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A Narcissistic Personality is a type of character structure that includes traits used by mental health experts to describe someone who is captivating, manipulative, cold-hearted, and has the potential to commit crimes. Given how frequently this term appears in media, you might feel that narcissists are everywhere. In reality, it’s estimated that these individuals make up about one percent of the population. However, narcissists are excellent at hiding their true nature; many appear perfectly normal and charming on the surface. By evaluating a few key personality traits, observing their emotional responses, and paying attention to their relationships, you can learn to spot a narcissist in your midst.
Steps
Observe Core Traits
Notice the fake charm on the surface. Like an actor playing many roles, a narcissist wears what experts call a 'normal mask'—a friendly, likable, and easy-going demeanor. They are well-known as the life of the party and tend to attract attention wherever they go. Narcissists are highly skilled at winning people over to later manipulate them with ease.
- A narcissist exudes an air of confidence that naturally draws people in. They often have stable careers and are quite successful. They may even have a partner and children. They excel at playing the role of a 'model citizen.'
Pay attention to their inflated sense of superiority. Narcissists often have delusions of being more intelligent or powerful than they really are. They enjoy associating with successful and influential people to boost their own status. They believe they deserve privileges above everyone else.
- The narcissist's tendency to exaggerate their own importance can sometimes reveal the 'normal mask' they wear. They will readily hurt you if you have no value or status to offer them.
Observe their impulsive behavior and irresponsibility. These two traits are strong indicators of a narcissist. They fail to recognize any wrongdoings in their actions. Narcissists are notorious for being entirely unaccountable for their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. In fact, they will never admit to being responsible for the aftermath of their actions. An attitude of 'perpetual irresponsibility' such as 'I don’t feel like going to work' or 'I’ll skip the meeting and go drink' is a typical impulsive behavior they display. Their character contrasts sharply with reliable and responsible individuals.
- These individuals are selfish, often acting on whims and moods. They do whatever they want, whenever they want. This personality trait can lead to behaviors like lying, cheating, and stealing, often with no particular reason. They might indulge in casual affairs and lack fidelity. They may even quit jobs impulsively (of course, because they feel it isn’t worthy of them).
Notice their tendency to break the rules. If the person you suspect usually adheres strictly to rules, they likely don’t exhibit narcissistic traits. Narcissists despise authority and often place themselves above the law. This could explain why 25% of male prisoners meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
- However, many narcissists manage to avoid prison, even though they disregard the law and show no concern for their actions.
Look into their criminal history during adolescence. Experts have identified common traits in the youth of adults who meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists often engage in criminal behavior during their teenage years, including aggression toward others. Additionally, they may be unresponsive to pain or punishment like other children.
- Check if the person you suspect has a troubled youth. This may be a sign of narcissistic tendencies in adulthood.
Monitor their emotional responses
Consider their moral compass or personal ethics. If the person you suspect seems to have a conscience, they might not be a narcissist. Generally, narcissists have no concept of ethics. They will do whatever it takes to achieve their goals without considering the harm they cause to others.
- For example, a narcissist often does not follow the same 'standards' as others. They don’t see any problem with flirting with your partner or competing for a promotion against a close friend, even taking pleasure in doing so.
Examine their emotional responses. Narcissists exhibit shallow emotional reactions and do not respond like normal people to deaths, injuries, or events that might deeply move others.
- The difference between a narcissist's reaction and that of someone with autism is that an autistic person initially appears emotionally numb but may later drown in sorrow or frantically seek help. Narcissists, on the other hand, do not harbor any deep emotions.
Notice their sense of guilt. Narcissists have no feelings of guilt or remorse. Cruelty is one of their defining traits. A narcissist may pretend to be sorry to prevent others from becoming angry.
- For example, they might act as if they regret hurting their victim, only for the victim to end up comforting them.
- Interestingly, while they lack true compassion, those with this disorder are very skilled at pretending to empathize. They can't naturally feel empathy, but they can fake it whenever they wish (to manipulate someone, for example).
Think about whether they never take responsibility. A narcissist will never genuinely admit when they are wrong or make mistakes. When pressed, they may claim to have made a mistake but will use manipulative tactics to avoid facing the consequences.
Be wary of their pitiful demeanor. Narcissists are masters at manipulating others' emotions to make themselves appear as victims. This can make you lower your guard and become an easy target for exploitation later on. If the victim’s psychological history is consistently tied to bad, unacceptable actions, you should be cautious of their true nature.
Observe relationship patterns
Consider their tendency to escalate situations. Narcissists thrive on creating drama and chaos. They often get bored easily and need to stir things up. They may instigate arguments, only to play the victim afterward. They cause harm to others and watch it unfold with an innocent expression.
- If a narcissist is in your life, you might sometimes question your own sanity after interactions with them. For example, a narcissist at work might gossip with you about a colleague spreading rumors about you. They’ll encourage you to confront this person, and only after the confrontation will you realize that the other person was just as provoked as you.
Recognize signs of manipulation. Everyone is driven by their desire to get what they want, but narcissists are exceptionally cunning in this area. They have the ability to make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. They can use a disguise, manipulate your emotions, guilt-trip you, and employ other tricks to get you to follow their agenda.
- For instance, you might be a high-ranking manager at a company. A narcissist befriends you to extract information and identify your weaknesses. Then one day, you hear about a scandal affecting the company, and suddenly, you’re fired. Guess who’s about to take your position?
Evaluate their relationships. Some narcissists have numerous short marriages. They will blame their ex-spouses for the breakup, never acknowledging their own role in the failed marriage.
- The relationship starts with them idealizing the other person, but gradually, they lose interest when the spouse no longer seems exciting. They discard them and move on to someone new, someone they find more intriguing. They’ve never truly bonded with their spouse, which makes leaving the marriage easy for them.
Identify pathological lying. Narcissists lie about everything – trivial falsehoods to lead you astray or blatant fabrications to confuse you. Even when the truth wouldn’t hurt anyone, they’ll still lie. They take pride in their ability to deceive. And when you think you’ve caught them in a lie, they’ll twist the facts to make it seem plausible.
- Moreover, they never worry about the lies they tell. They remain calm, collected, and are experts at finding excuses for everything. They’re never flustered by anything.
Identify forced and insincere apologies. When a narcissist is cornered and forced to express regret, they may attempt to do so. However, due to their shallow emotional capacity, they struggle to deliver a convincing apology.
- You might notice inconsistency when they say, 'Honestly, I never meant to hurt you,' accompanied by a smug smile and a tone lacking in sincerity.
- If you seem unwilling to let it go, they might erupt in anger. They could say things like, 'You’re being too sensitive' or 'I thought we had already moved past this!'
