How to Help a Girl Calm Down

Practice Deep Breathing with Her. When you notice her struggling to calm down, guide her through a deep breathing exercise to promote the body's natural relaxation response. To perform deep breathing, you should:

• Find a quiet, comfortable place free from distractions. Sit upright with a cushion or use a chair for support. Relax your shoulders and place your hands on your thighs.
• Both of you should place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Inhale deeply through your nose for 4–8 counts. The hand on your stomach should rise as your belly expands. Hold your breath for 1–2 counts. Then, exhale through your mouth, watching your hand lower with your stomach, matching the same count as your inhale. The hand on your chest should remain relatively still.
• Repeat the breathing process for 5–10 minutes, or until she feels more relaxed.

Practice progressive muscle relaxation. Another technique to help her relax and feel more at ease is progressive muscle relaxation. This exercise helps you become aware of areas of tension in the body and promotes relaxation in those areas.

• Sit comfortably in a chair or armchair. Begin by taking a few deep breaths to activate a sense of calm.
• Start with your feet and work your way up. Focus on the sensations in your feet. Spend a few seconds noticing them. Then, slowly tense the muscles in your feet until they are fully contracted. Hold for 10 counts. Release the tension, paying attention to the feeling of relaxation. Maintain this state for about 10 counts, continuing to breathe deeply.
• Gradually move to other parts of the body, tensing and relaxing each muscle group.

Exercise together. When it comes to helping someone calm down, the intensity of the workout isn’t the focus, but physical activity is an excellent way to relieve stress and promote positive feelings. Exercise releases endorphins, the brain’s feel-good chemicals, which can help you feel more energized and optimistic.

• If you notice she’s having a tough day, suggest joining a group fitness class like Zumba to get moving and build social connections. Other options include jogging, walking, yoga, basketball, swimming, or hiking.

Try guided imagery together. Guided imagery or visualization is another approach to promote the body’s natural relaxation response. This exercise involves listening to an audio recording or following a video on YouTube. Here’s how to do it:

• Find a quiet, peaceful place to listen to the guided imagery or use your imagination. Begin by taking deep breaths. Then, visualize a place where each of you feels safe or happy, such as a grandparent’s home, a local pond, or a beautiful beach.
• Use at least three senses to imagine this place. Don’t just picture it in your mind—think about its smells (e.g., freshly baked bread or coconut), or tastes (e.g., chocolate or the saltiness in the air). Move closer to a state of relaxation as you immerse yourself in the sensations and environment of your special place.

Listen to soothing music. Research has shown that instrumental music is highly effective in calming the mind. However, it’s entirely up to her—she might want to temporarily forget her troubles and dance to upbeat tunes. Or, she may prefer to express self-compassion by listening to songs that reflect her feelings.

• The type of music doesn’t matter, as long as it helps her relax.

Avoid telling her to 'calm down'. When she's upset and shouting, the last thing you should say is 'calm down'. While helping her regain composure is your top priority, these three words are more likely to irritate her further. Additionally, they might make her feel like you're trivializing or ignoring her emotions.

Offer your assistance. If you notice she's overwhelmed by something causing her distress, ask if there's anything you can do to lighten her load, even if just temporarily. She might want your help with a school project or household chores. She could even appreciate going out for lunch or a walk in the park with you.

Make her laugh. One effective way to help her stop dwelling on what's stressing her out is to shift her perspective. Do something that makes her laugh, like telling a joke, watching a funny video or movie together, or surprising her with a new book or a pair of earrings she's been wanting.

Physical touch. Human physical contact has remarkable soothing properties. Since touch is one of our earliest and most basic forms of communication, most people respond positively to it. Hugging, cuddling, a gentle pat on the back, or holding hands can provide comfort that words often cannot. This method has been proven to reduce stress, improve health, and uplift mood.

Wait until she is ready. When we see someone we love in trouble or distress, we often feel the urge to fix the situation immediately. However, you should resist the impulse to 'fix' her problems or pressure her to open up. The best approach is simply to be present for her. When she feels ready, she will initiate the conversation.

Practice active listening. A good listener doesn’t listen to respond; they listen to understand. Active listening involves focusing your attention on her message and responding in a way that fosters mutual understanding. It revolves around four key principles:

• Understand her before expecting her to understand you. Gather information from her words before offering a response.
• Avoid judgment. Refrain from criticizing her situation. Show unconditional positive regard and emotional intelligence. You can be present, talk, and offer support without agreeing with everything she says.
• Give her your full attention. Maintain comfortable eye contact, typically around 70% of the time while listening (and 50% while speaking). Put away distractions, face her, and avoid crossing your arms or legs.
• Use silence effectively. Resist the urge to interrupt, even if you feel compelled. She may reveal important details she wouldn’t share if interrupted. Respond with nods, smiles, or brief affirmations like 'I see' or 'Go on' to show you’re engaged.

Acknowledge her feelings. Often, when overwhelmed by stress or emotions, she simply wants to feel heard and validated. When a loved one is upset, it’s easy to overlook their core feelings in an attempt to resolve the situation. Once she’s calmer, ask her to describe her emotions without downplaying her circumstances or offering unsolicited advice. Helpful validating statements include:

• 'That sounds really tough.'
• 'I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time.'
• 'I understand why you’re upset. That doesn’t seem fair at all.'

Help her solve the problem. Only after actively listening and validating her emotions should you move to the problem-solving stage. And, you should only assist in forming solutions if she asks for your help. Otherwise, your role is complete. If she seeks advice or assistance, collaborate with her.

• Clearly define the problem. Then, discuss the outcome she hopes to achieve. Once her goal is clear, brainstorm a list of potential solutions. Evaluate the pros and cons of each together, and let her make the final decision. Remember, your role is to support her, not to take responsibility for her life.
• If her problem is too overwhelming for you to handle alone, suggest seeking help from her parents, another trusted adult, a school counselor, or a professional therapist.