Buzz
As you and your children adapt to life after divorce, there will likely come a time when you face a sensitive issue: your dating life. Children may feel scared and uneasy when they hear that one of their parents has a new romantic partner. In this article, we offer tips on how to let your children know you are dating and how to reassure them.
Steps
Choose words that are appropriate for your child's age.
The way you explain things to younger children might need to differ from how you approach older ones. If your child is young and doesn’t understand what dating is, you can refer to the new person as a “friend” (this is typically the best term for children under 10). Older children might already have some understanding of dating and romantic relationships, so you can use more direct terms like 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'.
- For example, with an 8-year-old, you might say: 'Mom's friend is coming over tonight.'
- For a 15-year-old, you could say: 'Dad wants to talk to you about something. I’m dating someone.'
- Even if your child is old enough to understand what dating means, you can still refer to your new partner as a 'friend' to keep things light. You know your child best, so choose the language that feels most appropriate for them.
Start the conversation with a question.
Try saying something like, 'How would you feel if I started dating again?' This question opens the door for your child to express their feelings, and they may even share their thoughts right away. Be prepared for some negative emotions: your child might feel angry, upset, confused, or jealous. By beginning the conversation in this way, you allow your child to share their emotions from the start.
Clarify that your new partner is not a replacement.
Your child will only ever have one true mother/father, and that’s your ex-spouse. Some children find it difficult to see their parent’s new partner as a 'new mom' or 'new dad.' Remind your children that both you and your ex will continue to work together to care for them, and the person you're dating will never take the place of their other parent.
- For younger children, you might say: 'I know this is a little confusing, but Dad is still your Dad, right? Uncle Hai is just a friend of mine, not your Dad.'
- For older children: 'I’m dating Ms. Hang, but you don’t need to call her mom. I’m still your mom, and Ms. Hang will never replace me.'
Ask how your child feels about the situation.
Having open communication with your child is crucial. After the conversation ends, allow your child to express anything that may be bothering them. You can also ask how they’re feeling – but be ready to face emotions such as sadness, anger, or even jealousy.
- Try asking things like “How do you feel about this?” or “What are you thinking? Can you tell me?”
Address all of your child's concerns.
Work to ease your child's anxiety after your conversation. Children are full of emotions, and if your child is old enough to express them, it’s important to reassure them. Let your child know that they will always be your top priority, no matter who you’re dating.
- For instance, children might ask questions like “Will your friend live with us?” You could say, “No, not now, and maybe never. Even if that happens, you will always come first.”
- Listening to your children and understanding their feelings is important, but don’t let them control your emotional life. Be empathetic to their concerns, but don’t stop dating just because your child is uncomfortable.
Give your child time to adjust.
Most children are not excited when they find out their parent is dating someone new. It’s important to give your child time and not rush them into accepting your new partner. Keep talking with them and check in on their feelings, but don’t force them to do anything they’re not comfortable with.
Communicate regularly with your child.
Keep the lines of communication open to stay attuned to your child’s concerns. If your child is young, it’s a good idea to check in with them weekly to understand how they’re feeling. This is especially important if you’ve introduced your new partner to your child – if they have any questions or worries, listen carefully and reassure them.
- You could ask, “How did you feel after meeting Ms. Ngoc?” or “After our conversation the other day, do you have any more questions?”
Be cautious when choosing a new partner.
Make sure you completely trust your new partner when they’re around you and your child. Dating with children involved is a bit different than when you were single – you need to consider your child’s safety too. As you meet potential partners, always keep your child’s best interests in mind. If you feel uneasy about introducing them to your child, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
Only introduce your child to a new partner when you are absolutely sure about the relationship.
It can be difficult for young children to meet more than one person in a short amount of time. If you’ve been dating for a while and are considering something serious, you might start thinking about introducing your partner to your child. This increases the chances that your partner will be a lasting part of your life, especially if your child grows attached to them.
- Additionally, if your child is young, they may feel confused if they keep meeting different people in quick succession.
Highlight the qualities of your partner.
This can give both your partner and your child a positive starting point. If you’re introducing a serious partner to your child, try sharing the things you like most about your partner. If your child sees how happy you are with them, they may be more willing to meet them.
- For younger children, you could say, “Uncle Kien is really kind, and he knows lots of magic tricks! Oh, and he loves animals just like you!”
- For older children, you might say, “Did you know, Dad thinks no one is as gentle as Aunt Hanh? She’s so funny, and I think you two would really get along.”
Introduce your partner to your child gradually.
Take everyone out for a meal or an outdoor activity. Spend time allowing your child and partner to gradually get to know each other. Start with short outings, like a dinner at a restaurant, and eventually move on to longer get-togethers, such as a weekend trip.
- The key here is to give your child time to adjust. If you rush or pressure them to bond with your new partner too quickly, they might start resenting you.
