Buzz
Use this thoughtful approach to make the conversation easier
Turning down a date or ending a relationship can be hard. Whether it’s your first date or you’ve been seeing someone for a while, it’s essential to be clear without causing unnecessary hurt. In this guide, we provide compassionate yet direct advice on how to handle these conversations, along with insights from dating experts. Keep reading to learn how to approach this difficult task effectively.
How to Tell Someone You Don't Want to Pursue a Relationship
- Be direct and honest about your feelings.
- Share your thoughts from your perspective using 'I' statements.
- Show empathy but stay firm and clear.
- Avoid over-explaining and keep the message concise.
Steps to Take
Examples of What to Say
Suggested Phrases for Telling Someone You Don't Want to Date Them Without Hurting Their FeelingsHow to Politely Turn Down a First Date
Be upfront and tell them you're flattered but not interested. It’s important to be clear yet kind when letting someone know you don’t want to go on a date. Dating coach John Keegan points out that asking someone out requires courage, so if you can reject them with sensitivity, it’ll make a lasting impression. Here are some ways to express this:
- “Thanks, I’m really flattered by your offer, but I’m not interested in that way.”
- “I’m grateful for your interest, but I don’t feel a romantic connection.”
- “I really appreciate you asking me out, and I’m flattered, but I don’t think we’re a good match.”
Focus on how you feel. Instead of explaining why you’re not interested in them, make it about you. Simple phrases like “I don’t see us that way, I’m sorry” or “I think you’re great as a person, but I don’t feel a spark” are often more easily accepted than saying “You’re not my type.” Here are some examples:
- “You’re awesome, but I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment.”
- “I don’t feel that romantic connection, but I’d love for us to remain friends.”
- “I really appreciate your interest, but I don’t think we’re a good match.”
Keep your rejection brief, and avoid over-explaining. When rejecting someone, it’s often best to keep it simple. While a bit of explanation can help provide closure, lengthy reasons can lead to confusion and unnecessary debate. For instance:
- “I’m flattered, but I’m not looking to date anyone right now. I’m really focused on school and work at the moment.”
- “Thanks for asking, but I’m really enjoying being single and not interested in dating at the moment.”
- “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t feel a romantic connection and I see you more as a friend.”
EXPERT ADVICE
Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Dating & Relationship Coach
It’s okay if the other person’s feelings are hurt. We often focus on protecting others’ feelings, but sometimes being honest is necessary for their growth. As long as you're being kind, it’s fine to speak your truth. In fact, this might help them become stronger in the face of future rejection.
End the conversation on a positive note. Although you might feel the urge to prolong the conversation to smooth things over, the most considerate approach is to end it gracefully, allowing the other person time to process their emotions privately. They may be feeling sad, hurt, or embarrassed. Here are some ways to end things on a kind note:
- “I really appreciate how respectful you’ve been. I’m going to give you some space, but if you’re ever interested in being friends, feel free to reach out.”
- “I’m going to take off now, but I think you’re amazing, and I’m sure there’s someone special out there for you.”
- After you’ve spoken your part, offer a warm smile and make a quick exit. Lingering after delivering your message can be uncomfortable and confusing for the other person.
Keep it between the two of you. If you share a social circle or work together, avoid discussing the matter with mutual friends or colleagues. Rejection is already tough enough without adding the discomfort of having others know about it. Be mindful of the other person’s privacy and feelings.
How to End Things After a Few Dates
Address the situation as soon as you realize you’re not interested in another date. Ending things after just a date or two can be uncomfortable, and it might be tempting to ignore it, hoping the situation resolves itself. However, as Keegan advises, avoiding the issue and expecting the other person to understand is not a kind approach. It’s best to communicate your feelings directly.
- Don’t wait for “the perfect moment” because it usually doesn’t exist. The longer you delay, the more awkward and challenging the conversation will be for both of you.
- Leaving the other person without a clear “no” can make it harder for them to move on, so offering a direct response is the kindest approach.
Be honest and direct about your feelings. Express your appreciation for getting to know them, and highlight the qualities you admire about them. Then, gently let them know that you’re not interested in continuing the relationship. Finish on a positive note, wishing them the best. Examples include:
- “I’m really grateful for the time we spent together, but I don’t feel a romantic connection. You’re an awesome person, and I’m sure there’s someone great out there for you.”
- “I’ve had a good time getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a match. I want to be upfront with you, and I don’t want to lead you on. I think you’re great, and I wish you nothing but the best.”
- “You’re a truly special person, and I’ve enjoyed our dates, but I don’t feel that we’re a good fit for a romantic relationship. If you’re open to being friends, I’d love that, but either way, I wish you all the best in your dating journey.”
Be compassionate, but don't apologize unnecessarily. It's natural to want to be considerate when letting someone down, but it’s important to remember that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. If you're not feeling a connection, it's perfectly fine to end things. Your feelings and needs matter, and there’s no need to feel guilty or make excuses for them.
- Remember, you don’t owe it to anyone to continue something that doesn’t feel right. If you don't see a future with someone, it's kinder to end it, so both of you can move on and find the right people for you.
Give them space and don’t keep them hanging. If you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship, it’s best to stop contacting them. While it may feel comforting to have someone who likes you around, it can prevent the other person from moving on.
- Resist the urge to reach out to someone you’ve turned down, especially during your own tough times, unless you’re truly interested.
- Even a brief lapse in judgment on your part can lead to confusion and heartache for the other person, and it may mean you’ll have to reject them again later.
- If you’ve decided to stay friends, it’s a good idea to give each other some time apart. This space will help both of you process emotions before returning to the friendship.
Things to Avoid
Ghosting “Ghosting” refers to the act of vanishing without explanation after getting romantically involved, which can happen after just one date or multiple ones. According to dating expert JT Tran, while it’s a common practice, ghosting often leaves things unresolved and can cause emotional pain. When possible, a direct, honest conversation is a more respectful and effective way to bring closure for both parties.
- A 2012 study showed that out of seven breakup methods, “ghosting” was rated the least favorable approach.
Giving false hope Leaving things unclear or ambiguous might seem like a way to avoid hurting their feelings, but it only prolongs the process and complicates matters. If the other person believes there's a chance you'll change your mind, they’ll struggle to move on. To prevent future complications, be clear about your feelings and avoid leading them on or seeming unsure about your decision.
Being harsh or overly critical There are many reasons you might decide to turn someone down, but you don’t need to list every one of them. Honesty is valuable, but there’s no need to insult or put the person down if they’ve been respectful toward you. Keeping things simple and vague is usually the best approach, rather than highlighting every little thing you find unappealing about them.
- If their personal style or conversational skills aren’t to your taste, it’s perfectly fine, but pointing that out can be needlessly hurtful.
- Something like, "I just don’t think we’re a good match, but I have a strong intuition for these things," as Keegan suggests, is much kinder.
Offering friendship when it’s not sincere Before suggesting that you remain friends, consider your true intentions. Do you genuinely want them in your life as a friend, or are you just trying to ease the situation and protect their feelings? If it’s the latter, it’s better not to make the offer—it will only cause confusion and discomfort later on.
- If you do want to stay friends, give them space after rejecting them to let emotions settle.
- Be aware that the other person might not be ready for friendship because of their feelings for you, and if that’s the case, you must respect their wishes.
Should you reject someone in person or through text?
Declining via text for strangers and acquaintances. Unless you’ve known this person for a long time or have been in a relationship for a few months, rejecting them through text is not only acceptable but often the more considerate choice.
- Texting softens the rejection and gives the other person the privacy to process the news. There's no need to have an in-person interaction with someone you don’t know well just to say no.
- For situations like being approached online or by someone you barely know at work, even an email can serve as a suitable rejection.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 870 Mytour readers who ended short relationships, and 64% agreed that texting was the best way to break up. [Take Poll]
Declining in person for friends and co-workers. For those you know personally, such as friends or colleagues, it’s best to face the situation in person. This approach will make any future interactions much less uncomfortable.
- Communicating in person allows the other person to read your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.
The tips in this section come from the personal experiences of Mytour readers, just like you. If you have any advice you’d like to share with others on Mytour, feel free to submit it in the form below.
- It helps to briefly explain why. For example, "I don't think dating at this age is ideal because we are still young, and I’m not ready for a relationship." Keep it short and sweet to ease the impact.
- If they’ve been fond of you for a long time, be especially considerate of their feelings. This person may have spent months or even years summoning the courage to ask you out, so be kind in your response.
- Never tell someone you don’t want to date them because of their appearance. It’s unnecessarily harsh and can hurt their feelings deeply.
