Buzz
It can be painful to realize that someone close to you, whether a partner or a friend, might be using you. However, there are several warning signs and red flags that can help you spot this. If the relationship feels unbalanced, don't ignore it or accept it as normal. It's crucial to recognize what might be wrong before you can address the issue properly.
Key Points to Consider
- There are several warning signs to watch for that may suggest someone is taking advantage of you.
- For example, they may only reach out when they need something or when it's most convenient for them.
- They might frequently break promises without any consequences and expect you to stay quiet about it.
- If you feel like you're being used, you don't have to tolerate it. You have the power to stand up for yourself and establish healthy boundaries.
How to Take Action
Contemplating Your Relationship
Reflect on your own involvement in the situation. It's important to recognize that people can only take advantage of you if you allow it. Ask yourself if you might be enabling this. If your self-esteem is low, you may tend to be overly accommodating and go along with others' wishes, which can lead you to feel used.
- Don't beat yourself up for allowing others to take advantage of you. Instead, focus on making better choices moving forward.
Seek clarification about the relationship's status. In many relationships, confusion about the nature of the bond can arise, particularly if the other person is hesitant to label the relationship or doesn’t make a clear distinction between their feelings for you and for others. This can happen when someone refuses to call you their “girlfriend”, “boyfriend”, or “partner” around others. You may also encounter this when a “best friend” calls several others their “best friend,” making you question the depth of the friendship.
- Often, this hesitation arises because the other person wants to keep their options open or isn’t ready to commit fully but still enjoys the perks of being close to you.
- If you're in this situation, ask the other person how they define the relationship and where they envision it going in the future.
- If their view doesn't align with your desires, consider either distancing yourself or adjusting your expectations of the relationship.
Notice when you spend time together. Pay close attention to the reasons behind your time together. For example, if you only hang out when the other person is bored or needs something (such as listening to their complaints about family), when it's always a solo encounter (like late-night hangouts), or when you’re just filling in as a date for an event or last-minute companion, it might signal that you are being used.
- In these instances, the other person’s desires not only overshadow yours but also control one of the most essential elements of any relationship – when you actually spend time together.
- If this is happening, assess whether this arrangement is worth it to you. If it’s upsetting, decide if you want to confront the situation and express your feelings.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1674 Mytour readers, and 52% agreed that the most glaring red flag someone might be using you is if you feel like they are friends with you for your money. [Take Poll]
Observe when you’re not spending time together. Similarly, watch for instances when you’re excluded. Are you rarely invited to gatherings at your supposed friend's place? Does a colleague always stop by your desk after meetings to borrow your notes but never invite you out for lunch? When you need support, are they impossible to reach? While occasional forgetfulness is normal, consistent avoidance suggests the relationship might not be as you expected.
- Just as the other person can control when you spend time together, they can also control when you don’t.
- In such cases, you need to decide whether to address the issue with the other person or emotionally distance yourself from a relationship that no longer meets your needs.
Don’t tolerate empty promises and inaction. When someone repeatedly says they’ll do something but fails to follow through, it becomes frustrating, especially if this becomes a regular occurrence. This erodes trust in the individual and the relationship. Often, commitments are made along with requests or expectations from you. So, take note if something is asked of you when promises are made, but then forgotten or neglected.
- If you notice this pattern, resist doing what's being requested or directly address the issue with the person involved.
Don’t accept broken promises. People who use others are often the ones who break promises without hesitation. This usually signals that they are prioritizing something or someone else over you, and it may indicate that they aren't serious about you or see you as insignificant. It could also mean they view you as someone who won't cause trouble, even when taken advantage of.
- If you find yourself in this situation, speak up about how you feel.
- If things don’t change, it may be time to part ways. There are better relationships out there where people honor their word and treat you with respect.
Reflect on mixed signals. Pay attention if there’s a discrepancy between what someone says to you and what they say about you. For example, does your sister express love and appreciation for you but complain to your mother that you're always absent when she needs you? Or does a co-worker praise you for your help but talk behind your back about how incompetent you are?
- If someone speaks kindly to you but acts differently, it’s a sign of disrespect. Remember, actions reveal true intentions.
- If someone gossips about you or behaves differently around others, beware of ulterior motives or possible jealousy.
- Consider the true nature of your relationship with this person and decide how to either distance yourself from them or handle the situation, especially if you still have to interact with them regularly.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Dating Specialist
Dating Specialist
Relationships should be clear, not confusing. If you find yourself questioning your worth in the relationship, it’s time to assess the overall dynamic. Communication issues and a lack of reciprocity can often signal deeper problems lurking beneath the surface.
Consider Your Communication With the Other Person
Shift the conversation away from the other person. The pattern is clear: it’s all about them. They talk endlessly about their family, their work, their struggles, and what they want or need from you. They rarely show concern for your time or interests, often dominating the conversation.
- If you find yourself in this situation, try changing the topic to something they’d still find interesting, but not centered on them. If that doesn’t work, consider ending the conversation; they may eventually notice.
Pay attention to how little they listen to you. Notice how much the other person knows about you. Does your partner know why you disliked growing up in Buffalo? Does your neighbor, who’s always rushing, cut the conversation short whenever you talk about something important, like your work or family? This is likely another instance of it being all about them. If someone shows no genuine interest in learning about you or your life, their intentions may not be as sincere as they seem.
- Address this issue with them and make it clear when it happens.
Demand consistent communication. Someone who is using you will often ignore your calls, texts, and emails unless they feel like responding. When you only hear from them at their convenience, it’s a clear sign that you’re not a priority. This could also mean they only reach out when they need something, like being the designated driver for a friend's bachelor party.
- If this happens, express that their behavior feels disrespectful and ask for more timely communication. If nothing changes, stop doing whatever they ask when they finally get in touch.
Make it clear that your opinion matters. Does this person consider your needs and thoughts before making decisions—especially decisions that affect you? For example, does your roommate assume you'll drive everywhere without considering your need to save money or preserve your car’s mileage? If your desires are consistently overlooked, you’re being taken advantage of.
- Tell them that you feel unappreciated and insist on discussing decisions that impact both of you before they’re made.
Confront avoidance tactics. You ask direct questions, but all you get are vague or evasive answers. This leaves you guessing about the situation and where things are headed. It’s time to be upfront. Ask your partner why you're always excluded from their regular Friday night hangouts with friends. Or invite your business partner to lunch to discuss the lack of progress on a project due to their failure to respond to key emails.
Challenge comparisons and one-upmanship. Some people feel insecure and seek to boost their self-worth by constantly one-upping others. Whether it's showing off their superior possessions, experiences, or methods, they’re often using you—either romantically or platonically—to feed their ego and feel better about themselves.
- If this behavior is frequent, ask the person why they want to be around you when, in their view, your things or actions always seem inferior.
Be cautious of betrayal. True friendship is built on trust. If someone doesn’t honor the concept of “What’s said here, stays here,” you should be wary. If you can't open up to someone without fearing judgment, it’s probably better not to confide in them at all. Sadly, many people learn this the hard way, through having their trust broken.
- To avoid future hurt, remember who you can trust and keep sensitive matters to yourself when in doubt.
Finding the Right Balance
Reduce how much you help. Do you frequently find yourself running errands for your boss that go beyond your role, constantly babysitting your cousin’s kids, always bailing your son out of trouble, or doing your study partner’s work just to get it over with? Do you cancel plans just to comfort someone who had a rough day? If these scenarios sound familiar and you're doing these things for free on a regular basis, you’re likely being taken advantage of.
- Consider how often the other person helps you. For instance, if they leave dirty dishes for you to clean and expect you to cook dinner as well, that’s a subtle form of disrespect.
- It's essential to set clear boundaries when dealing with people who take advantage. For example, you might decide not to answer calls after 9 p.m. even if they claim it’s an emergency. Be firm about your boundaries and follow through with consequences if they disregard them.
- If they’re not reciprocating in any way, it’s time to pull back. You’ll likely face resistance, but kindly explain your reasons. After that, it’s up to them to adjust.
Make sure borrowed items or ideas are returned. Your friend still hasn’t paid back the $300 you lent them weeks ago, or a colleague takes credit for an idea you came up with. If someone constantly borrows from you without returning the favor or giving proper credit, they are essentially taking from you. Borrowing without returning or acknowledging is just another form of using you.
- If it's material items, ask for the return of what’s been borrowed before agreeing to lend anything again. If they don't return it, don’t lend them anything else.
- If it’s an idea they’ve taken, decide whether it’s worth addressing or not. If it’s not worth the trouble, just be more cautious about what you share and with whom in the future.
Don’t spend more than you can afford on them. Add up how much this person is costing you—whether it’s your partner living rent-free or only paying utilities, or you always picking up the bill when you go out with friends or family. If the total is high, it could mean that your relationship is off-balance, and you may be being used financially and emotionally. Assess whether you want to continue providing this support, or if it’s time to set limits.
- For major expenses like rent or living costs, let them know what you’ve decided, and why. Be clear about how and when you’ll implement changes.
- For smaller things, like picking up the check, only pay for your share. If your friend forgets their wallet again, casually remind them the next time by saying something like, “Don’t forget your wallet next time.”
Stop rushing to their rescue all the time. Count the number of times you've been the one to help with urgent tasks like moving furniture or watching pets while they’re on vacation. Consider how often they are involved in some drama and need you, yet how rarely they’re there for you when you’re in need. Subtract how often they’ve helped you out, and you’ll likely see a clear pattern of whether you’re being used.
- Think back to the last time they did something for you just because they wanted to, without you asking. Or surprised you with a gift, a card, or a nice gesture.
- Now ask yourself if this “relationship” is paying off for you in a way that feels fair and rewarding.
Resist the urge to try harder. In a relationship where you feel used, it’s tempting to work even harder to make it succeed. But this can lead you to neglect your own needs. You may convince yourself that it’s okay because you care about the person or believe they need you. However, this feeling is often fleeting, as healthy relationships require mutual give and take. Sometimes, you're stuck in a situation where you can’t easily avoid the relationship, such as at work or with certain family members.
- Be cautious not to fall into the caretaker or martyr role. While taking care of others can make you feel important and fill unmet needs, it can ultimately harm you in the long run.
- If you find yourself trying to please someone, pause to reflect. Write down your feelings and ask yourself: a) Is this action taking away from your own needs? b) Will it go unappreciated? c) Will it fail to address the problem?
- If you answer 'yes' to all three questions, choose to do something that benefits you instead.
Address your feelings of resentment. When you begin to feel the imbalance in a relationship and can no longer ignore it, resentment often builds. This can manifest as irritation, and depending on your personality, that irritation might come out in ways you later regret. The situation could lead to consequences you weren’t prepared to deal with, making you feel bad about yourself.
- To avoid reaching this point, initiate a calm conversation in a neutral setting. Share your feelings of resentment with the other person. Be aware that it might not go as you hope, but remember, things weren’t great before the discussion either.
- Trust your instincts. When your mind and your heart are at odds, listen to your gut.
- If you suspect someone is using you for money, cut them off. If they vanish from your life, you’ve got your answer.
- Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you're being mistreated, let the person know that you recognize it and that you won’t tolerate it in the future.
