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Is your friend going through a difficult period? True friendship is revealed when we find ways to support one another. Sometimes, it can be challenging to know what to say when a friend is facing misfortune. Don't worry about it. Simply being present is enough. There are numerous ways you can help a friend going through a tough time feel better.
Steps to Take
Do the Right Things
Continue to Offer Help Even When They Refuse. You cannot truly help your friends if you withdraw when challenges arise. To be a good friend, you must be ready to support them during late-night conversations or when they’re in tears. For some people, their friend's problems may feel like a burden, but that's not genuine friendship.
- Even if they ask for space, at least offer help. However, don’t force them to talk if they’re not ready. Give them the time they need and try again later. Keep offering your help. Don’t just turn away. Sometimes people don’t know how to respond when a friend is struggling, so they stay silent or distance themselves. This could hurt your friend even more.
- The primary goal is to offer support. Simply knowing that someone is there to listen, provide advice, or show care can make a huge difference for someone going through tough times. Call, text, or write a letter just to ask, “How are you? Is there anything I can do to help?”
- Part of helping is being consistently available. Keep your phone on and be ready to talk to them at 2 AM if they're in crisis. Reply to their messages. Don’t be too busy to listen. Don’t feel like you need to act differently. Choose the right time and don’t approach them abruptly if they’re not ready to talk.
Remain calm as they are already overwhelmed. Be a lifeline for them to hold onto when they feel lost, and view yourself as a support for them. Try not to show that you are also struggling with the situation.
- Don’t panic. This will only make your friend feel that the problem is more serious or unsolvable, which will make them more anxious. Understand that some people need to grieve for a while, and that’s perfectly okay.
- Although you should show empathy, pitying them too much might actually make them feel worse.
- Don’t make impulsive actions that could make the situation worse. After all, you may not fully understand their issue as well as they do. Always check with your friend before taking any steps to help them recover. Pay attention to how they feel about your approach (unless they’re in danger or being mistreated, in which case you must speak to someone right away).
Listen attentively, but sometimes speaking is also needed. You should be a good listener, but sharing words of comfort can also help a friend in need. Looking them in the eyes with empathy is also a part of listening.
- Share uplifting stories of experiences and results from others or even your own experiences if you think it will make them feel better. However, be sure to pause and truly listen as well. Sometimes, people just need to vent and release their emotions.
- Don’t forget that your friend is already in pain. Maintain as positive a perspective as possible. That’s why they came to you first: For support. Let them speak their mind for a while. They may just need to get everything off their chest. Even a sympathetic nod or a remark like, “I’ll help you through this. You’re strong” can have a significant impact.
Understand that different struggles require different approaches. For instance, responding to someone grieving over the loss of a loved one will be very different from how you respond to someone facing financial difficulties. Therefore, take time to understand their specific situation.
- If they are struggling with finances, you might help them create a budget, offer a fresh perspective on their spending, or refer them to a financial advisor. Be cautious about lending money to friends or family—it could ruin your relationship.
- If they are grieving over the death of someone or any other loss, understand that experts believe the grieving process includes several stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately acceptance.
- Help your friend connect with reliable external resources where they can receive more support from a professional or someone experienced in their particular struggle.
Provide physical comfort through a reassuring hug. Or gently touch their shoulder. Physical contact can communicate empathy and make them feel more at ease, or at least show them that you care.
- Sometimes, all they need is a hug. No words are necessary—just open your arms, and they will embrace you. Hold them for as long as possible as this will show them that you are there for them. Make them smile.
- You can sing, dance, or tell jokes. Once they start laughing, it will be easier for them to move on and think about what to do next.
Say the Right Words
Focus on Them, Not Yourself. While you may want to share your own experiences if you believe they’ll help convey empathy or be useful to your friend, always prioritize their needs over your own. Avoid making them laugh by telling stories about how you've overcome even worse hardships.
- Do not try to one-up them with your own problems. Maybe at night you're being stalked by a killer in sunglasses disguised as a clown, but now is not the time for your issues to take center stage. Focus on their challenges—whether it’s their partner, their career, or anything they are going through.
- It’s not that you can't find common ground by sharing a personal experience that mirrors their situation, but don't imply that you know exactly how they feel. Each situation is unique, and keep your stories brief.
Avoid Cliché Phrases That Feel Empty and Unhelpful. We’ve all heard phrases like: “I know how you feel” (even when you don’t) or “It could be worse” when someone is in deep sorrow. Instead, speak from the heart, offering words tailored to their specific circumstances.
- Friendship is knowing how to use honesty effectively. When a friend is struggling, you need to assess the situation and address it from your own perspective. Put yourself in their shoes and feel the emotions they are going through.
- Express your genuine sympathy and let them express all their emotions. Avoid offering trite advice, as it may seem like you don’t care and could make them feel worse. Be real. Don’t say “everything will be fine” if it’s not. Instead, motivate them.
Always Maintain an Optimistic Attitude and Prevent Negative Thoughts. Criticizing your friend with comments like, “I told you to do this sooner” or “How many times have I told you about this?” will only hurt them further. By the time the conversation ends, you’ll regret what was said.
- If your friend keeps bringing up a negative situation, gently suggest positive ways they can change things rather than expressing criticism or negativity. Don’t criticize them. This is crucial. It won’t help at all, and it’s not the right time for that.
- Don’t talk to them about what they did wrong while they’re still in the middle of their crisis. They need comfort when things are tough, not to feel worse. Avoid harsh words like “I told you so” or “This is your fault.”
- Imagine this: You’re friends with Hoa, whose parents just divorced. You should be there to comfort her, listen to her problems, or help make her laugh. But maybe she needs some time alone too. Show care with small gestures—like watching movies together or doing something to make her smile. Be a good friend and help her through her struggles, just like you’d want her to do for you.
Offer Suggestions for How They Can Improve Their Situation. Suggest a few things your friend could do to overcome their current hardship, while also boosting their spirits. Help them recognize the positive aspects of their life. Remind them that they don’t deserve what happened to them.
- If possible, try to do something that can truly change the hardship they’re facing. If you can’t do much, at least offer practical help. For instance, if they’re too overwhelmed to make dinner, bring them a meal. Offer to take care of their kids—small acts like that.
- While offering constructive solutions is helpful, ultimately they need to make their own decisions on what to do. Let them come to their conclusions and make their own choices. Showing sincere support is key right now. Speak based on facts, and never advise them if you’re unsure.
- Although sometimes you can offer solutions, advice, or suggestions, your main goal should be to listen. If you're particularly close, you can balance all three tasks.
Accept that your friend might not follow your advice. A good friend will offer guidance and advice but also understand that their friend might not be ready to accept help, even if they are very close. Ultimately, people need to tackle their issues – whether it's relationship struggles, financial worries, or the death of someone – on their own.
- Understand and accept that your actions might not always yield the expected outcome. As a supporter, you shouldn't feel frustrated or disheartened by this.
- Help them identify the source of the problem and potential solutions. Use your experience, instincts, and advice from others. You could say, "This is your life, and you should do what you feel is best. But have you thought about if ___, then _____ wouldn't that work? Maybe you could ___? Ultimately, it's up to you." Instead of saying, "That's a terrible idea, you should ___."
Take different actions
Report abuse or anything that might threaten your friend's safety. Not all difficulties are the same. If your friend is going through something that threatens their safety – like an abusive relationship or self-harm risks – you must take action.
- Encourage your friend to speak to someone in authority, like law enforcement, a therapist, a religious leader, or their parents. If your friend refuses and the abuse is happening, you should take it upon yourself to speak with someone in authority.
- If your friend is underage, you need to talk to their parents if they are being abused, even if it's bullying. Bullying is a form of emotional abuse, and you shouldn’t handle such issues on your own. Don’t confront the abuser, as it could put you at risk too. Speak to an adult.
Let them grieve for a while, but not forever. Don’t force them to be happy or angry if they’re unable to shake their sadness. They’re hurt. Sometimes, they just need to wallow in it for a while. But if it goes on for too long, you may need to try other methods.
- At some point, you may need to take a firmer approach or be a facilitator. When is that moment? It’s when prolonged sadness, grief, or frustration begins to negatively impact other areas of their life, like work or studies.
- Initial emotional downturns are normal, but people will gradually heal, though the time it takes varies from person to person. Eventually, you should guide them toward possible solutions they can consider.
Know when things have exceeded your limits. If you ever feel the need for space because they aren’t getting better and all your conversations are immersed in sadness month after month, it may be time to intervene more firmly.
- Learn the signs of clinical depression, and if your friend shows symptoms, you should suggest they seek professional help, like a therapist or doctor.
- Remind them that you’re not trained to be their therapist. And you can’t carry their burdens forever. At some point, a bit of toughness in the form of a constructive solution or a heartfelt perspective on what you’ve observed may help them more than anything else.
Help distract them by engaging in something fun. Try to provide them with a way to momentarily forget their worries. You could invite them to go to the movies together. This will get them out of the house and allow them to escape their issues, even if just for a few hours.
- Entertainment can offer someone a more optimistic perspective. However, it's important to strike a balance between immersion and distraction. Understand that they might want to stay comfortable in their living room, lounging in pajamas, at least initially.
- Offer them some comforting treats like ice cream or chocolate, or something they enjoy. Bring it over to their place and keep them company. Remind them of their past accomplishments. Share some positive quotes with them.
- In some ways, continuing with normal life at a certain point can aid in the healing process. So, try not to drastically change your daily routine.
If they are not in immediate danger, keep their issues confidential to avoid making things worse. When a friend shares their difficulties with you, they are putting their trust in you. Breaking that trust by sharing their problems with others would make you a bad friend.
- There is one exception – and it’s crucial – if the issue involves abuse, bullying, or any situation that could harm your friend, even emotionally. In these cases, it’s necessary to speak with an authority figure – such as their parents, the police, or a doctor.
- For all other situations, avoid gossiping. Don’t hint at their issues on social media or tell other friends, even if you intend to help them gain more support.
Advice
- Give them the space they need when they request it.
- Don't let them turn to alcohol as a means to cope. It will only worsen their emotions and struggles.
- Don't push them to share every detail. They may not want to tell you everything, so don’t pry unless they’re willing to open up.
- Give your friend space, and avoid being present too frequently, so you don’t make them feel overwhelmed.
- Don’t make promises to be there for them if you know you can’t or won’t be able to keep them.
- No matter what your friend shares with you, show empathy and praise them for their resilience. This alone can make a person feel supported, understood, and generally better.
Warning
- If a friend confides in you about their personal struggles, keep everything confidential unless it involves issues like suicide, abuse, rape, or anything else that could cause them significant harm.
