How to Love Yourself

One of the toughest challenges we can face is learning to love ourselves. This is particularly true if we’ve never been taught this before. It involves a mindset that isn’t easy to develop, but it is certainly achievable. Our thoughts influence our emotions, and our emotions shape our actions. By changing our thinking and training ourselves to think positively, we can start to feel better. It will require effort and practice, but the rewards are definitely worth it. Self-love is a key to living a fuller and happier life.

Pay attention to your thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy experts believe that we can change our behaviors by changing our thoughts. Thoughts are the catalyst that lead to corresponding actions.

• For example, if you believe you're a failure because you can’t do anything well, you’ll feel disappointed because you don’t believe you have the ability to change your emotions. This kind of thinking can trap you in a cycle of negativity, leading you to give up. Your behavior is likely to be affected to the point where you may feel depressed and lose interest in many areas of life. In reality, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your thoughts create a negative mindset and behavior.
• The first step in controlling your thoughts is awareness. When you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, ask these questions:
  • Is this something kind to say?
  • Does this make me feel good?
  • Would I say this to someone else?
  • If the answer to any of these questions is no, then chances are you are thinking negatively. By recognizing these moments, you can begin to shift these thoughts into positive affirmations about yourself.

Keep a thought journal. Pay attention to the important voice in your mind. This voice has been telling you negative things for many years. It has been holding you back from living your fullest life. Recognize when you hear this voice saying something harmful about yourself.

• Take a few minutes each day to recall moments when you had negative thoughts about yourself.

Create a list of positive qualities. Think of instances related to your skills, strengths, and personality that others admire, along with any compliments you’ve received.

• This list can include anything. For example, you might mention how well you treat animals or your ability to bake delicious savory pies. This list will serve as a reminder of all you’ve accomplished and the things you’re good at.
• Refer to this list often to improve your self-perspective.

Calm the inner criticism by focusing on the positive. When you hear the voice in your head telling you that you're worthless, stop and replace that negative thought with something positive. Refer to your list of positive qualities when necessary.

• For example, if your mind keeps telling you that you’re useless, you could say, “I have many friends who think I am worthy and knowledgeable. I have much to contribute.”

Have a personal mantra. A mantra is a phrase you repeat to yourself to help encourage positive thinking. Create a simple tune that you can say aloud or keep in your mind.

• For example, tell yourself: “I am a valuable and loved member of this family.”
• Write your mantra down and place it on the bathroom mirror as a daily reminder.

Don’t give up. You may feel a sense of failure due to your actions for a few days. Continue to remind yourself that you deserve love and kindness. This all ties into changing the mantra in your mind.

• When you wake up every morning, take a few minutes to assess your worth. Offer yourself encouragement and highlight your positive qualities.

Acknowledge your love for life. Tell yourself that you love life and that you are enjoying the journey you’ve chosen. Even if the road is tough, you are still in control, navigating through the challenges. You’re still here to tell others that you have overcome everything to be where you are now.

Recognize the positives in every challenge life presents. Keep pushing forward and don’t focus too much on how difficult life can be. Think about how you’ve overcome challenges and become a better person because of them.

• For example, if you’re angry about something frustrating that happened, think about the precious time you’ve spent with your children instead.

Track your progress. No matter how small the achievement, make sure you’re tracking your progress. Look back at everything you’ve accomplished to push yourself further, and allow past successes to motivate you to keep going.

• Writing down your achievements may be helpful. This way, you can compare new accomplishments with past ones and recognize how much you’ve grown.

Make an effort to stand up for yourself. Ensure that others respect you because you deserve it. Don’t let anyone disrespect you or say hurtful things. Stand up for yourself, just as you would defend a good friend who’s being disrespected.

• Never put yourself down, especially in front of others. If others hear you say negative things about yourself, they may take it as an invitation to treat you poorly.

Support yourself. Think about the situations where you need help and offer it to yourself. Give yourself a gentle pat on the back when you accomplish something well. Be kind to yourself when learning something new and needing encouragement to keep pushing forward.

• This is the perfect moment to repeat your mantra or apply it to a new situation you’re facing.

Learn to feel comfortable alone. When you learn to be happy by yourself, you will realize that you ultimately feel more at ease with who you are. In uncomfortable situations that once made you feel lonely or awkward, you will now feel much more at peace.

• If you’re alone, don’t immediately grab your phone to text someone. Instead, focus on your surroundings. Do something simple like having a cup of tea and embrace the present moment.
• If you’re outdoors or somewhere like a café or party, remind yourself that your worth isn’t determined by who’s around or how many people interact with you.
• This applies even if you’re not in a romantic relationship. Don’t define your value based on whether you’re single. You are your own best companion.

Learn new skills. Learning something new is a fantastic way to build self-love and self-esteem. When you place yourself in unfamiliar situations, you step out of your comfort zone. But you will still see what you are capable of achieving. This is a great way to boost self-esteem.

• Look around your community for free classes. Many communities offer all sorts of classes, from cooking to glassblowing workshops. Check out flyers at your local library or look up the schedule of community events.

Keep a gratitude journal. Take some time once a week to write down what you are thankful for. A gratitude journal helps you remember the valuable things you have in your life.

• Enjoy and reflect on what you’ve written. Simply jotting things down won’t make you feel more grateful. Instead, take a moment to recall the moments or feelings you experienced.

Spoil yourself. If you’re having a rough day or experiencing a peak in self-doubt, treat yourself gently. You could indulge in some delicious chocolate cake at your favorite café or simply relax with a comforting hot bath.

• This will give you a chance to forget the worries and stress that cause doubt within you. Once you’ve recharged, you’ll feel ready to embrace life again with much more relaxation.
• Spoiling yourself is also important because it reminds you of the value of time and self-care. When you take a break, you prioritize yourself over work, a partner, friends, family, school, etc.

Seek joy and laughter in life. Laughter has both short-term and long-term benefits that can support you in your journey of learning to love yourself. In the short-term, laughter can increase endorphin levels in your brain, ease stress responses, and stimulate healthy circulation, which reduces tension. In the long-term, laughter can help you handle difficult situations more easily, improve your relationships with others, and boost your mood.

• Meet up with a close friend and reminisce about the fun times you've shared together.
• Watch a comedy or read an engaging book. Just find some time in your day to enjoy a good laugh.

Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re looking after your body’s health. This will help you recognize your own value, which in turn will lead to greater self-love.

• Be sure to eat well. A balanced diet will make you feel healthier both inside and out. Try to avoid processed foods and fried items. Eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, protein, and grains.
• Get enough sleep. A good night's sleep is essential for your body to function properly and feel comfortable. Sleep boosts your immune system and helps ease depression and pain. Aim for 7-8 hours of sleep each night.
• Drink plenty of water. Your body needs water to function well, and dehydration can cause headaches, fatigue, and mental fatigue. Women should aim for 2 liters of water daily, while men should drink about 3 liters a day.
• Exercise regularly. Exercise releases endorphins in the brain. These chemicals improve your mood and help you feel relaxed, which in turn boosts self-love. Additionally, exercise keeps you healthy.

Don’t let fear control you. Fear can paralyze you and prevent you from taking positive action in life. Some of us will go to great lengths to avoid confronting negative self-perceptions. This happens for many reasons, often because fear causes us to act against our thoughts. We might feel stuck. Growing up is full of challenges and pain. In fact, a life without growth will stagnate, something a person may become accustomed to. It's like wearing old shoes that aren't pretty anymore, but they feel comfortable. Even a negative view of oneself can feel comfortable to some because it doesn't require them to change.

• Perhaps the best example of how fear paralyzes people is when we ask why an abused woman stays in a violent relationship. The fear truly prevents them from acting on what they most desire. The emotional dependency they have in the abusive relationship is what keeps them from leaving, even though their life is in great danger.

Forgive yourself. There may be things in your past that make it difficult to feel proud of yourself. This can make it hard to like who you are. Once you accept that you did the best you could in the circumstances at the time, even the most harmful actions can be forgiven. By holding on to negative thoughts about past mistakes, you prevent yourself from growing and moving on from those errors. Let your mistakes fade into the past, so you can allow yourself to grow and evolve.

Become your own best friend. Think about how you would speak to a friend who is struggling with self-love. Would you support their negative thoughts, or would you focus on highlighting their strengths? Remind yourself of the reasons why you are lovable and worthy of affection.

Start accepting yourself. Believe what others are saying about you. They're not trying to make you feel uncomfortable—they genuinely care for you. Begin seeing yourself through their eyes. This can ease the inner criticism and help you start loving yourself just as others love you.

Start small with one change at a time. Understand that you can begin with small steps. One reason some people fear change is that they think changing one thing about themselves means they will need to change everything else. They fear that the gates of danger will open, and they won't be able to continue their current life because they will need to make too many significant changes to feel happy.

• Start with small changes like smiling at a stranger every day, repeating positive affirmations to yourself, or getting more sleep each night. Taking small steps one after another can feel less overwhelming than trying to make big, dramatic changes all at once.
• By taking these small steps, you can begin to step outside your comfort zone. Stepping out of your comfort zone is something that happens frequently in life. If you can handle certain situations with practice, you will realize that you feel more confident in yourself and your abilities when life throws unexpected challenges your way.

Be patient. Remember, you’re working on shedding negative thinking from your life. This doesn’t happen overnight—it requires the right approach to start loving yourself. You must be willing to confront the inner critic that has prevented you from self-love. You need to forgive all the mistakes you believe you’ve made in the past. Begin to acknowledge the lovable qualities you possess and remind yourself that others see value in you. This will help you accept yourself as the wonderful person you are.

• Trust yourself. You are a survivor, and you will do whatever it takes to improve your life. If nothing else, you’ve survived a difficult past. That alone requires a strength and perseverance that few possess. Build on the strengths you’ve already demonstrated to continue making progress in your life.

Try smiling at others. When you interact with people around you, smile at them. A smile will help you feel more at ease. Moreover, it will brighten the day of those nearby. Chances are, others will smile back, and you'll instantly feel that they’re open to engaging with you. You’ll quickly come to believe that you are an important person.

Treat others with respect. Show respect to others in the way you would want to be treated. This will also help you show respect to yourself. It requires kindness and acceptance of differences. Some ways to express respect for others include:

• Avoid offending others.
• Listen attentively when someone is speaking.
• Do not disturb or tease others.
• Be sensitive and considerate of others' emotions.
• Don’t harbor biased thoughts about others.

Help others. A key factor in becoming a lovable person is how you treat others. When you show kindness and concern for people, you are likely to treat yourself with the same care. Try helping others when you sense they need assistance.

• For example, you can perform small acts of kindness, like holding the door open for someone at the bank. Or, a bigger gesture like volunteering your Saturday to garden for an elderly neighbor.
• This doesn’t mean you need to help everyone. Remember, you need to take care of yourself and maintain boundaries while helping others.

See a specialist. A mental health expert can help you address confidence issues and support your journey toward self-love. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective approach to reorganize your thoughts and actions. CBT can assist in identifying thoughts that prevent you from loving yourself or in using sound self-evaluation to do things that make you proud.

• Don’t shy away from confronting past wounds. To feel comfortable thinking through things, we need to understand what has been holding us back. Healing can’t occur until you're ready to face the uncomfortable emotions that cause you to feel stuck. Simply acknowledging these issues can help you overcome them. When we have the courage to peel away the old layers, the fresh skin underneath has the opportunity to form. This new life can free you from negative self-thoughts and prepare you to face a brighter future.

Build a support network. When people around you think positively of you, you will start to absorb and accept their opinions. Surround yourself with positive individuals who support you and encourage your endeavors.

• This also means spending less time with those who treat you poorly or look down on you. If you must interact with them, such as with colleagues or a manager, you will need to learn how to communicate assertively. You can let them know that their comments make you uncomfortable.

Find an experienced mentor. You may want to look for a colleague at your workplace, or someone you know who could serve as a mentor. This person should be able to help you overcome specific challenges in a particular area of your life.

• For example, if you find a mentor at work, this person may share how they overcame their own personal challenges to become more confident in their job. Listening to their story will give you space to be kind and generous with yourself.

• You won’t be able to love yourself instantly, especially if you’ve hated or been frustrated with yourself for a long time. So allow yourself to truly rest and relax if you're struggling.