How to Help an Angry Person Calm Down

Helping an angry person calm down requires a lot of patience. When someone is feeling 'boiling mad', hearing the phrase 'calm down' may worsen the situation. Being a good listener and providing a distraction can be quite helpful. However, if the anger of the other person is about to erupt or become unpredictable, it may be best to distance yourself rather than try to reason with them. If the angry person refuses to accept your apology, giving them space and walking away might be the best option.

Avoid arguing. If someone is already upset and you get angry too, the situation will likely get worse. Focus on maintaining your own calm, or you might get caught up in an argument. This doesn't mean you need to be completely indifferent, but it's important to try to keep your own emotions in check.

• One way to maintain your composure is by putting your ego aside and not personalizing everything. Responding defensively or trying to protect your reputation is a natural reaction, but you should remember that you can't reason with an angry person until they have calmed down.

Avoid putting yourself on the defensive. When someone is so angry they can't even speak in a normal tone, it's easy for you to get caught up in their negativity and defensive feelings. When interacting with an angry person, it's important to understand that their frustration is not directed at you. Separate their emotions from yours so that you can help them without feeling like their anger is affecting you.

Live in the present. Angry people often bring up past situations or conversations, especially if they are trying to drag you into their anger. You should resist this by focusing their attention on the current situation and working to resolve the problem at hand. Don’t allow yourself to feel angry about past events.

• If the conversation starts drifting towards past events, you can say something like 'We can discuss that later. I think right now, we should focus on what's making you upset and find a solution. Let’s address one issue at a time.'

Stay calm and remain silent. If someone is shouting or wants to vent, you can allow them to express their anger, but it’s best to stay calm and silent or refrain from saying anything. If you choose to speak, use a gentle tone. If you maintain silence, try to keep a calm expression and open body language. You will feel more in control if you don’t react to the provoking behavior of the shouting person.

• Allowing someone to vent and becoming a victim of verbal abuse are two entirely different things. If the person is insulting you, calling you hurtful names, or taking their anger out on you, you should say something like 'I understand you're upset, and I want to help. But please don't take it out on me.'

Apologize if you're wrong. If you did something to upset the person, what they may need is a heartfelt apology. Apologizing is not a sign of weakness; it shows you care about the other person’s feelings. Reflect on the situation to see if you made a mistake, and if so, apologize. Sometimes, this is all the person needs to calm down.

• However, if you don’t feel you were in the wrong, you don’t need to apologize just to placate them.
• An effective apology could be: 'I’m really sorry for using the retirement savings for the vacation home in Hawaii. I don’t know what I was thinking. I understand why you’re upset. Let’s work together to find a solution.'

Do not tell the person to 'calm down.' When someone is extremely angry, they are often driven by emotions and not using their rational thinking. Trying to reason with them or asking them to 'stay calm' or 'be more logical' will only fuel their anger and make them feel worthless.

Use active listening techniques. When someone is emotionally overwhelmed, they want to be understood. You should sincerely listen to them. Look them in the eye, nod at appropriate moments, and ask questions to learn more. Having a conversation where they feel heard can help calm them down.

• Of course, sometimes an angry person may not want to be questioned, and they might feel so upset that they believe no one can truly understand their feelings. All you can do is try your best; if they are not ready to open up, don't push them.

Acknowledge their feelings. Everyone experiences anger at some point. Sometimes, anger is just a mask for other emotions like pain, embarrassment, or sadness. Regardless of the cause of their anger, you should listen and respond by recognizing their feelings (without necessarily agreeing with them). Avoid judging them, as this could be seen as a lack of support through words or body language.

• An example of acknowledging someone's feelings is saying something like 'That must be really difficult' or 'I understand why you're upset.'
• Statements like 'Let it go' or 'I’ve been through the same thing, and I got over it' are not helpful.

Show empathy. Empathy can be expressed by understanding the other person's perspective, feeling sorrow for their situation, and connecting with their emotions. Showing empathy towards an angry person shows that you are listening and truly understand what they are saying.

• To empathize with the angry person, try to offer an interpretation of the source of their anger. You might say, 'So, you’re angry because you feel like you’re doing all the housework on your own, right?'
• You may often say 'I know exactly how you feel,' but realize this can sometimes escalate their anger. They might believe no one can truly understand their emotions.

Diffuse the situation with humor. You may need to assess the situation or know the person well enough to decide if this approach will be effective. Humor can combat anger effectively because it alters the body's chemistry. Telling a funny story or mentioning something amusing in the situation to make both of you laugh can help calm things down and possibly make the person less angry.

Give them some space. Some people prefer talking things through, while others like to process their emotions on their own. If discussing the issue only makes them angrier, it's better to give them some time and space. Most people need at least 20 minutes to calm down, but others may need more time.

• If you believe someone needs personal time, you might say, 'I know you're upset, but it seems like I'm not making things better. I think you need some time alone. I'm here for you if you want to talk.'

See if there's a way you can make things better. If the cause of their anger is related to an issue that can be resolved, you might be able to help. If they're calm enough to listen to reason, offer a solution and help them plan to improve the situation.

• In many cases, you won't be able to reason with someone who's angry in this way. You should assess the situation and decide if it’s best to wait until they’re calm enough to hear constructive suggestions.

Focus on the future. It's important to stay focused on the present while dealing with anger, but you should also try to shift their attention toward the future when looking for solutions. This can help them think more rationally and concentrate on how the situation can improve rather than continuing to dwell on past or present anger.

Help them accept that they may not find a solution. Sometimes, you won’t be able to find a solution to the problem causing someone's anger. In this case, it’s crucial to remind them that they need to move past their emotions and keep moving forward.

Separate yourself from the situation if you can't stay calm. If the person is trying to provoke or drag you into their anger, you should remove yourself from the situation if possible. When you're angry, you'll only make things worse, so stepping away when you're upset can help prevent further escalation or conflict.

Recognize signs of abuse. Anger and abuse are two entirely different things. Anger is a normal human emotion that needs to be addressed, while abuse is an unhealthy interaction that can harm others. The following signs indicate abuse, not just anger:

• Physical threats (whether or not they actually result in violent actions)
• Making you feel guilty
• Verbal abuse or disrespect
• Controlling or coercive sexual behavior

Seek a safe place if things start to become violent. If you're dealing with someone who struggles with anger management and you're concerned for your safety, you should leave the situation immediately and find a safe space. Domestic violence is a recurring cycle, and once it happens, it is likely to happen again. It's important to maintain both physical and emotional safety for yourself and your family. In Vietnam, the domestic violence helpline is 18001567. The following signs can indicate that the situation may turn violent:

• You feel afraid of making the person angry
• The person mocks, criticizes, or humiliates you
• The person exhibits violent and unpredictable behavior
• The person blames you for their violent actions
• The person threatens to harm you