How to Identify Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of handling conflict that doesn't actually resolve the issue, and it can even damage relationships. Individuals with passive-aggressive behavior often present a facade of agreement initially but then act in contradictory ways. People may describe such individuals as 'two-faced.' These people suppress feelings like disagreement, anger, frustration, or hurt without expressing them to the person causing the harm (the 'passive' part). Later, they might act in an 'aggressive' way, subtly undermining or hurting the other person as a form of retaliation. Do you suspect you're dealing with passive-aggressive behavior? Learn how to recognize this behavior to address issues in personal relationships.

Pay attention to behavior that makes you angry. Passive-aggressive individuals often enjoy provoking others and making them lose their composure, while maintaining a calm demeanor and acting as if they haven't done anything wrong. If you feel that someone is deliberately irritating you while appearing friendly and composed, you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive person. For example, you might notice that your roommate often uses your makeup, even after you've asked her not to. If you express your frustration and she responds with silence, this could be passive-aggressive behavior. She may pretend not to know you're upset or even seem pleased with having annoyed you.

Recognize 'backhanded compliments'. A passive-aggressive person may offer compliments that carry a sarcastic undertone. These are actually insults disguised as praise. The person receiving the 'compliment' might not realize the offense, but the one giving it feels satisfaction from their act.

• For example, a passive-aggressive individual might congratulate a rival colleague on their promotion with a comment like, 'Congratulations! That's great! After all these years, you finally made it.' This comment implies that the person being praised has been unsuccessful for taking so long to achieve this milestone.

Reflect on times they have broken promises or failed to keep commitments. Passive-aggressive individuals often make promises but then break them as a form of retaliation. Some may intentionally fail to meet commitments to disappoint others.

• For instance, your friend might agree to help you with some household chores, but on the morning she’s supposed to help, she texts saying she’s too sick to come. This might be understandable once or twice, but if this happens consistently, she might be displaying passive-aggressive behavior.

Consider their sulking, withdrawing, and silent treatment. Passive-aggressive people often refuse to express what's bothering them—they may say they're fine outwardly, but inside, they harbor resentment.

• For example, your passive-aggressive friend might insist, 'I'm not angry!' but she clearly shows irritation by remaining silent during a disagreement, refusing to answer calls, or not replying to your messages.
  However, it’s important to note that some people struggle to express their emotions, but this doesn’t necessarily make them passive-aggressive. A truly passive-aggressive person exhibits sulking or withdrawal along with other signs of passive-aggressive behavior, especially when they suddenly lash out in anger or subtly undermine the relationship.

Observe how they treat others. In a new relationship, a person, even one who is highly passive-aggressive, might initially restrain their behavior towards you. However, you can often spot signs of passive-aggressive behavior by observing how they interact with others, such as ex-partners or authority figures like parents or bosses.

• Does this person frequently gossip behind others' backs without confronting them directly about things that bother them? Do they often agree with others only to disappoint them later? Do they withhold affection, concern, or use children as bargaining tools (for example, in relationships with ex-spouses or parents)? These are common traits of a passive-aggressive personality.
  Remember, even though they may not treat you poorly at first, once the relationship becomes closer, there’s a good chance you will be treated similarly to how they treat others.

Pay attention to their use of sarcasm. Many people use sarcasm for humor, but some individuals continuously use it to mask the fact that they cannot express their true feelings.

• Remember, passive-aggressive people often cannot express their feelings in the moment, so they suppress their frustration or anger and deal with it later. This frustration or anger may surface briefly through sarcasm, especially in the form of biting, cruel remarks.

Identify the patterns. Almost everyone, even healthy individuals, may exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors like sarcasm, breaking promises, making excuses, avoiding confrontation, and expressing false gratitude at some point.

• The problem with passive-aggressive people is that these behaviors become habitual and can damage relationships due to their repeated nature.

Be direct. You should address the person directly but calmly, letting them know how their behavior has impacted you. Focus on your feelings rather than blaming them. For instance, instead of saying, 'You ruined our project,' try saying, 'I feel like our project didn't go well, and I'd like us to do better next time.'

• If you tell them their actions are hurting you, they'll likely deny it (keep in mind, passive-aggressive individuals avoid discussing their feelings—they definitely don’t want to be confronted!). Stick to the facts and provide examples, but be prepared for them to resist and deny everything.

Try to understand them. A passive-aggressive person may be hiding feelings of insecurity or past issues from their childhood, making it difficult for them to express themselves effectively.

• If they’re willing to open up, and you approach the conversation with empathy and without judgment, you might gain insight into the underlying reasons for their passive-aggressive behavior.
• Ask them about their childhood, past relationships (especially those that ended badly), or situations in their life that might have triggered these behaviors. Remember that passive-aggressive behavior is often a coping mechanism for people who’ve experienced negative events that made them feel vulnerable and powerless.

Decide if this relationship is worth saving. Based on how the person responds when you confront them about their passive-aggressive behavior, you can gauge whether there’s a chance to salvage the relationship or if they seem unwilling to change.

• Sometimes, avoidance is the only strategy to avoid being a victim of passive-aggressive behavior. But if the person acknowledges their actions and is willing to improve, there are ways to enhance your relationship through effective communication strategies.

Building Trust. In any relationship, both parties need trust to communicate effectively without resorting to passive-aggressive behaviors.

• Trust in the relationship: To feel comfortable expressing your true feelings when hurt, offended, or angry, you need to trust that you will still be accepted and loved, no matter what you say or do. Building trust takes time and can only be achieved when both parties consistently demonstrate reliability and stay supportive, no matter the circumstances.
• Trust in the individual: To speak up, a passive-aggressive person needs to feel valued, believing that their thoughts and feelings deserve to be heard. Especially in a romantic relationship, your partner needs to develop self-confidence to nurture the relationship and succeed in other connections. You can read this helpful article from Mytour for advice on building self-confidence.

Learn to recognize your own emotions. This step is crucial for both individuals in a passive-aggressive relationship. Often, passive-aggressive people fail to recognize or label their emotions in the moment, only later realizing that they were upset or hurt.

• Pay attention to how your body reacts when you're angry, sad, frustrated, or experiencing other emotions. When you have an emotional response, notice your physical signs: Is your heart racing, palms sweating, or chest tightening? Are you unable to think clearly or find the right words? Later, review the situation and try to identify your feelings. Understanding your physical reactions and connecting them to your emotions will help you recognize your feelings next time.

Establish new communication rules. If your relationship has suffered from passive-aggressive behaviors in the past, it’s clear that old rules—whether stated or unstated—weren’t effective. It’s essential to have an open conversation about new rules so everyone knows what’s expected in the relationship.

• Show respect. Maintain guidelines for mature and reasonable actions during disagreements, such as avoiding slamming doors, cursing, being sarcastic, insulting, threatening, or engaging in any other form of disrespect.
• Give each other space. Understand that after an argument, some people need time to cool off before they can discuss the issue logically and find a solution that works for both parties.
• Speak your mind. It’s important not to be passive or avoid expressing your feelings while a passive-aggressive person also struggles to communicate their emotions. Instead, find ways for both parties to express their feelings and desires without fearing negative consequences. One effective strategy is to write down your emotions, which can help ease the tension during a heated moment.

Don't become an enabler. Many people are drawn to friends or partners who exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies, hoping to 'fix' them or because their unhealthy behaviors feel familiar and safe (for example, if you grew up with a passive-aggressive caregiver, you might seek out a partner or friends with similar traits).

• You may be reinforcing their passive-aggressive behavior if you make excuses for their actions, overlook their broken promises, and rush to 'rescue' them every time they make a mistake.
• You might also be enabling their behavior if you accept being the victim, never point out their actions, and allow them to mistreat you. This sends the message that you won’t respond to their bad behavior.
• You may even be encouraging passive-aggressive behavior if you punish them for expressing their feelings. For instance, do you sulk or get angry when your friend says they don’t want to go out? This behavior will make them look for excuses to avoid you because they fear your anger. Similarly, if you avoid discussing both your feelings in a romantic relationship, your partner will have a hard time opening up and will likely keep their frustrations bottled up.

• Passive-aggressive behavior can escalate into emotional abuse. Warning signs include when the person humiliates you, insults, or belittles you; when they attempt to control or shame you; when they accuse you of things you didn't do or blame you for their own issues; when they show no concern for your feelings; or when they refuse to allow you personal boundaries.