concerned about bothering you.
• Reach out as soon as you hear the news, letting them know you're thinking of them. Also, don’t take it personally if they aren’t ready to speak just yet.
• Unless asked, avoid offering advice. They might just need someone to confide in.
• If they prefer not to talk, encourage them to write their thoughts down in a journal.
• It's okay to ask about what happened, especially if you're close friends. It helps you understand what they’re going through and how you can best support them.

Be Empathetic. Show your friend that you care about their feelings and want to help them through this tough period. Instead of judging, simply acknowledge their pain and express your sympathy.

• Offer a simple expression of condolence like: 'I’m so sorry for your loss.'
• If they've recently broken up, don’t feel compelled to criticize the other person to make them feel better. Rather than saying, 'He’s a jerk, and you’re better off without him,' simply acknowledge their grief by saying, 'Losing someone you care about must be incredibly hard.'
• Pointing out the silver lining isn’t always helpful. Instead of saying, 'Everything happens for a reason,' just say, 'I’m truly sorry for what you're going through. Is there anything I can do to help?'
• Don’t tell them that everything happens for a reason; doing so might trivialize their pain.

Be Considerate of Their Situation. Pain might linger, so don’t expect your friend to feel better in just one or two days. Regularly check in and ask how they’re feeling. Always remind them you’re there and ready to help when needed.

• Don’t wait for them to reach out first. They may need you but lack the courage to ask for help.
• Call or text to let them know you’re thinking of them. Depending on your closeness, you might want to do this daily or every few days until they feel better.
• Call at an appropriate time, especially if they’ve just lost a loved one. Don’t call during the funeral, but check in later in the evening or the next day to see how they’re doing.
• When you check in, remind them that you're always there to talk if they want to.

Help with the Little Things. If their mood is so low that they’re neglecting daily tasks, offer to help. This could include bringing over supplies, food, or helping with household chores.

• If they turn down your offer, reassure them that it's still available whenever they need it.
• If you’re close friends, consider surprising them with something unexpected, like ordering pizza for them.
• Invite them over for a home-cooked dinner. It will help nourish their body and get them out of the house, which might do them some good.

Don’t Rush Them. It’s great that you want to help, but what you can do is limited. Give them the space to grieve in their own way and allow them the time they need to heal. Don’t expect them to recover right away or force them to get over the pain.

• Remember, during this period, they might act a bit selfishly and may not seem like your usual friend. Be patient with them. When it’s over, they’ll return to their normal selves.
• Be patient and take small steps to encourage them to become more active. If they aren’t comfortable with socializing, ask if they want to stay in and watch a movie together instead.

Remind Them of Their Strength. Right now, they might not feel great about themselves, so reminding them of how strong and amazing they are can be incredibly helpful. Talk about the qualities you admire in them, and let them know these qualities are exactly what they need to get through this tough time.

• Consider making a list of their best qualities. These are the traits they need to feel better.
• Provide specific examples of why you believe they are strong. Remind them of past struggles they've overcome and how proud you are of the way they handled them.

Help Them Become Independent. If they've always done everything with someone who is no longer part of their life, like an ex, they might feel like they need someone else to continue living. Help them see that they can have a fulfilling life without that person by encouraging them to do things on their own or with friends.

• This could involve helping them find new hobbies—activities that don’t remind them of their ex—or even meeting new people. If most of the people they spend time with are mutual friends of their ex, try introducing them to a few new friends who don’t know their ex.
• If they have any interests or activities they used to enjoy, encourage them to engage in those. This will help take their mind off the constant thoughts about the broken relationship.

Engage in Activities Together. Physical activity has a great mental health benefit and will help them cope with their pain. Any form of exercise, from organized sports to simple play, will be beneficial.

• Consider inviting them to a fitness class with you.
• If you can’t get them to participate in any activity, see if they’d be willing to go for a walk with you.

Encourage Them to Seek Professional Support. If your friend is in crisis and struggling to cope with their pain, encourage them to consult a therapist. Professionals can offer specialized support and guidance—something that family and friends cannot always provide.

• This is especially important if your friend is experiencing suicidal thoughts or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as using substances or self-harming. They need help, so ensure they get the necessary support!
• Support groups could also be a worthwhile option, depending on the pain they are dealing with. It will allow them to speak with others who truly understand what they’re going through.

Suggest a Break from Technology. If they’ve just gone through a breakup, they might be tempted to bad-mouth their ex or air grievances on social media. However, this often does more harm than good. Encourage them to step back from social media and keep the relationship private, which will prevent them from seeing any posts about the breakup from their ex or friends.

• A break from technology can also be helpful for other forms of emotional pain, especially when they’re overwhelmed by sympathy and messages from others.

Prevent Obsessive Behaviors. Certain activities only worsen the pain, so try to recognize harmful patterns—behaviors that will keep them feeling miserable—and gently guide them away from continuing those actions. Let them know how you feel about these behaviors and encourage them to stop.

• Make sure they’re not harassing their ex after the breakup. If they keep calling or asking others about what their ex is doing, let them know you’re concerned about this behavior.
• If they’ve recently lost a job, stop them from posting or reading negative comments about their former company online.

Be Cautious of Unhealthy Habits. During tough times, it’s easy to neglect personal health. Ensure your friend doesn’t fall into this trap. If you notice they’re not sleeping enough, eating, or are turning to alcohol or drugs, express your concern and guide them toward healthier choices.

• If you notice any of these behaviors, sit down with them and have an honest conversation. They may not even realize what they’re doing.
• If you’re truly worried about your friend, talk to others who can assist you in helping them. This is especially important if your friend is underage. Their parents should be made aware of any self-destructive behaviors.

Consider Replacement Relationships Cautiously. Opinions differ on whether diving into a new relationship immediately after a breakup is a good idea. If your friend rushes into a new relationship right after ending things with someone, it’s worth having a conversation to understand their motivations behind this decision.

• If they’re attempting to fill the void left by their ex by getting involved with someone they wouldn't typically be interested in, this new relationship could end up doing more harm than good.
• However, if they feel ready to date and have a clearer sense of what they’re looking for in a partner, a new relationship could be just what they need.