Buzz
Have you ever wondered, "Why do people treat me this way?" If someone (a stranger, friend, or family member) treats you badly, you might always want to understand the reason. You can find the answer by observing their behavior and seeking opinions from others. The next step is to have an open conversation with the person to learn why they treat you poorly. Lastly, it's important to set healthy boundaries with those who don't appreciate you.
Steps
Evaluate the behavior of those treating you poorly
List the reasons behind their displeasure. To understand why someone treats you poorly, you need to get a clear picture of what's going on. This is the time to reflect on their behavior towards you. Which of their actions make you uncomfortable? Try to pinpoint and specify every detail of their behavior.
- Write down any unusual behaviors you notice in them. For instance, they may act uninterested when you talk to them. Be specific and note exactly what happened.
Put yourself in their shoes. Try to come up with valid reasons for their behavior. While you can't read someone else's mind, you can imagine a similar situation happening to you and identify what might have triggered their actions.
- For instance, they may have received bad news at school, and when you approached them to talk, they were unfriendly. That bad news could be the real reason behind their behavior, not anything to do with you.
- Another example could be that you unintentionally excluded a friend from a game. Feeling left out, they became upset and angry with you. Recognizing your mistake and apologizing could resolve the issue.
- However, you should not disregard your own feelings in this process. Even if you understand the reason, you aren't obliged to forgive or compromise if their actions hurt you.
Observe how they treat others. To gain a better understanding of their behavior, you should observe how they interact with others. Look for patterns—are there similarities or differences in how they treat you? If they treat everyone poorly, the problem might not lie with you. But if their behavior toward others is vastly different from their treatment of you, it could indicate they are intentionally mistreating you.
Seek advice from others. You might be overly sensitive to people's unfriendly behavior, so getting opinions from others could provide a more balanced perspective. Talk to people who also know the individual and see what they think.
- You could ask, 'I’ve noticed that Xuân has been acting a bit mean lately. Have you noticed that too?'
Consider letting it go. Based on the information you gather from observing and consulting with others, you will decide on your next steps. If you believe the person’s behavior is due to personal problems, it might be best to ignore the behavior and hope things improve soon.
- However, if you can’t find a reasonable explanation or suspect they are deliberately mistreating you, it’s time to address it directly with them.
- You'll need to assess whether this person is important enough for you to let the issue slide.
Talk to them about what's happening
Initiate a private conversation with them. If you decide to meet with the person to discuss what's going on, make sure to choose a private moment. Discussing things in front of others will only make the situation worse, and it will be hard to have a constructive conversation.
- You might say, 'Nam, can I talk to you for a minute?'
Describe their behavior and your feelings about it. When you're alone with them, point out the behavior you've observed. Then, express your feelings about it.
- You could say something like, 'For the past week, I've noticed that every time I greet you, you don’t say anything.'
- Then, describe your emotional reaction, for example: 'I feel hurt when I’m ignored.'
Ask them to explain their actions. After describing their behavior, you can ask for an explanation of why they acted that way.
- You might say, 'Can you explain why you acted like that?'
- However, they may not acknowledge their behavior or may refuse to explain. Some people might even blame you for the situation.
Set your boundaries. While you can’t control how others treat you, you can let them know how you want to be treated. Establishing healthy boundaries is the way to do this. If someone treats you poorly, it will be easier to pinpoint which boundary was crossed. Then, you can simply inform them not to repeat their actions.
- For example, with the situation mentioned earlier, you could say, 'If you keep ignoring me, I won’t greet you anymore.'
- Another example, regarding offensive comments, would be saying, 'Don’t call me that anymore. If you don’t stop, I’ll report it to the teacher.'
Receive the treatment you deserve
Do not accept being mistreated. Don’t feel guilty for standing up against bad behavior and setting your boundaries. You deserve respect, and it’s your right to define what that looks like. When someone treats you poorly, address the issue and communicate the way you expect to be treated.
Keep your distance from that person. If someone continues to treat you badly, stop seeing them and end the relationship right away. This is how you show that you won’t tolerate their behavior.
- If they ask why you're ending the relationship, simply say, 'I’m doing this to protect myself because you’re not treating me the way I deserve.'
Let others know how you want to be treated. The way you treat yourself signals to others how you expect to be treated. Inform your friends, family, and acquaintances about the treatment you expect by setting standards for yourself.
- For instance, you shouldn't belittle yourself or speak negatively about yourself in front of others. Walk and carry yourself confidently, with your head held high and chest out.
- You can also communicate how others should treat you by making clear requests ('I really need to talk to someone') or by showing appreciation when you're treated with respect ('Thank you for respecting my privacy').
Respect others. Use kindness and courtesy to set an example of the treatment you expect from others. Speak in a pleasant and positive manner when interacting with others, instead of belittling or speaking negatively. Show respect for others, and they will show respect for you.
