How to Help Your Child Accept a Remarriage

Did you know that one-third of the population in the United States lives in blended families, whether with stepparents, half-siblings, or other familial configurations? While blended families are fairly common, this doesn't mean the situation is always easy to navigate. The challenges surrounding remarriage after a divorce or the loss of a partner can be complicated, and finding a perfect solution may be difficult. However, there are several steps you can take to help your children cope and accept your decision to remarry.

Encourage your spouse to build a bond with your child. Your spouse doesn’t have to act like a parent right away. You should help them become more of a friendly guide than an authority figure. First, focus on fostering a connection between them and the children before transitioning into a disciplinary role. It’s best for your spouse to develop a relationship with your child independently, without your involvement.

• You might also discuss with your spouse about maintaining responsibility for supervision and discipline until they and your child have developed a solid connection.
• Your spouse can monitor the children’s behavior and report back to you instead of intervening directly.

Talk About Parenting with Your New Partner. Discuss the roles both of you will play. Will your spouse support you in raising your children, or will that responsibility remain yours alone? You should share your desires and your partner’s expectations, as well as the factors you believe will be best for your children. Adjusting to a new family dynamic can be challenging.

• Clearly outline your partner’s role with your children. Are they allowed to mediate disputes? Are they permitted to discipline the children? What consequences and rules can they enforce?
• Consider a specific timeline. You may want to handle parenting alone for now and gradually transition roles as your family bonds more closely.

Take Gradual Steps Toward Building Harmony in the Household. It’s important to understand that it will take some time for your children to adjust to the changes in their lives. This is especially true if you are helping your child live with your spouse’s children. Do not introduce new rules immediately; instead, maintain the current family rules and ask your spouse to follow them. Then, start making slow adjustments to better suit your new family structure.

Avoid Arguing in Front of the Children. A positive and low-conflict relationship between you and your spouse will help your children adjust better. While arguing is a normal part of a healthy marriage, you should avoid involving your children in arguments. Reassure them that disagreements are natural, but they do not mean that everything will change or that divorce is imminent, nor that they are the cause of the conflict.

• Try to reserve such discussions for times when the children are not around.

Be Aware of Your Children’s Developmental Stages. Teenagers may struggle more with accepting a remarriage than younger children. Adolescents are trying to gain independence and may distance themselves from the family, following their own path. When you ask a teenager to join a blended family, you are asking them to connect with a family they may not want to bond with. Teenagers may show indifference or become emotionally distant. Younger children may display behavioral changes like acting out or becoming irritable as a way to cope with their stress.

• Younger children will generally find it easier to connect and build a relationship with your new spouse. However, this also depends on your child’s temperament.

Be Mindful of Shattering Your Child's Illusions. Your child might still be holding onto the hope that you and your ex-partner will get back together or that there will always be a place for your late spouse in your home. When a new person enters your life, they may become a threat to these cherished beliefs. Remarriage can be emotionally damaging and is often viewed as a loss.

• It’s important to become more attuned to your child’s feelings and start a discussion about the situation. Ask how they feel about the remarriage and if they are upset by the separation between you and your former spouse or late partner. Initiate an honest and heartfelt conversation, giving your child space to voice their concerns.

Be Aware of Loyalty Conflicts. Divorce and remarriage can confuse your child. They may feel torn between you and your ex-partner. They might feel that enjoying the company of their new stepparent is a betrayal of their old one, and they may struggle to accept the new marriage while remaining loyal to their past.

• Encourage your child to express their love for the new family member from your ex’s side and allow them the time to build a relationship with your new spouse.
• Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner or their new spouse, especially in front of the children. This can confuse them even further.

Build Conversations About Emotions. Take time to sit down with your child and talk openly about feelings. You can share your own emotions, but focus on giving your child a safe environment to express theirs. When speaking with them, you might say:

• It’s okay to feel confused about new people in your life.
• Feeling sad about a parent’s divorce (or the passing of a parent) is completely normal.
• You don't have to love your new stepparent, but you should show them the same respect you'd give to a teacher or coach.
• If you feel stuck between both sides of the family, talk to me. I’ll do my best to help resolve that feeling.
• It’s perfectly fine to talk to someone else, such as a counselor or coach, about the struggles you’re facing.

Listen to Your Child's Worries. Your child might fear having to move homes or share a room with new siblings. They could also be anxious about the changes to their daily routines, vacation plans, and other shared activities. Be honest in explaining the difficulties of this process for everyone involved and let them know that positive changes will come in the new family dynamic. Tell your child about the possible benefits, like more family vacations or a bigger room.

• Help your child realize that things will get easier with support from everyone.

Reassure Your Child of Your Love. Even if your child is getting along well with your new spouse, remarriage often brings back the pain of divorce or loss. Additionally, through loyalty or fear of betraying their old parent, your child might resist participating in or supporting the new marriage. It’s essential to reassure your child that you understand and respect their decisions, and that you will always love them.

• When your child shows fear or anxiety, remind them that your love for them will never change, no matter the circumstances. Your love is constant despite any changes or tension.
• Allow your child to express strong opinions about certain matters, but also discuss the reasons behind those feelings.
• No matter what happens, your marriage will continue because the decision lies with the adult who shapes their own life.

Make it Clear to Your Child That Adult Love Is Not Something They Can Control. Gently let your child know that while they may have control over their toys, homework, or clothing choices, they cannot influence their parents’ emotional lives, whether it’s divorce or remarriage. Never use negative language in these discussions; a child might wrongly think they are responsible for their parents' separation and blame themselves. You must reassure your child that they are not at fault.

• Remind them that one person’s happiness does not equal another’s sadness: every family member can feel joy about the upcoming marriage.
• Reassure your child that some things, like hearts, emotions, and love, are beyond explanation, and things just "happen" as they do.

Be Patient. Rejection, defiance, and anger won’t disappear overnight. Talk to your ex-spouse to seek their support in helping your child through this transitional phase. In your conversation with your child, make it clear that both you and your ex-partner care deeply about their concerns; this is not the time to reopen old wounds but rather to focus on your child’s feelings.

• Do not force your child to immediately accept and get along with their new stepparent. This is a significant adjustment and everyone needs time and patience.