Buzz
Understanding what it means to be flaky, why some people act this way, and more
Flaky individuals are those you can't depend on to follow through with plans or take responsibility. Handling a flake can be frustrating, as they often leave you in the lurch. However, this doesn't make them inherently bad people. It's a matter of adjusting your expectations and learning to navigate their unpredictable behavior. To help you understand and manage flaky friends, we spoke with licensed counselor William Schroeder, who provided insights into the top signs of a flake, how to handle them, and what causes this behavior.
Recognizing a Flake
Flaky friends often cancel plans at the last minute or are consistently late. They might also leave events abruptly or fail to communicate reliably. When it comes to important commitments, they're often careless or neglectful.
What You Can Do
What Does Being Flaky Really Mean?
Being 'flaky' means being unreliable or difficult to plan things with. We've all had that one friend who constantly bails last minute or doesn't follow through with commitments. You might try to arrange plans, but they cancel or just don't show up. The term ‘flake’ comes from how paint chips off a wall—it's the same idea, something that doesn't stick around or fulfill its purpose.
- Flakiness can manifest in many ways, but it's most often used to describe people who back out of social engagements.
Signs You’re Dealing with a Flake
They frequently cancel plans. If you’re often getting let down by last-minute cancellations, you might be dealing with a flake. It’s not uncommon for flaky people to cancel at the 11th hour or not show up at all. If this becomes a pattern, it’s a red flag.
- For example, you could plan to go see a movie, but they text you on the day saying something came up.
- Another scenario might be receiving a message the day before your plans, saying, 'I’m not feeling well. Let’s cancel tomorrow's hangout just to be safe.'
They’re often late or leave early. According to licensed counselor William Schroeder, flaky people can struggle with managing their time. This shows up when they’re late to appointments, work, or social events. They also tend to duck out of gatherings earlier than expected. If you find yourself telling them to show up earlier than others just to ensure they’re on time, chances are they might be a flake.
- For example, you might have plans for a 12:00 p.m. coffee date, but they show up around 12:30 p.m.
They’re inconsistent when it comes to responding to calls or texts. Flaky individuals may occasionally reply promptly, but more often than not, their responses are delayed or they simply don't reply at all. This can be frustrating, especially when you're trying to make plans. Take note of how frequently they leave you hanging to figure out if they might be a flake.
- For instance, you might text, “Are you going to the party on Friday?” and receive a vague response like, “Maybe! How about you?” a day later.
- Alternatively, they might not respond at all, and when you see them at the event, they might say, “Oh! I meant to text you back!”
Tip: Keep in mind that some people may not return texts or calls because they’re overwhelmed, struggling with depression, or experiencing anxiety. Try not to assume the worst about someone who isn’t getting back to you right away.
They often fail to follow through on responsibilities. Since flaky people have trouble staying organized, they often drop the ball when it comes to fulfilling their obligations. They might miss deadlines at work or school, or neglect their personal responsibilities like cleaning. If you find that you can't count on them to follow through, they might be a flake.
- For example, if you’re working with them on a group project, you might end up doing most of the work.
- Or, if you live with them, you might notice they rarely contribute to household chores.
They often forget important things, like your birthday. One of the key traits of flaky people is forgetfulness. In addition to losing their belongings, they may forget important dates, conversations, or details you’ve shared with them. Pay attention to how often they forget crucial information that matters to you.
- For example, they might forget your birthday or an important anniversary.
- Or they could overlook something significant like the passing of your pet or your request for help moving.
They promise more than they can actually deliver. Flaky individuals tend to overcommit to big projects or offer help that they never fully follow through on. Sometimes they’ll abandon the task altogether, or only deliver part of what they promised. Observe how well they fulfill their commitments to see if they might be a flake.
- For example, a colleague might say they’ll prepare a huge presentation but only send over a few slides.
- Similarly, a friend might volunteer to help you organize a mutual friend’s birthday party but only bring a couple of random supplies.
They tend to be unpredictable or spontaneous. Flaky people are often driven by impulse and curiosity, making their actions difficult to predict. While this can make them exciting to be around, especially when you’re able to catch up with them, it’s less enjoyable when it becomes a constant issue. Ask yourself if they frequently change plans or act on a whim when you're hanging out with them.
- For instance, imagine you’re spending a Saturday evening with a flaky friend. Out of nowhere, they suggest going on a spontaneous scavenger hunt or jump into the car with no clear destination.
They often act recklessly or irresponsibly. Their impulsive nature sometimes leads flaky people into behaviors that could harm their well-being. These actions can be frustrating, especially when you find yourself helping them out afterward. Look out for patterns of these behaviors, including:
- Smoking
- Excessive drinking
- Overindulging in unhealthy foods
- Splurging on unnecessary purchases
- Driving recklessly
- Engaging in risky sexual behavior
How to Deal with Flaky Individuals
Consider if there may be a deeper issue and show patience. As Schroeder points out, some people appear flaky because they struggle with organization or lead very hectic, chaotic lives. Others might be dealing with underlying conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADHD. While their behavior can be hurtful, they’re likely not doing it on purpose. Try to understand the root causes behind their actions.
- However, don't try to diagnose someone with a mental health issue. Simply acknowledge that there might be deeper factors influencing their behavior.
Have a conversation with them about specific actions that upset you. You deserve respect and shouldn’t bear the weight of someone else's behavior. When your flaky friend or partner does something that bothers you, Schroeder recommends you calmly express what they did and how it made you feel. Then, talk about how they can improve moving forward.
- For example, if your partner is often flaky and forgets to do the dishes, you might say, “When the dishes aren’t done in the morning, it stresses me out, and I end up doing them for you. What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
- Or if your friend is frequently late, you could say, “I feel unimportant when you don’t show up on time. What changes can help you arrive when we agree?”
Adapt your plans to work around their flakiness. While it would be great if they could stop being flaky, it's a tough habit to break. They might appreciate your flexibility more than you realize. To make things easier for both of you, Schroeder recommends compromising and acknowledging their flakiness when making plans. Here are some ways to adjust:
- Build some buffer time into your schedule to account for their lateness.
- Pick an activity you can do while waiting for them.
- Let them take charge of choosing where to go and what to do.
- Avoid making plans entirely dependent on them.
- Don’t rely on them for transportation.
- Invite other people so you can still go if they back out.
Invite them to events they’re less likely to flake on. According to Schroeder, some flaky individuals have particular events or activities they don’t enjoy, making them more likely to bail. When they’re having fun, however, they tend to be spontaneous and enjoyable to be around. Pay attention to which events they actually show up for, or ask them what they enjoy the most, and plan around those interests to increase the odds of them following through.
Let them face the consequences of neglecting their responsibilities. Cleaning up someone else's mess can be frustrating, and you might start feeling resentment when you have to constantly pick up the slack for a flaky partner or coworker. But it’s not your job to clean up after them. If they fail to do something, leave it to them to take care of.
- For example, if your roommate leaves clothes in the hallway, don't pick them up—leave them there until they deal with it.
- If your friend is late for a movie, don’t miss out—go ahead and enjoy the movie without them.
- If a coworker submits a half-finished report, email them and copy your boss on it, saying, “Here is the report I received from you. Half of the data is missing. Is this your final version?” This not only alerts your boss but also ensures you get credit for any extra work you do.
Give them time to develop responsibility, if possible. Many flaky people eventually grow into more responsible individuals as they mature, but it might take them longer than others. Keep in mind that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. You may need to be patient with them while they work on being more organized and accountable.
- If your partner is flaky, this could mean a more relaxed household with fewer chores. You might also decide to delay major commitments like marriage or starting a family.
- If a coworker is flaky, avoid giving them tasks that demand a lot of organization.
Praise them when they follow through on their commitments. The best way to encourage a flaky person to improve their behavior is to acknowledge their successes. When they arrive on time, keep their plans, or remember something important, let them know you appreciate it. This can motivate them to repeat those behaviors.
- For instance, you could say, “I really appreciate you coming to my birthday party tonight! I noticed you were early, and that made me feel so good!”
Walk away from the friendship if it becomes too overwhelming. If your friend shows no effort to change their behavior, and it’s causing you harm, it might be time to consider ending the friendship. You don’t have to make a scene—simply stop extending invitations. If they ask why, explain calmly that you couldn’t rely on them and grew tired of hoping for change.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 276 Mytour readers to find out what behavior they believe signals that someone isn't a true friend. 49% of them said: only reaching out when they need something. [Take Poll] If your friend is simply flaky, it may not be intentional. But if you feel they are taking advantage of you, it’s even more reason to let go of the relationship.
Esther Perel, Psychotherapist
Friendships stir up deep emotions and real feelings. "We often reserve the term 'love story' for romantic relationships. But friendship is its own type of love story, one that involves boundaries, expectations, loyalty, and the pain of having your feelings hurt."
What causes people to be flaky?
They struggle with time management. As Schroeder points out, many flaky people just haven’t mastered the art of time management. They often say yes to too many things and then become overwhelmed. Sometimes they forget to write things down, making it easy for plans to slip their minds or get missed altogether.
- With some time, experience, and the lessons learned from the consequences of their actions, this is a skill they can likely improve.
They may have a mental health issue that complicates commitment. For some, flakiness is beyond their control, especially if they are dealing with a mental health condition or other personal challenges that make sticking to commitments difficult. Conditions such as ADHD, depression, or memory problems can make this behavior more frequent.
- Remember, in many cases, flakiness can be just as frustrating for the person as it is for you.
They’re naturally introverted. For many, socializing can be a challenge due to their introverted nature. They may quickly run out of energy in social settings or feel uneasy in certain environments, making them more likely to cancel plans if they’re unsure or overwhelmed.
- In these situations, patience and understanding go a long way. Let them know you’re excited to spend time with them, but also respect their need for space if they decide to cancel. It’s not personal—they might just need some time alone to recharge.
They have a different perspective on plans and commitments. Sometimes, the issue is simply a difference in values or cultural background. They might not see social events as a priority in the same way you do. Alternatively, they may assume that whether they show up or not won’t impact the outcome, believing you’ll go ahead with the plan regardless.
- If this is the case, it’s important to clarify your expectations and make sure you're both on the same page. Open communication can prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary frustration over flakiness.
