Buzz
The armed forces' mission is to protect the country and remain prepared to enlist at any given moment. This can be quite challenging, especially when you're in a romantic relationship. The time spent apart will test the durability of your bond. It won't be easy, but there are several strategies to overcome the challenges. Be prepared before enlisting and manage your expectations. Communicate frequently with your partner when they are away. Stay busy and look for ways to manage emotions during the absence of your loved one.
Steps
Create a plan
Start discussing your enlistment plan. Before enlisting, both of you should sit down and make a plan. You need to talk about how to manage time, find support, and cope throughout the enlistment period.
- Both of you should help each other create a strategy. For the person enlisting, this means focusing on duties, seeking support from fellow soldiers or superiors, and managing stress while being away. For the one staying behind, this means finding local support, staying busy, and managing stress or anxiety when communication becomes limited.
- Try to find opportunities to converse openly and sincerely. Both of you should feel comfortable sharing emotions, whether positive or negative, about the impending separation. Jealousy and insecurity are natural when dealing with long-term distance.
- Make time for private conversations. Ensure time for communication at home. If you have children, consider hiring a babysitter for an evening so you and your partner can have a conversation.
Establish an emergency plan. In case of an emergency, you need to have an action plan. How will you communicate with each other? Who should you call at home if you need assistance handling an emergency? These are questions that must be addressed before enlistment.
- If you're the one staying at home, you should know the quickest way to contact your partner. Be prepared with contact details for someone you can reach out to, such as a friend or family member, who can help you in an emergency when your partner is far away.
- If you're the one enlisting, you need to have a clear plan for how to contact your partner if something happens. Let them know how you will offer support from a distance in case of an emergency at home.
Discuss the frequency and timing of communication. Setting clear communication expectations is crucial throughout the enlistment period. Both of you need to have a plan for how often and when you will communicate.
- There are several ways to stay in touch while you're in the military. While phone calls may not always be possible, options like email, instant messaging, video calls, or even traditional mail could be used.
- If possible, designate a day each week to try to speak by phone or video chat. If the military schedule is somewhat stable, you will know when you have access to a computer or phone, and you can plan a call or video chat at a specific time during these days.
- Also, discuss what to do when communication is not possible. There may be times when you cannot use phones or computers while enlisted. Make sure to plan ahead for those periods. For example, you might agree to send letters via traditional mail if necessary.
Establish a support system for both of you. Ensure that you and your partner have emotional support during the enlistment. Helping each other build a support system before enlistment is a good idea.
- For the one enlisting, the support system might include fellow soldiers or other military members. You can also stay connected with someone you can communicate with remotely. Beyond your partner, it’s important to establish connections with friends and family, as you'll rely on them for support during your time in the military.
- If you're staying at home, you and your partner should identify individuals you can rely on. Stay in touch with friends and family while your partner is away. You may find that your partner’s friends and family can also be a source of support for you while you're going through the enlistment process.
Communication during the enlistment period
Identify your partner's love language. Offering support from a distance can be challenging. Understanding your partner's love language will help you figure out the best way to make them feel reassured. A person’s love language is the way they feel most supported and cared for. People respond best to various forms of support and comfort.
- Some people appreciate affirming words to feel loved. Phrases like "I miss you" or "I love you" can be very helpful. If your partner seems to value words, consider writing them letters or emails expressing your care.
- For others, actions speak louder than words. They feel supported when their partner shows care through thoughtful gestures or gifts. If your partner values actions, you might consider sending care packages (containing food, money, or other valuable items), sharing pictures, or sending gifts periodically.
- Unfortunately, sometimes love languages are hard to express from afar. Many people crave physical contact and quality time to feel secure. This can be difficult during enlistment. However, you can help by telling your partner how much you miss their hugs and how you wish they could be with you watching TV on a rainy night.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
Marriage and Family Therapist
Strengthening bonds in difficult situations. Elvina Lui, a marriage and family therapist, explains: "In reality, many long-distance relationships thrive even when one person is in a challenging and isolating situation like military service. Adversity can actually bring couples closer together. From my observations, the separation caused by enlistment typically doesn’t cause issues for couples until their partner returns, because military life genuinely pushes them to support and love each other more."
Send care packages if possible. If you have the opportunity, sending a care package to your loved one is a wonderful gesture to help them feel secure.
- Include photos, snacks, and sentimental items. Be creative. If your partner has a good sense of humor, you might add a funny card or message.
- You could also include "free service vouchers" for when they return home, such as "Free back massage" or "Free fancy dinner." This gives them something to look forward to when they’re back.
- Be sure to check military regulations before sending any packages, as some items might be prohibited during enlistment.
Avoid misunderstandings in messages. During enlistment, you and your partner may communicate through emails and texts frequently. Without vocal tone cues to help interpret each other's emotions, misunderstandings can easily occur. It’s easy to misread a message and interpret harmless words as anger. Try to ensure that your partner fully understands your messages when you can’t speak face-to-face.
- Pause before sending emails or texts. Reread your words and consider how they might be misinterpreted. Do you detect any anger, confusion, or jealousy in your message? If so, try rephrasing or adding emojis to clarify that it’s a friendly message. For example, "I couldn’t sleep last night without you" might be misread as frustration like "I’m so disappointed you’re not here." Instead, you could write: "I miss you so much that I couldn’t sleep last night without you next to me. <3"
- Remember, you can never be 100% sure about the intention behind written words. If you receive a message that seems like your partner is upset or sad, remind yourself that misunderstandings are common in these situations. Take time to calm down, then kindly text to clarify if needed. For instance: "I miss sleeping next to you too. Just want to make sure, because I know emails can be misread, but are you upset that I had to go? I just need to know. :)"
Keep each other informed about daily events. Sharing the details of your daily lives will help you and your partner feel closer. You should share your everyday experiences whenever possible, even the most trivial or silly things. You can talk about your trip to the grocery store or someone you met at the gym. This simple act will make your partner feel as though they are always with you.
Find creative ways to offer remote support. Email, phone calls, and text messages are great ways to stay in touch. However, you should aim to be more creative. Your loved one will feel valued if you come up with humorous or unique ways to communicate during the enlistment period.
- Create a scrapbook for them to look through when they return, detailing events that happened while they were away. You can scan and share pages of the scrapbook with your partner.
- Send an email with a song or a movie clip from a film that holds special meaning to both of you.
- Use scents to trigger memories. Scents are strongly connected to memories, so consider sending your partner a small bottle of the shampoo you use to remind them of you.
- Read the same book remotely together. This can help you feel more connected and give you both something to discuss when they return.
Keep yourself busy
Write a journal. Keeping a journal is a wonderful way to process your thoughts while your partner is away. You can also journal during enlistment. Write in your journal a few times a week, noting the feelings and thoughts that arise from your partner's absence. When you reunite, you can share some of the most heartfelt entries with them.
Explore your personal hobbies. Although distance can be challenging, sometimes it offers the opportunity to explore and grow individually. While your partner is away, take advantage of this time to discover your own interests and passions. You could join a book club, sign up for cooking classes, or pursue new hobbies like running or knitting. Make the most of the time alone to understand yourself and your hobbies more.
- If you must enlist, maintaining personal activities may be tough. Military service is particularly demanding and will require your full attention. However, there will be some downtime. While taking cooking classes may be difficult during enlistment, look for other solo activities you can pursue. For example, you could read and write. Try to delve into topics that interest you by reading books about them during your free time away from your partner.
Seek out a support system. Throughout the separation, both of you need to find a healthy support system. Humans are social beings, and even if your partner is far away, you should seek someone to turn to in times of need.
- If you’re the one in the military, don’t hesitate to bond with your teammates. Openly share your struggles and stress with them, and discuss how you nurture your relationship.
- If you’re the one at home, turn to friends and family. You might also reach out to your partner's friends and family. Spending time with those close to you will help you feel more connected to your partner.
View things in their true perspective. It's crucial to keep a clear perspective when your partner is away. Prepare a circle of friends and family who you can turn to when feeling frustrated or anxious in their absence. If you know someone who also has a partner serving in the military, they can offer a valuable perspective on the situation. While this time will be tough, remember that it won't last forever. Try to keep in mind that everything is temporary, and your bond will only grow stronger when they return.
- If you are the one serving, some of your teammates might also have partners waiting for them at home. Take the opportunity to talk with them about your feelings and seek their advice on how to cope. Many may have gone through military service multiple times and can offer guidance on how to keep things in perspective.
Manage your emotions
Address your insecurities. Distance can often amplify feelings of insecurity within a relationship. If you've struggled with trust or insecurity before, the distance may make these feelings worse. It's important to find ways to manage your personal insecurities.
- Talk about your insecurities with your partner and others. While you shouldn't accuse or blame your partner, it's okay to express your concerns. Reassurances from your partner will be incredibly helpful in easing these worries.
- Reflect on the source of your insecurities and trust issues. They may stem from past relationships. Understand that while it’s normal to feel anxious when your partner is far away, excessive insecurity may be baseless.
Accept that personal growth will happen during the time apart. When you and your partner reunite, you both may have changed a little. Having been apart for a long period, you might both become more independent during this time. Try to accept that your relationship will be different when they return. This doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Even though you've both changed, it could be for the better. You'll find that your relationship feels stronger and more secure when you see how well it has withstood the distance.
Set realistic expectations for communication. Sometimes, staying in touch will be difficult. It's important to recognize this reality. There may be times when you won’t hear from your partner for several weeks. During these moments, reach out to someone who can offer support and care for you.
Seek professional help, if necessary. Being apart can add significant stress to a relationship. Feelings of insecurity are natural, but if you feel the tension is becoming overwhelming, it's a good idea to consult a therapist. A professional can help you manage your insecurities and find healthier ways to cope with the distance. You can find a therapist by asking for a referral from a hospital or checking with your insurance provider about coverage. If you're a student, your university might offer free counseling services.
