Buzz
Dating someone you don’t know at all feels like walking a tightrope – you want those perfect moments, but you also don’t want to fall into the trap of a narcissist. Don’t worry! Although not all narcissists are the same, there are plenty of red flags you can watch for. Here, we’ve put together 11 signs to help you spot a narcissist on your upcoming date, so you can make smarter decisions about your future.
Steps
They plan every detail of the date.
A narcissist must have control. Even before the date begins, they’ve already decided the time, place, and every detail of your meeting. Sure, there are people who like to plan ahead rather than making decisions last-minute, but narcissists have an extreme need for control.
- A person who plans ahead may try to organize the date, but they’re open to discussing where and when it will take place. A narcissist, however, will struggle to give up control.
- A narcissist might even order your food and drinks for you, specifying exactly how the dishes should be prepared.
They often overdress.
Narcissists dress up elaborately for their date. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with choosing a nice, stylish outfit for a first meeting – but narcissists tend to go overboard. While you might opt for something fashionable yet simple, your date could show up in a sharp suit, a fancy gown, or some other extravagant outfit. Narcissists take the concept of 'dressing to impress' to a whole new level.
- Ultimately, narcissists aim to make an unforgettable first impression by dressing extravagantly. They also like to appear superior to everyone around them, which is why they need to look their best.
They want everything they own to be the best.
A narcissist is never satisfied with anything that’s ordinary or mundane. Believing they deserve the best, narcissists will often demand the best seating or service. Pay attention to their behavior during the date, especially when you’re at a new location. They may:
- Request a different table at the restaurant
- Be overly picky about where they sit at the cinema
- Complain when they can’t find a perfect parking spot
They treat restaurant staff poorly.
Narcissists tend to be arrogant and disregard those they deem 'beneath' them. You might feel embarrassed by their arrogance, especially when they get upset with the server or leave a meager tip. You might notice they:
- Complain when the food isn’t prepared to their liking
- Ask the server why the food is taking so long to be served
- Speak rudely and abruptly whenever they make a request
Their charm and magnetism can be overwhelming.
If this person seems too good to be true, they probably are. Narcissists are excellent at manipulating those around them. They can easily make you feel comfortable and will captivate you over time. Your date might even play the role of the perfect gentleman, holding doors open or helping you with your coat. They may also:
- Shower you with compliments
- Whisper sweet nothings to you with flowery words
- Make you feel like you are truly special
- It’s important to note – there’s nothing wrong with being friendly or flirting on a date, but a narcissist will take charm and flirting to the next level, cranking it up to 200%.
They express affection intensely.
Narcissists often display overwhelming affection through tender and romantic gestures. These people rush in full speed to get close to you and do everything in their power to accelerate intimacy in the relationship as quickly as possible. They might say things like:
- “Wow, we’re really in sync.”
- “I think I’ve already fallen for you.”
- “I feel like I could spend my life with you.”
They dominate the conversation, leaving little room for others to speak.
This type of person loves to talk about themselves. Perhaps you can share a thing or two about yourself, but then the other person takes over, eagerly sharing stories of their own. By the end of the date, you might feel like you know everything about them, but they know very little about you.
- The general rule is that each person should speak for 20-30 seconds before giving the other a chance to respond. Of course, exceptions exist, but it’s definitely a red flag if your date consistently takes up most of the conversation without allowing you to say much.
They cleverly drop hints to fish for compliments.
Narcissistic people always have a deep-seated need to be admired and praised. Deep down, narcissists are insecure and constantly battle with feelings of inadequacy. These issues manifest as a need for validation and admiration. Of course, they won’t ask directly for compliments. Instead, they’ll make subtle comments like:
- “I probably look a mess. I only had 10 minutes to get ready.”
- “I don’t think I’m very good at picking clothes.”
- Though it sounds like the narcissist is putting themselves down, they’re actually hoping you’ll respond with something like, “No way, you look great!” or “Don’t be silly, your outfit is fantastic!”
They often brag about their achievements and talents.
People with narcissistic traits constantly crave admiration and validation. Bragging and boasting are simply ways for them to receive admiration from others, even while dating. They take pleasure in your reactions and will go to great lengths to receive compliments, even if this means bending the truth about their achievements. They might boast about subjects such as:
- The place they live
- The school they currently attend or have attended
- The possessions they own
- The famous people who are their friends
They are constantly complaining.
Complaining is a tactic for narcissists to always keep the attention on themselves. They might grumble about their food being too cold or the music at the restaurant being too loud. This is an aggressive, passive way for them to steer conversations to focus on their needs. They might say things like:
- “I can't believe we have to wait for 10 minutes.”
- “The line for movie tickets is so long.”
- “How is it that the waiter still hasn’t come? It’s been 5 minutes!”
- Narcissists tend to lack empathy and are unable to see things from other people's perspectives.
It seems like they don't have a good history with relationships.
Narcissists find it difficult to form long-lasting attachments with others. Pay attention to what your date says about their past relationships or their expectations in a new one. Relationships with narcissists typically go through several 'cycles': idealization, when they elevate the relationship; devaluation, when they treat their partner like a second-class citizen; and discard, when they break up or leave the relationship. If you're dating a narcissist, they likely don't have any positive relationships with their ex-partners.
- Most romantic relationships with a narcissist follow this cycle. In some cases, the narcissist will return to the 'idealization' phase to lure their ex back.
- Note that leaving a short-term relationship doesn't automatically mean someone is a narcissist. There are many reasons relationships don't work out—what you need to focus on is the pattern of negative behavior.
Warning
- Many narcissists display harmful behaviors over the course of dating. You may not immediately recognize all the warning signs.
