Buzz
It’s never pleasant to be told you’re self-centered. A self-centered person tends to focus primarily on themselves and shows limited concern for others. We all like to think of ourselves as empathetic and considerate, paying attention to others' feelings just as much as our own. However, it's easy to slip into a pattern where you focus more on your own thoughts and needs. Recognizing if you exhibit traits of being self-centered can help you adjust your behavior and mindset to be more mindful of the emotions and needs of those around you.
Steps
Assessing Whether You Are Self-Centered
Reflect on your conversations. Self-centeredness tends to become most evident in the way we interact with others. Becoming more conscious of the flow of your conversations can reveal whether you lean towards being self-absorbed. After a conversation, ask yourself some of the following questions:
- Who took the lead in the conversation?
- Who dominated the discussion?
- Did you discover something new about the other person?
- Did you ask any questions about their life, outside of your own experiences?
Assess your listening abilities. Self-centered individuals often redirect conversations back to themselves, instead of truly listening to others and appreciating their viewpoints. If you're self-absorbed, you might not seem to listen to what others are saying at all. Reflect on whether you’re an active listener who genuinely engages with others, or if you only wait for a pause to change the topic to yourself.
- Ask yourself if you genuinely heard what the other person said, as well as their tone. Did they share something new about themselves? Did you show interest by asking questions, nodding, or acknowledging their points? If they were upset, did you notice, and if so, how long did it take you to realize?
Pay attention to your feelings after social interactions. Do you ever feel like conversations are more of a competition? Did you find yourself struggling for talking time or having to interrupt just to get your points across? Do you often feel the need for your story to outshine someone else’s? These could indicate self-centered tendencies.
- Another sign of being self-absorbed is focusing more on being right or winning an argument, rather than understanding the other person’s perspective or ideas.
- If you feel drained after a conversation, especially if you become moody or sulky when you don’t “win” the conversation, it might be a sign of self-absorption.
Reflect on how much you consider the feelings of others. A typical trait of a self-absorbed person is a lack of empathy, especially when it comes to understanding others’ feelings. If you seldom think about how your friends or family are feeling, you might be self-centered. It's perfectly okay to care about your own happiness, but it’s important that others, particularly loved ones, never feel ignored or invisible.
- If your actions routinely upset others and you aren’t aware of how you’re affecting them, it may be time to work on your empathy and focus less on your own needs.
Consider if you often think about how others perceive you in social situations. Self-centered individuals tend to approach social encounters with a desire to appear interesting, charming, or remarkable. You might be self-absorbed if you often leave a conversation thinking that you did well in seeming smart, cool, or intriguing, without reflecting on the other people involved.
- Do you spend a lot of time replaying the conversation in your mind, recalling how often you made people laugh or wondering who was attracted to you in the social setting? These are signs of self-absorption.
Assess how you react to constructive feedback. Self-absorbed individuals tend to reject or ignore feedback from others. While it’s important not to let negative feedback affect you too much, consistently disregarding others’ opinions or becoming defensive can harm your personal and professional relationships. Notice if your first instinct to criticism is to get angry or defensive instead of trying to understand the other person’s viewpoint.
Consider if you tend to blame others when things don’t go right. If you forget to pay a bill or miss a deadline at work, do you instinctively blame everyone around you? If this is your typical reaction, it could be a sign of self-centeredness, where you might genuinely believe that you’re never at fault or capable of making mistakes.
Reflect on generational differences. Studies indicate that younger generations, particularly Millennials (born between 1980 and 2000), may display more self-absorption than their predecessors. Having grown up amidst crises that deeply impacted their lives, their apparent self-focus might simply be a coping mechanism. However, this explanation doesn’t justify it. Learning to care for others and love them can be an even better way to cope and can help you discover your true self.
- Regardless of generational context, no one enjoys spending time with people so absorbed in themselves that they disregard others. Compassion and care for others are learned behaviors, and it’s always possible to start learning them.
Overcoming Self-Centered Behaviors
Stop seeking or expecting constant praise. Self-centered individuals often anticipate compliments from others. If you crave compliments and feel entitled to them, you might be displaying signs of self-absorption. It’s perfectly fine to appreciate a compliment when it’s unexpected, but feeling like you deserve praise simply for being you is a characteristic of self-centeredness.
- Compliments should be pleasant surprises, not something you feel entitled to.
Be more open to different approaches. If you find it difficult to accept alternate methods of doing things, you might believe that your way is the only right way. Whether it’s at work or in organizing an event, if you insist on doing everything your way and resist others taking control, it could signal a need for more flexibility. You may struggle with not getting credit or admitting others were right, but learning to let go of this can foster openness.
- If you feel anger or frustration when someone proposes a different approach, even if it’s just a lab partner with a new idea, your ego might be hindering your progress.
Release any feelings of jealousy regarding others’ successes. People who tend to focus on themselves might find it hard to celebrate others’ accomplishments. Whether it's a sibling getting praised for excellent grades or a coworker being recognized for completing a significant project, the appropriate response should be happiness for their success. If you feel jealous, frustrated, or confused about not receiving the same attention, it may be a sign that you need to work on shifting your perspective and becoming less self-centered.
Check if you remember important events in the lives of others. If you often forget your friends’ birthdays, graduations, promotions, or other important milestones but expect them to remember your personal moments, it might point to self-absorption. Everyone misses a milestone occasionally, but consistently forgetting the significant events in others' lives could mean you’re too focused on your own world.
- Reflect on your organizational habits. If you tend to forget these occasions and struggle with remembering appointments or meetings, you might just be disorganized. Alternatively, if you have Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, this forgetfulness could be attributed to the disorder, not self-absorption.
Build friendships with people of varying personalities. Those who are self-absorbed may avoid forming relationships with outgoing, talkative people who attract a lot of attention. Instead, they prefer to surround themselves with more passive or introverted people to maintain the focus on themselves. If you recognize this tendency in yourself, work on building connections with individuals of different personalities. Interacting with both extroverted and introverted people will help you grow socially.
- This extends to relationships as well. If you feel uncomfortable with partners who steal the spotlight, it may be because you don’t like the attention being shifted away from you.
Practice kindness toward everyone. Self-centered individuals often come across as rude or dismissive because they don’t think others deserve their time or attention. Whether you're short with waitstaff, indifferent toward coworkers, or habitually late for dinner with close friends, this behavior signals that you prioritize yourself over others. Even if that’s not your intention, it can make you seem selfish.
- Self-absorbed people are quick to feel upset when mistreated but often fail to recognize the hypocrisy of their own behavior. Being mindful of how you wish to be treated—and extending the same respect to others—can improve your relationships and how people perceive you.
Developing Greater Compassion
Increase your awareness. Many of us are unaware of how little attention we pay to others and their emotions. To enhance your awareness, try stepping back from your own behavior and objectively observing yourself. Once you recognize your actions, you can begin to make conscious changes. A great way to increase self-awareness is by asking yourself questions after spending time with a friend:
- “What did I do to ensure the conversation wasn’t all about me and my interests?”
- “What did I learn about my friend, her feelings, or her circumstances today?”
Make a habit of asking questions when you spend time with others. Asking questions is a great way to show that you are fully engaged and interested in someone else’s perspective. Whether chatting with a friend or acquaintance, inquire about how they feel regarding a particular situation. Ask how they achieved a goal or managed a difficult task. People appreciate when others show genuine interest in their lives. You may be surprised by how open people can be when you ask the right questions.
- At work, you might ask a colleague how they would approach a project. Focus on listening to their thoughts and suggestions, rather than pushing your own ideas.
Apologize when you’ve hurt someone’s feelings. Those who are self-centered may not consider how their actions affect others, as they’re often oblivious to others’ emotions. If you’re striving to be more considerate, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and apologize when you realize you’ve hurt them.
- Make your apology heartfelt. The words matter less than the sincerity behind them. Even if your apology feels awkward at first, that’s okay—it will become easier with practice. And as you practice more, the need for apologies will likely decrease.
Be present during conversations. Avoid interrupting to insert your own experiences before the other person has finished sharing. Pay attention to what they are saying, and aim to grow from the discussion—even if you don’t get a chance to speak. You should listen attentively enough that you could later recount the conversation and recall key phrases.
- This shows people that you’re truly listening and respecting their words. It’s also important to stay flexible when listening—don’t come into the conversation with a fixed stance. Let yourself be open to others’ ideas, and pay attention well enough to summarize their story and express how they felt.
Take a genuine interest in others. Show that you care about your friends even when you’re not with them. If someone close to you is having a tough time, reach out with a thoughtful message or gesture to show that you’re thinking about them. Remember details from your last conversation and follow up with questions or comments about it. Small acts of kindness, like checking in on someone’s feelings, can show you care.
- Don’t just tell someone you care—demonstrate it through your actions. This means not only listening but also valuing their opinions. For example, you could ask for their advice on a big decision, like a significant purchase. Seeking their opinion shows that you truly value them.
Help others. Step away from focusing on yourself and spend time helping those in need. Volunteer at a local food bank or charity. Practice doing things for others without expecting anything in return. This will strengthen your empathy and concern for others.
- Ensure you value your friendships for their own sake and not just for the benefits they bring you. Stop using others or situations purely for your personal advantage.
Foster positive self-esteem and self-love. The distinction between self-love and self-centeredness can be tricky. It's essential to love and acknowledge yourself while also ensuring that you give space for others to be seen and heard. Healthy self-esteem helps prevent others from treating you poorly, but it shouldn't justify harming others for your own benefit.
- Self-love thrives on balance. When you show compassion for both yourself and others, you avoid being self-absorbed.
-
Read books that focus on boosting self-esteem, managing emotions like anger, and practicing patience. There are plenty of resources that can help you with this journey.
-
If someone mentions that you seem self-absorbed, don't dismiss them as rude or envious. Instead, consider that you might be unintentionally hurting their feelings. They may just be trying to help you, not insult you.
-
When hearing someone else's opinion, approach it with empathy and respect. If you don't agree, gently offer your perspective, but be careful not to belittle theirs.
Be Aware of These Warnings
- Don't be shocked if people start setting boundaries with you and limit their time in your presence. This is a typical reaction, as those who aren't self-absorbed realize they can't change your behavior. If they begin to distance themselves, it's a clear sign that your self-centeredness has become overwhelming for them.
