How to help your child stop engaging in public masturbation

Masturbation is a common behavior among children. While many consider it a natural and harmless way for children to explore their developing sexuality, excessive or inappropriate masturbation can become an issue, particularly when it occurs in public. Children of all ages may masturbate, and for those under 5, they may not understand the need to find a private place for this behavior. Remain calm and avoid jumping to conclusions about your child's mental health. Instead of punishment or rushing to therapy, gently set boundaries, engage in open conversation, and encourage more appropriate behavior when you witness this.

Give your child some private space at home. Everyone needs personal time, and so do teenagers and children. This private time is often when masturbation happens. However, if your child decides to masturbate in front of you or others, you need to address this behavior. With more private time, inappropriate actions may decrease.

• Allow masturbation during bedtime. If you catch your child masturbating during bedtime or alone in the bathroom, don't punish them, just let it be.
• Remember, masturbation doesn't mean your child will engage in sexual activity with others. It's just part of self-exploration.
• After addressing inappropriate behavior in front of others, give your child some privacy at home, but continue to supervise when they're with other children.

In public spaces, you may not want to address your child's behavior directly as it could attract unwanted attention. Instead, you can divert their focus to something else, allowing them to stop the behavior and engage in a more appropriate activity. If the child is young, you can use video games to distract them. If they are older, you can ask them a question or ask them to do something for you.

• You might say things like, 'Can you get me the napkins?' or 'Can you grab a few pieces of gum from my purse?'

For young children, carrying comforting objects like a blanket or a stuffed toy can be an excellent way to keep their hands busy and prevent them from engaging in inappropriate behavior. It also serves as a reassuring comfort for children who may feel anxious in public spaces or those with physical disabilities.

If you're close to home, it may be best to take your child to their room, where they can be alone in a private space. For example, if you're at a neighbor's house and your child is old enough to go home by themselves, you can suggest they go back home and continue the discussion later.

• If your child is too young, you'll need to bring them home and explain the situation to them.

Children may engage in inappropriate behavior in public spaces, such as at school, even when you are not present. If this happens, it's important to find ways to redirect their attention and help them wait until they are home. You should contact the teacher to discuss your child's progress and any challenges they might be facing.

• Avoid asking directly about the behavior, as it could embarrass your child or put the teacher in an uncomfortable position.
• You can ask something like, 'I’d like to know how my child Cường is doing lately. Are there any updates on their grades or behavior that I should be aware of?'
• If the teacher mentions that the child frequently engages in this behavior in class, thank them for the information and let them know you're addressing the issue at home, asking them to notify you if it continues.

If your child has a caregiver, such as a tutor, babysitter, or any other form of support, it's crucial to discuss this issue with them. Ask for updates on your child's behavior and inform them of how you would like these situations to be handled. Consistency in how all caregivers manage this behavior is key.

• Make sure everyone involved in your child's care responds similarly to any incidents of inappropriate behavior.

Children may engage in self-soothing behaviors like masturbation to experience pleasure. To help manage this, it's important to provide healthy activities to keep them engaged when they are looking for enjoyment. Encouraging these activities will also build their self-confidence, allowing them to find relaxation in other, more appropriate pursuits.

• Encourage them to explore various hobbies and activities. Find things that genuinely interest them to engage their attention and boost their self-esteem.
• Let your child know they are capable and respected within the family. Create a warm environment that fosters their confidence and encouragement.

Be mindful of your tone. Avoid confronting them harshly or in a way that might make them feel embarrassed or self-conscious. If they are very young, they may not fully understand the significance of their actions or their sexual implications. Therefore, a compassionate and gentle approach is essential in shaping their future understanding of sexuality. This approach also increases the likelihood that they will feel comfortable discussing sexual matters with you in the future, rather than turning to others or keeping secrets.

• Remember: do not make them feel ashamed or guilty about masturbation; simply explain that it is inappropriate to do so in public.

Choosing the right moment is crucial. You may feel the urge to correct the behavior immediately when you notice it, but it’s important not to discipline your child harshly in public. Instead, ask them to 'stop' or divert their attention away from the behavior. Once you're at home, have a private conversation with them to explain why the behavior is inappropriate.

• You might say, 'You know, your body is yours, and you can touch it if you want, but there are places where it’s not okay to do that, unless you’re alone in your room. Don’t do it when you’re out of the house. Do you understand?'
• Don’t discuss this in front of others. You don’t want your child to feel embarrassed in public.

Explain to them that there’s nothing wrong with exploring their private body parts, but the issue lies in the location. Let them know that exposing or touching their private areas in public or when others are around is inappropriate.

• Compare masturbation to other activities that should be done in private, like bathing or using the restroom.

Present the options. Instead of focusing on what your child should not do, guide the conversation towards what they can do. Explain that if they wish to engage in masturbation, they may do so in private spaces like their bedroom or bathroom.

Be empathetic and try to be a friend to the child. For older children, this conversation may lead to many questions about sexuality, so be open and listen to their questions honestly, providing truthful answers about actions and family values. For younger children, you should focus more on their private body parts and how they work.

• For younger children, avoid delving too deeply into topics they are not ready for; speak truthfully but simply. For example, you might say, "It’s fine to touch there, but you cannot do that in class or when others are around. Would you like to go to the restroom for a bit to do that?"
• Think about who your child prefers to listen to. Some children prefer hearing from a parent of the same gender, or from someone they are closest to.

Look for signs of abuse. If you notice your child masturbating excessively to the point of causing harm, trying to encourage other children to do the same, or if you suspect someone has taught them, consult a pediatrician or therapist. Sexual abuse may be the cause of the issue.

• Take note that recurring urinary tract infections can also indicate excessive masturbation or potential ongoing abuse.

Remove privileges if they fail to follow the rules. Once your child understands when it’s appropriate or not to masturbate, they may still cross those boundaries, and that’s when you must take away certain privileges. This action will reinforce that public masturbation is unacceptable and help regulate this behavior.

• Consider confiscating their phone or TV privileges.
• Say something like, “Cường, we talked about your masturbation. You can do it in your room, but not at school. Since you did it today, I’m going to take your phone for a few days as punishment.”

Show more affection towards your child. Some children engage in self-stimulation because they enjoy the sensation of physical touch, a desire that is not necessarily linked to sexuality. Hug your child more, sit next to them on the couch while watching TV, and overall, be more affectionate. If they start touching their body while sitting beside you, ask them to go to their room or the bathroom.

Knock before entering your child's room. While setting boundaries with your child, you also need to establish boundaries for yourself, allowing them their private space. After explaining to them where it is appropriate to self-stimulate, you should never enter their private space without knocking on the door first.

Be optimistic and always offer support. This process might be new for both you and your child. Be firm but gentle, and always ready to provide support. Remind them that it's okay to self-stimulate in private, and let them know you're always available to listen if they have any questions.

Teach your child coping skills. Some children turn to this sensation as a way to cope or relieve stress. Teach your child to express their emotions verbally, such as saying "I'm sad" or "I'm angry," and explain that there is nothing wrong with feeling bored, but those emotions should be expressed through words.

• Model appropriate behavior in daily life, especially when your child is present, to help them better understand how to properly cope with stress.