Buzz
Choosing the right person can be tough, especially with the vast array of options available through online dating. If you're feeling uncertain or overwhelmed, take some time to reflect on what really matters to you, and consider the qualities you want in a potential partner. Think about what kind of individual could be a perfect match to complement your life.
Steps
Identifying Your Key Priorities
Consider what kind of relationship you're looking for. Do you want something casual, a fling, or perhaps a serious, long-term relationship? Understanding your desires from the beginning will help you focus on the right matches and guide the relationship in the direction you want. If you're uncertain, it's important to be honest with yourself and with potential partners.
- Knowing what you're seeking allows you to better understand others' goals as well.
- Reflecting on past relationships can offer valuable insights. Think about what worked and what didn’t to better clarify what you're aiming for in the future.
- Reader Poll: We asked 601 Mytour readers about their romantic preferences, and only 8% preferred periods of casual dating without aiming for long-term connections. [Take Poll] So, if you're looking to transition from casual to committed, you're definitely not alone!
Be with someone who values you. Sometimes, it’s not about a specific “type” of person, but rather about finding someone who truly fits. Look for a partner who shows interest in your life, engages with you, and shares in the curiosity of getting to know each other. For example, if you’re at a sports bar and your date is more captivated by the game than by you, it could set the tone for how future interactions unfold.
- For example, choose someone who asks you questions and listens to your answers. If your date seems more focused on talking about themselves, it might be worth reconsidering whether you want to see them again.
Make a list of your core values. If you hold strong beliefs—whether religious, political, social, or spiritual—it’s important to find a partner who shares those values. It’s never about changing someone; it’s about compatibility. Write down what you value in your life and what you’d like to see in a partner. How important are these values to you?
- For example, if you’re passionate about exploring spiritual practices, you may want a partner who shares that interest, and you might not connect well with someone who is strictly religious or uninterested in spirituality. This will guide you in finding the right person when you’re ready to date.
- Think about the kind of chemistry you want with your partner—physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual. Rank these qualities from most to least important, and use them as a framework when meeting new people.
Consider your lifestyle choices. Think about how you want a potential partner to align with your lifestyle. For instance, if you enjoy dining at upscale restaurants, you might not want to date someone who is overly cautious with money. Similarly, if you love hiking, camping, and kayaking on weekends, don’t date someone who dislikes outdoor activities. If you value your personal time, you might not be compatible with someone who is a workaholic. Find someone who can embrace and enjoy your lifestyle.
- For example, if you have a dog, it’s important to find a partner who enjoys animals. Trying to convince someone to love your dog when they don’t may only lead to frustration.
Reflect on your ideal age range. While society may have its own opinions about age limits for dating, it’s ultimately up to you to decide what feels right. If age differences are significant to you, consider narrowing your options to a specific age range that feels comfortable. For some, age is just a number, but for others, it plays a key role in compatibility.
- When thinking about age, also take into account maturity. Some younger people might be more mature than their older counterparts, which can be an important factor to consider.
Mytour Quiz: Are You Ready for a Relationship?
Relationships bring joy, connection, and a sense of companionship, but how can you tell when you’re truly ready to make a commitment? By waiting until you're genuinely prepared, you give yourself the best chance to be the ideal partner. To determine if you're really ready for a relationship, take our quiz and find out!
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What qualities do you seek in a partner?
Building Your Self-Assurance
Learn to accept yourself. Many people distract themselves with things like drugs, alcohol, TV, food, or video games to avoid facing their true selves. Instead of avoiding your own company, learn to embrace who you are. Spend some time alone, free from distractions. Think about your self-image or the internal conversations you have with yourself. Whenever you start comparing yourself to others, remind yourself that you’re perfectly fine just as you are.
- If comparing yourself to others or feeling “not good enough” is a challenge, tell yourself, “Where I am now is enough.” You can also say, “My best is different from someone else's best, and that's perfectly fine.”
Embrace your imperfections and perceived weaknesses. Everyone has their own flaws, so don’t let yours stop you from reaching your full potential. Sometimes what you view as a flaw can actually be what makes you interesting or one-of-a-kind, like the little imperfections in your appearance. Other times, issues you struggle with could be linked to past experiences that you can work to overcome. Regardless, you deserve love, so don’t hold yourself back from it.
- Whenever you focus on a flaw or weakness, jot down a few positive affirmations to remind yourself that it doesn’t define you.
- Remember, opposites attract. What you consider a flaw might be the perfect balance for someone else’s personality.
- For example, someone who’s self-conscious about a scar could remind themselves, "My scar is a part of my journey and it tells my story," "My scar is beautiful because it represents my resilience," and "Others will focus on what they like about me, not the scar."
Know your own preferences. Sometimes, when we start dating someone new, we lose touch with what we truly like. It’s important to have a solid understanding of your own tastes before allowing someone else into your life. If you wish to share experiences, make sure you know what interests you first.
- If you're unsure of your likes and dislikes, start exploring. Ask yourself what you’ve always wanted to try. Try new activities, like traveling or painting. Discover what excites you.
- Broaden your horizons by experimenting with new things and experiences. Try different foods, see how you feel about taking risks, and challenge yourself to do something that scares you. Doing something unfamiliar can help reveal what resonates with you.
Engage in hobbies. Hobbies are a great way to connect with what you love and express creativity. They also provide a chance to bond with potential partners over shared interests. Ask yourself if you’d like to enjoy your hobbies solo or with someone special.
- If you're not sure where to start, consider picking up an instrument, taking up a sport like skiing, starting a collection, or crafting something with your hands.
- For more tips, explore How to Find a Hobby.
Prioritize your own growth over the pursuit of love. Focusing too much on finding the right person can backfire. The right partner will be drawn to you when you embody the qualities they seek. So, focus on becoming the best version of yourself. When you do, you’ll naturally attract someone compatible with you.
- Write down the qualities you hope your partner will possess.
- Go out and have fun by yourself. Enjoy your own company, and show others that you’re a content, independent individual who would make a great partner.
Build a strong social circle. Before entering the dating world, ensure you have friends to rely on. It’s easy to get caught up in dating, but having friends to turn to for support and fun is crucial. Without them, you may find yourself relying too heavily on your dates for companionship. Friends bring balance to your life and relationships.
- Having friends means you're not placing unrealistic expectations on your date to fulfill all your emotional needs.
- If you lack a social network, reconnect with old friends or seek out people with similar interests. For example, if you're vegan, you might want vegan friends, or if you love biking, find others who share that passion. You can also read How to Make Friends.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Relationship Specialist
Relationship Specialist
Enhancing your social skills can open doors to new dating opportunities. By refining your social abilities, you’ll gain confidence that can positively influence your dating journey, making you more successful in meeting potential matches.
Avoiding the Wrong Types
Be aware of signs of abuse. Abuse can take many forms: physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual. Sometimes, people show early signs of being an abuser, even if they don't display these traits right away. If someone frequently blames you for things, acts entitled, holds grudges, or behaves as though they are superior, these can all be early indicators. However, it’s important to note that abusers often mask their behavior, and you may only notice abusive tendencies once you're emotionally involved. Watch for the following red flags and take them seriously:
- They push you to move faster into a relationship than you're comfortable with.
- They seem “too perfect.”
- They appear flawless or like your ideal partner.
- They refuse to take responsibility and always blame others, including you, for negative situations.
- They constantly criticize you, belittle you, or try to control your appearance or wardrobe choices.
- They attempt to isolate you from your family and friends.
Clarify your non-negotiables. It’s important to have a clear idea of what you absolutely cannot accept when it comes to potential partners. Whether it’s lifestyle choices, personality traits, or deal-breakers from past experiences, knowing these helps narrow down who you’re open to. For example, you may have strong preferences about not dating someone who eats meat, follows a particular sports team, or has a certain habit.
- If a past dating experience was negative, learn from it and avoid repeating the same mistake. For instance, if you had a bad experience with someone who was financially irresponsible, make sure not to settle for that again.
- Keep in mind that your non-negotiables can evolve. You might feel strongly about height preferences or age range, but meet someone who surprises you and doesn’t fit your set standards. Be open to revising your expectations without feeling guilty, but always stay true to your core values.
Avoid the “players.” A player knows how to play the dating game but isn’t genuinely interested in forming a deep connection. Watch out for signs like over-the-top romantic gestures, quick emotional intensity, and a large number of acquaintances but few true friends. Players seek thrills and excitement, but their relationships often leave you feeling unfulfilled.
- Players are skilled in the game of attraction. Don’t let yourself get swept up by their charm and false promises.
Expand your social circle. One of the best ways to discover what you truly want in a partner is by meeting new people. Each date is an opportunity to learn about what works for you and what doesn’t. You may come across individuals you connect with deeply, and others who just aren’t your type. Keep exploring; through these interactions, you'll gain a clearer idea of what you're seeking in a partner and which traits you’d prefer to avoid.
- For instance, you might realize whether you prefer dating someone with children or without. It's vital to understand your preferences early in the dating process.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Dating Coach
Strike a balance between online dating and face-to-face interactions. Don’t limit yourself solely to online platforms. Take time away from dating apps and try connecting with people in real life. Enhancing your social skills will not only boost your confidence in face-to-face interactions but also improve your experience with online dating.
Keep an open mind. It's one thing to have clear expectations, but don’t let being overly picky hinder your chances. Avoid thinking that “all men are the same” or “all women are too demanding.” If you’ve faced disappointments in the past, allow yourself the time to heal before diving back into the dating scene. While you may have strong preferences, be prepared to think critically about them.
- You're unlikely to find someone who fits your ideal description perfectly, but by staying open, you might meet someone who is a great match for you.
- It's fine to have deal-breakers, but reflect on why those traits matter so much to you. For example, if you’re avoiding people from a specific city due to past experiences, consider whether you’re unintentionally limiting your opportunities based on bias.
