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Discover how to assert yourself with someone exhibiting malignant narcissistic traits.
Unmasking the toxic behaviors of a person with malignant narcissistic tendencies can feel overwhelming, but we’re here to guide you. By adopting a strategic, thoughtful approach and establishing clear boundaries, you can take charge of your interactions and maintain peace within your family or social environment. Remember, the goal isn’t to harm or degrade them—rise above their level of toxicity. Also, just because someone shows narcissistic tendencies doesn’t necessarily mean they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—only a licensed therapist can make that diagnosis.
Approach
Indicators of Malignant Narcissistic Traits
A person with malignant narcissistic traits may possess an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Those with narcissistic tendencies often hide deep insecurities behind an inflated self-image.
- Because narcissism leads individuals to prioritize themselves and their desires, they may act as if they are the center of attention and demand special privileges from others.
- While many people are concerned about others' feelings when forming connections, those with narcissistic tendencies might seem more focused on their own emotions and needs than on the well-being of others.
Individuals with narcissistic traits often struggle with empathy and compassion. In particular, those with malignant narcissistic tendencies may display overt apathy or even aggressive behavior. While they may not engage in physical violence, they can be verbally cruel to others.
- Many narcissistic individuals resort to gaslighting, a manipulative tactic where they convince others their perception of reality is distorted, in order to achieve their own goals or make themselves appear superior.
Malignant narcissistic traits can be linked to paranoia. While narcissism can manifest in various forms, the paranoid tendencies are often specific to malignant narcissism. A person with these traits may believe that others are plotting against them or see conspiracies when things don’t go according to their plan. Other types of narcissism include:
- Overt. These individuals are often outgoing but exhibit extreme arrogance and entitlement.
- Covert. Covert narcissists may have low self-esteem but do not display the same outward sense of superiority.
- Antagonistic. These narcissists are typically arrogant and confrontational.
- Communal. They seek external validation and may use moral superiority or concern for social causes to gain praise from others.
- Remember, diagnosing someone’s narcissistic traits is a job for a licensed therapist, not an individual.
Uncovering Their Behavior
Point out their contradictions. Those with narcissistic traits may present contradictory statements or ideas when it suits them. When you notice inconsistencies, address them in a non-combative, light-hearted manner. The person might double down on their statement or retract and admit to their dishonesty. For instance:
- Them: “I’m really sick of Melissa, she’s always complaining.”
You: “That’s funny, seems like you’re complaining right now.” - Them: “I can’t believe the party has a $10 cover.”
You: “I thought you were doing really well at work! You just got that raise, right? It shouldn't be an issue, should it?” - Them: “I can’t stand messy people.”
You: “We all slip up sometimes. Haven’t you ever accidentally worn a stained shirt to work?”
Expose their lies. If this person frequently lies to inflate their image or achieve their objectives, call out the falsehoods in a firm but respectful manner. This isn’t about taking satisfaction in seeing them squirm, but making it clear that dishonesty will not be tolerated.
- For example, if they give you incorrect directions to a party and you arrive late, they may blame you for being late to protect their own ego. Instead of engaging in an argument or quietly accepting their lie, say firmly, “That’s not correct. I would have been on time if you’d given me the right address.”
Defend those they try to put down. If this individual has a habit of belittling others to boost their own ego, step up for those they target. This can help make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable and show others that they may not be as trustworthy as they appear.
- This is especially crucial if the person holds a significant position in your social group, as lifting others up will diminish their control and influence.
- For instance, if they mock a mutual friend for doing poorly on a test, you could say, “Don’t worry about it, we all struggled with that exam—including me.”
- If they make cruel comments about someone’s appearance, you might tell the person being mocked, “Don’t let them get to you. I really like your new haircut—it looks great on you.”
Don’t let them control everything. Those with narcissistic traits often crave control, so challenging their dominance can shake them up a bit. The more you assert yourself, the more likely they are to relinquish control in certain situations.
- If they always host gatherings, consider organizing one at your place. If they always suggest a casual spot to eat, get the group excited about a fancy dinner this weekend.
- Even little things matter! If they dislike country music, throw on some Willie Nelson during a car ride. If they hate cold weather, suggest a ski trip for the next family reunion.
- This isn’t about intentionally making their experience uncomfortable, but about asserting your right to lead in social situations occasionally, rather than allowing them to dictate everything.
Speak up when they cross the line. If they say or do something offensive or hurtful, don’t let it slide—especially in front of others. Calmly confront them and explain why their behavior is unfair. Be direct but maintain your composure.
- For example, if they try to shame someone for making a mistake, you could say, “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s not your job to remind them of it.”
Prioritize your personal growth and well-being. As the saying goes, “The best revenge is living well.” Stand up for yourself and others when necessary, but don’t let this person’s actions consume you. Focus on your own growth, build stronger relationships, and seek inner peace.
- Dealing with a friend or family member with narcissistic traits can be difficult, but remember—you can’t change their behavior, and you’re not responsible for their actions.
What Comes Next
Remain calm when they lash out to maintain control. People with narcissistic tendencies often struggle with criticism and may react defensively if you challenge them. If they shout or behave irrationally, let them do so. Their actions will reveal their true nature.
- For instance, if they yell at you, you could calmly reply, “I’m sorry if I upset you. Are you okay?”
They may attempt to turn others against you. When confronted, someone with narcissistic traits might try to manipulate the situation, portraying themselves as the victim and spreading lies or rumors about you to shift public perception.
- This can feel overwhelming, but don’t lose hope. Trust that others will eventually recognize their deceit, just as you have.
- Your best approach is to brush off false accusations without giving them much attention. It's possible they’re trying to provoke a reaction, so avoid giving them that satisfaction.
How to Handle Their Behavior
Establish clear and firm boundaries with them. Setting boundaries is essential when dealing with a narcissist to manage their behavior effectively. Clearly define what you will and will not tolerate, and communicate those limits directly to them. Here’s how to set a boundary:
- Set the limit. For example, say, “You cannot put me down in front of others.”
- Explain the consequences. You might add, “If you continue to do that, I won’t invite you to hang out anymore.”
- Stand firm on your decision. They may try to argue, so calmly respond, “This is not open for discussion. It’s non-negotiable.”
- Enforce the boundary. If they cross the line and you don’t act, they may think you’re not serious. Always follow through on what you’ve said you’ll do.
Rally support from friends and family to form a coalition. Narcissistic individuals often seek admiration and attention, so gathering allies can prevent them from overpowering everyone. If you have mutual friends who are also fed up with their behavior, talk to them and let them know you plan to stand up to this person. This will give you some backup.
- You could approach a close friend and say, “Jimmy’s been really rude to us lately, and I know it bothers both of us. I’m planning to call him out next time, just wanted to check in with you and see if you’re on the same page.”
- This isn’t about ganging up on them, but seeking support. It will make you feel less isolated, and may help the person realize the impact of their actions.
Recovering from Narcissistic Behavior
Go no-contact to create distance for healing. Sometimes, the most effective solution is to sever ties with a person exhibiting narcissistic traits. Block them from your phone, remove them from your social media, and stop engaging with them. This space will allow you to heal. Don’t feel guilty for cutting them out—you’ll ultimately be better off.
- This can be especially difficult if they’re a close family member, you share many mutual friends, or they’re a colleague.
- If you can’t go completely no-contact, try to limit the amount of time you spend interacting with them.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 1241 Mytour readers, and 72% of them agreed that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to cut off or limit contact with them. [Take Poll]
Seek professional help if you’ve experienced abuse. Any form of abuse can leave deep emotional scars, and getting professional help can significantly speed up your healing process. Look for a psychologist, therapist, or counselor in your area and reach out to them. They can provide you with the tools and support needed for recovery.
- You can find affordable, qualified therapists nearby by visiting BetterHelp.
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Not everyone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is toxic, and many individuals with NPD can manage their behavior with the help of therapy and/or medication.
