Buzz
A genuine friendship is like a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae: it sweetens our lives. However, a fake friend can drain your energy, leaving you feeling drained and exhausted after each encounter. If you suspect that there is a fake friend in your circle, you can uncover the truth by observing their behavioral patterns and communication habits. Once you’ve identified them, try to distance yourself from them, making space for real friendships that bring joy into your life.
Steps
Observe their behavior
Ask yourself if this friend often lets you down. Fake friends may frequently lie, break promises, or disappear just when you need them most. Reflect on the past few weeks or months of your friendship. Have you often felt disappointed by their actions? If so, you might be dealing with a fake friend.
- If they consistently disappoint you, you’ll need to decide the best course of action – lower your expectations of this friendship or end the friendship with them.
Klare Heston, LCSW
Medical social worker
Medical social worker
Recognizing true friends is equally important. Clare Heston, a social worker, explains, "A true friend is someone who stands by you through both good times and bad. They accept you, encourage you, and trust you. They will offer honest feedback while respecting your decisions. They should also accept your other friends and family."
Notice when someone always puts themselves first. Reflect on how you feel while with this friend and afterwards. Do you often feel overlooked or dismissed because they dominate every conversation or decision? If so, this friend might not truly consider your well-being.
- You should feel uplifted after hanging out with friends, not drained, exhausted, or upset.
- If this friend seems uninterested in anyone but themselves, they may just be seeking an audience rather than a friend.
- However, keep in mind that your friend might just need time to grow. Perhaps they will learn from gentle, constructive feedback. For example, you might say, "I feel discouraged when we hang out because you only talk about yourself. I feel like you don't want to listen to me."
Be aware of their indifference. Enthusiasm and empathy are at the heart of real friendship. If someone often shows a cold or indifferent attitude towards you, it might be time to reevaluate the friendship.
- For instance, they might argue with you and always expect you to apologize. This is clearly not an equal and healthy friendship.
- They could also abandon you when you need them the most, such as partying while you're going through a breakup and leaving you to deal with it alone.
Notice whether they support you and consider your best interests. Does your friend care about you as a person? If they do, they should come to see your band perform or inquire about your cheerleading tryouts. They should also remember your birthday and other important events.
- If this person belittles or mocks things you care about – or never shows up to events that matter to you – it’s clear they don’t support you.
Consider whether this friend accepts your flaws or constantly brings up your mistakes to criticize you. Everyone makes mistakes at times. A good friend will give you space to relax instead of repeatedly pointing out your errors. If your conversations with this person revolve endlessly around your shortcomings, it might be time to distance yourself from them.
- It’s hard to expect forgiveness easily when we’ve hurt someone. However, true friends don’t hold grudges forever. If not, you’ll feel uncomfortable around them.
Think about whether this person often makes you feel guilty. True friends understand that sometimes you're busy and can’t always make time for them. If this person tries to make you feel guilty for saying no or not hanging out, they might not be a true friend.
- Everyone gets busy, so don’t feel guilty for not always being available.
- Pay special attention if this friend always expects you to be there when they need you, but doesn’t reciprocate.
Recognizing issues in communication
- When friends talk about you, they might feel awkward in your presence.
- Watch for signs like fidgeting, twisting their hair, or sweaty palms when they are near you. These aren’t always signs of pretense; they could just be their habits. If your friend bites their nails, it’s not a sign they’re pretending.
- If they appear anxious or avoid eye contact, they might feel guilty about something.
Pay attention to whether this friend listens to you or only expects attention in return. Active listening is crucial for building strong relationships. If you always try to listen to them but they don’t respond in kind, they may not be a sincere friend.
- Notice when you’re talking with them: do they constantly interrupt? Do they shift the conversation to a topic they prefer instead of engaging with what you’re saying?
- For example, if you approach your friend to share important news, a fake friend might not care about your news – they’ll only focus on their own story.
Establish boundaries and see if they respect them. To gauge someone's true intentions, set clear boundaries and observe how they respond. A genuine friend will accept and honor your personal limits.
- For instance, you might say, "Hey, I can’t hang out every Thursday anymore because I need to focus on my chemistry studies." Or, "Let’s avoid discussing sex—it's just not something I’m comfortable with."
- If they continue to push those boundaries or fail to understand, they might not be a true friend.
Spotting signs of envy or jealousy. Some friends are supportive when everyone's situation is relatively equal. However, when you start to excel in some area, these friends might reveal their claws. If they become irritable, sarcastic, or uncomfortable with your success, they may not be a real friend.
- A common clue is whether they gossip about you. This could be a sign of jealousy.
- Someone who talks behind other people's backs may also do the same about you. A good friend usually speaks of others' good qualities, not their flaws. Don’t engage in gossip with them.
- You might sense their jealousy if they are always competing with you, never offering encouragement, and you feel the need to include them in every activity to avoid leaving them out.
- A jealous friend may even act possessive when you spend time with others. A true friend would never try to separate you from your other friends or loved ones.
Identifying passive-aggressive behavior. Do they agree to help but never follow through? Do you feel as though they’re secretly undermining you? If this sounds familiar, they may exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, which can seriously harm meaningful friendships.
- Don’t expect to change their passive-aggressive tendencies—just don’t bother trying. Instead, keep your distance from such fake friends, and if you must communicate with them, do so with assertiveness.
Pay attention if your secrets are being exposed. Think back to whether your private matters often end up getting out in the open. If so, you may be dealing with a fake friend.
- You can even test their trustworthiness by telling them a "small secret" and asking them to keep it. If you hear it being discussed elsewhere, you’ll know exactly who leaked it.
- Also, if they frequently share negative stories about other "friends" of theirs, they’re likely gossiping about you too.
Consider whether they regularly keep in touch with you. Does this friend often reach out to you? This can vary depending on the relationship, but in general, true friends stay in contact. They call not just to ask for favors, but to genuinely check in.
- If this person only calls when they need something from you, they might not be a sincere friend.
Building True Friendships
Reevaluate your relationships with fake friends. Ask yourself if you truly want to continue associating with someone who isn’t genuine. Reflect on how you feel in their presence—do they bring any positivity into your life? If the answer is no, it might be time to remove them from your circle.
- You may also seek advice from people you trust. Ask your parents, siblings, or close friends whether they think you should end your friendship with a fake person.
Talk to your friend. Address your observations with your fake friend and explain how their actions affect you. Based on their response, you can make an informed decision about your future with them.
- For example, if your friend acknowledges their behavior and attempts to change, you might choose to give them another chance. On the other hand, if they deny it or act indifferent, the friendship may need to end.
Lower your expectations of friendship to protect yourself from hurt. To avoid wasting too much time and energy on fake friendships, adjust your expectations with certain individuals. By lowering your standards, you will be less likely to feel constantly disappointed or ignored. You can continue to stay in touch with them, but don’t invest excessive time or effort into the relationship.
- For instance, you might label them as an "acquaintance" instead. Once you view them as just an acquaintance, you won’t be as upset when they don’t wish you a happy birthday.
Connect with people who share your interests and values. Meet new people who share your passions by engaging in volunteer activities, enrolling in a new class, or joining a club. As you interact with these new people, observe how they engage to see if they share your values.
- For example, if you prioritize friends, pay attention to whether they value those in front of them more than virtual friends—such as not constantly being on the phone.
- If you value honesty, watch for signs that the new friend may lie or conceal personal information.
Be cautious when sharing personal information with newly acquainted friends. Relationships can evolve into deeper friendships when both sides are open with each other. However, it is important to approach this carefully and gradually. You certainly wouldn’t want to risk sharing overly personal details with someone who might not be a genuine friend yet.
- For instance, try sharing your career goals with them first to see if they respond similarly. Once trust is built, you may begin to share more private matters, like your health status.
- Besides protecting your own interests, gradually revealing information is also the healthiest way to build a new relationship. It is rare that someone will learn your deepest secrets within the first week of knowing you.
Advice
- If your friend apologizes, give them a chance. They may genuinely feel regret, and offering someone another opportunity is often a good thing.
