Buzz
Many of us occasionally wonder about our appearance. Unfortunately, society continuously promotes and emphasizes the concept of "beauty". Television, movies, books, magazines, and countless advertisements all suggest that one must meet an "ideal" standard to be considered "beautiful". These unreasonable and unrealistic standards are deeply ingrained in our minds from an early age. Surveys show that 50% of girls aged 3 to 6 worry about being "fat", and nearly a third of them wish they could change their appearance. However, numerous other studies indicate that "beauty" is highly subjective and personal. It truly is only "beautiful" in the eyes of the beholder. There is not just one way to be beautiful. When you learn to accept yourself and be confident in who you are, both inside and out, you'll feel beautiful every day. And research has shown that when you feel beautiful, others are more likely to see you as beautiful too!
Steps
Learning to Accept Yourself
Give yourself the gift of self-love. Our appearance is often the source of much mental pain and shame. At times, this shame prevents you from recognizing your true beauty, as you're trapped in feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, or not fitting into society. If others judge you based on the standards set by society, you might feel embarrassed or self-conscious. Showing compassion to yourself acts as an antidote to the shame brought on by judgments from others (or even from yourself). Here are some exercises you can start with to develop self-compassion:
- Think of a past embarrassing experience or an old wound. Imagine what you would have wanted someone to say to you in that moment. What words would you want to hear? Write them down.
- Next, imagine that these written words come from someone you love or admire who is comforting you. This could be a close friend or even a spiritual figure. Listen to them and let their words sink into your heart. Pay attention to the feelings you experience as you hear these words. What do you feel?
- Practice saying those words aloud to yourself. Focus on your breathing and let the words resonate while you breathe deeply. Pay attention to how you feel when you say them aloud.
Think about how you treat a friend. Sometimes we are harsher on ourselves than we are with others. Consider what you would say to a friend who is struggling to feel good about their appearance. What would you tell them? Try to extend the same kindness to yourself.
- Imagine that your friend confides in you about feeling terrible about how they look. How would you respond? What would you say? Write down your thoughts.
- Think about your own critiques or feelings about your own beauty. How would you react to yourself in those situations? Write those down too.
- Compare the two situations above. Do you notice any differences? If so, why do you think that is? What motivates you to respond the way you do to others? What motivates you to respond the way you do to yourself?
- Write down some ways you could change your reactions to be more generous and understanding towards yourself.
- Research suggests that we often choose friends we find attractive in some way. Think about the beauty you see in the people you care about. You may realize that the standards of beauty you apply to your friends are much broader than the standards you apply to yourself.
Resist self-criticism. Studies show that self-criticism can lead to anxiety and depression. You may be dissatisfied with yourself because you compare yourself to societal standards, or you may feel judged by others and experience shame. The more you practice resisting unnecessary or self-critical thoughts, the more comfortable you will become accepting yourself as you are.
- The human brain tends to focus more on negative experiences and information while ignoring the positive. The next time your inner critic tells you that you're not 'enough _____', remember that your brain doesn't always tell the truth. It might have overlooked many good things to end on a negative, which may not even be accurate.
- For example, you might have a critical thought like, 'I'm giving up. I'll never lose weight. It’s pointless to try.'
- There are many ways to address such thoughts. For instance, you could examine why you feel the need to lose weight. Is it for health reasons that a doctor supports? Or is it because you're comparing yourself to someone else's beauty standards? Remember, no one can tell you what you 'should' look like.
- You can also focus on your positive qualities to counter negative thoughts. For example: 'I might not be able to lose weight, but I will stay strong and enjoy the sport I love.'
- You can set new goals that reflect kindness and self-acceptance. For example: 'I don't like going to the gym, but I love walking around. I don't need to force myself into the mold society expects. I'll do what makes me happy.'
Practice mindfulness about your thoughts. A helpful way to deal with self-judging thoughts is to remember that they are just thoughts. They are not necessarily 'facts'. You may find yourself fixated on negative thoughts, trying to 'escape' them. You might even criticize yourself for not being able to stop these thoughts. Instead, try acknowledging that these thoughts are there and realize that they are not facts.
- For example: 'Right now I’m thinking that I’m not attractive. This is not a fact; it's just a thought. I can't control these thoughts, but I don’t believe them.'
- Meditation can also help you become more aware of your thoughts. You can learn to accept them in the present moment without judgment. Mindfulness and loving-kindness meditation are practices that can help you get started. Research shows that meditation can actually rewire your brain's response to stressors.
Focus on the positive aspects. When trapped by beauty standards, it's easy to be influenced by a distorted perception through 'filtering,' where you only focus on things you dislike about yourself. Fight these skewed thoughts by turning it into a game: every time a negative thought about yourself arises, immediately find a positive one to counterbalance it. You could even look into the mirror while saying something positive, which can help affirm the truth of what you're saying.
- For example, if you think, 'Oh, my teeth are so crooked,' stop and find something positive: 'I have a beautiful smile to share when I'm happy, and I can uplift others.'
- Sometimes, judgment from others can make it hard to find anything you like about yourself. If this is your case, try focusing on the amazing things your body is capable of. Do you play sports, lift weights, dance, run, laugh, or even just breathe? Can you hug someone, sing a song, or cook a meal? By praising your body for what it does for you, you might discover things you love about it.
Create a self-compliment list. Because our brains are so good at focusing on the negative, take a proactive approach to counter this tendency by writing down a list of positive things about yourself. Taking the time to acknowledge and jot down what you like about yourself will help 'store' these thoughts in your mind, so you can reflect on them later. When you go through tough times, pull out your list and remind yourself of all the things that make you beautiful. Here are some questions to help you start:
- What do you like about yourself and your life?
- What skills and abilities do you value?
- What do others compliment you on?
- What do you like about your appearance today?
- What is an accomplishment you achieved today?
- What beauty did you find in today?
- What is something you're proud of?
- What beauty do you see in how you impact others?
Write yourself a letter of forgiveness. Learning to be compassionate with yourself is crucial for healing past wounds that may prevent you from seeing your true worth. Perhaps you've made mistakes in the past, and you still carry guilt. Maybe you feel shame for something you did when you were younger. Regardless of what it is, forgiving yourself for past actions can help you move forward.
- Choose an experience that causes you regret or sorrow. Write a letter to your younger self about this experience.
- Use gentle, loving words when writing the letter. Speak to yourself as you would a friend or loved one who is grappling with their own mistakes.
- Remind your younger self that mistakes are opportunities to learn, not reasons to ruin your life forever.
- Make a plan for how you will use that past experience to grow in the future.
Develop Self-Confidence
Question the beauty standards. Every day, we are bombarded with images of how beauty 'should' be, leading us to easily accept them as truth. Remember that these concepts are narrow, artificial, and illogical: they repeatedly tell us that 'beauty' means being tall, white, thin, and young. You don't have to accept anyone else's standards. Recognizing how these external standards are fake and unrealistic can help you see your own beauty, regardless of what others may say.
- Beauty standards promoted by the media and ingrained in our minds have a very real effect on us. Research shows that exposure to unrealistic body images increases symptoms of depression and dissatisfaction with our appearance.
- Look online for 'celebrity photo editing fails' or 'model tattoo art' to realize how many so-called 'ideal' beauties are completely fabricated. Even supermodels can't meet these standards without editing their images.
Write in a journal. Journaling can help you identify unhelpful thought patterns. Remember that pressure and anxiety can influence the way we perceive ourselves, causing negative thoughts or feelings about our appearance. Try to focus your thoughts more concretely. Here are some questions to guide you:
- What thoughts and feelings have you experienced?
- What were you doing or focusing on when you had those thoughts or feelings?
- What happened right before and after you had that thought or feeling?
- Why do you think you had that thought or feeling?
- How do you think you could respond differently to those thoughts or feelings in the future?
Practice positive gratitude. Gratitude is not just a feeling; it's a habit. Research has shown that people who practice gratitude daily are often happier and more optimistic than others. Focusing on the positive things in life can help build your self-confidence.
- Take time to notice and reflect on the good moments. Our brains often overlook positive information because they are constantly scanning for negative things. The next time a friend compliments you or you feel great about yourself, pause and enjoy that experience.
- Focus on how you feel when you recognize that positive moment. What senses are you using? What is your body feeling? What are you thinking? Reflecting on these details can help you vividly remember the moment later.
Pay attention to your clothing choices. It's common to feel self-conscious about your body. You might find yourself choosing clothes that hide parts of your body you're uncomfortable with, or you might feel unworthy of wearing certain styles. Perhaps you're waiting for the 'perfect' body before buying attractive outfits. Such actions can harm your confidence. Simply buy clothes that fit you well. Wear clothing that makes you feel beautiful, no matter what external standards say.
- Studies have shown that the way we dress can influence our confidence. For example, one study found that people who wore lab coats performed better and felt more confident doing simple science tasks than those who didn't wear lab coats – even though they were doing the same work! If you feel attractive and confident in what you're wearing, others will notice too.
- The way you dress also affects how you feel about yourself. For instance, actors often say that costumes help them get into character. Dress as the 'character' you want to be.
- Choose clothes that fit your body well. Research shows that when people wear clothes that fit properly, others tend to find them more attractive.
- Wear what makes you happy. If you enjoy makeup, go ahead and wear it! If you feel most comfortable in sweatpants, wear them with pride!
Take care of your body. Your body doesn't need to meet anyone else's standards. Consider your motivations for eating and taking care of your body. Avoid doing these things just because you feel pressured to meet societal expectations. Eating well, exercising, and forming good habits can help you feel beautiful by reminding you that you deserve to be cared for.
- Exercise. Exercise releases natural chemicals called endorphins that boost your mood. Moderate exercises – whether it's jogging, swimming, or even gardening – can make you feel energetic and positive. But don't exercise just to 'fix' your body; doing so could hurt your mental health more than help it. Remind yourself that you're taking care of your health because you love yourself.
- Eat well. Your diet can really affect your mood. Make sure your meals include vegetables, fresh fruits, whole grains, and lean proteins. If you feel unwell after eating something, try to figure out why. You may need to avoid that food or train your body to tolerate it. And remember: everything is relative, even moderation. If you're craving a slice of peach pie, treat yourself!
- Pamper yourself. Take a relaxing bath, get a manicure, or go for a massage. Understand that you deserve to be treated well.
- Get enough sleep. Poor sleep can lead to symptoms like anxiety, depression, obesity, and irritability. Make sure you're getting the sleep your body needs.
Practice with others.
Be around those who care about you. Humans are highly susceptible to emotional contagion, meaning we often pick up on the emotions of those around us, feeling as they do. In other words, you tend to mirror the emotions of the people you interact with. Research has shown that the support, compassion, and kindness from others have a positive impact on our brain and overall happiness. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones who support you, and who refrain from judgment based on shallow, artificial biases.
- Ask for a hug! Physical contact with those you care about helps release oxytocin, a bonding hormone that can improve your mood.
Confide in others when you're feeling down. Some individuals might make hurtful remarks about your appearance, often unaware that their words are cruel. Others may say mean things due to their own insecurities. When this happens, stand up for yourself. Calmly tell them their comments have hurt you and that they need to stop. If they continue, distance yourself from them. You don’t have to endure the judgment and nastiness of others.
- Body-shaming is a widespread issue. If you find yourself a victim of bullying, harm, violence, or any form of abuse, report it to the authorities, such as a school counselor or workplace HR manager.
Reach out for support. While you don’t necessarily need others to affirm your beauty, hearing loving and supportive words from trusted friends and family can still be helpful. Talk to a close friend or loved one about your feelings. Ask if they've ever felt the same way. You can help and encourage each other through it.
Show kindness to others. Demonstrating kindness can make you feel happier and healthier. The next time you're feeling down about your appearance, try to offer something positive to someone else. Share with them the words you wish to hear yourself. By practicing kindness toward others, you may naturally extend it to yourself.
- People become more beautiful through acts of kindness. Studies have shown that kind individuals are often considered more physically attractive than those who are unkind. Other studies have found that people who seem empathetic are perceived as more sexually attractive.
Fake it until you make it. If you wait until you “feel” beautiful to truly live your life, you might be waiting for a long time. Our brains are excellent at convincing us that negative comments are true. Practice acting as if you already feel beautiful, and eventually, it will become reality.
- For example, if you're self-conscious about your figure, buy an outfit you love but feel unsure about wearing. Put it on and go out. Keep repeating a positive affirmation, like “I am strong and beautiful. This outfit enhances my natural beauty, and I am happy with it.”
- Check in with your feelings. How do you feel when you tell yourself you're satisfied with your appearance? Do you enjoy the experience?
- Observe others' reactions. You may receive criticism or even “haters.” It's likely some people will judge you. However, you’ll be surprised to find that when you tell yourself you deserve love and recognition, others often acknowledge it too.
Consult a therapist. Sometimes, the pressure to meet societal beauty standards can create deep emotional wounds. It can also lead to various conditions like eating disorders. If you are struggling with negative thoughts about yourself, seek help from a therapist or counselor. They can guide you to overcome these destructive thoughts and find a way to live a happier, healthier life.
- Eating disorders are on the rise, with 30 million people in the United States affected. If you feel dissatisfied with your appearance, your risk of developing an eating disorder increases. An eating disorder is a serious condition that requires treatment.
- If you often feel down, guilty about eating or your appearance, perceive yourself as “fat,” struggle with controlling what you eat, obsess over certain foods or quantities, or worry about gaining weight, it is crucial to seek help from a mental health professional immediately.
Advice
- Remember, societal beauty standards are unrealistic and unattainable by anyone, even celebrities or supermodels. Do not judge yourself based on others' standards.
- Leave “loving messages” for yourself around the house. Write positive affirmations on sticky notes and place them on mirrors, kitchen cabinets, or by your bed—anywhere you can see them throughout the day.
Warning
- If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, seek immediate help! If you are in the U.S., call 911, your local emergency services, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. In Vietnam, you can contact the 1800 1567 hotline (child support and counseling services) or (84-4) 37.280.936 (Women and Development Center) for assistance.
